Bridge and Tunnel

- I mean, you sure this is a good idea, this date tonight?

- Unlike these two, we are not on a date.

This is just us as friends.

Before we do anything, I want to talk to you.

- Me? - Over here, yeah.

- Why would Tammy be there? - What? I saw her at the diner,

and I happened to mention it to her,

and she said she might try and make it.

- He's your high school ex, Stacey, okay?

He's not really a true ex. - If it wasn't for Stacey,

I would've asked you out a long time ago.

- How do you think she would react

if she knew what was-- what was happening here?

- Right now, I'm waitlisted at Brooklyn Law,

so everything kind of hangs on that,

but I should hear any minute.

- You know, Pags, since junior high,

we've been hearing you brag about this master plan

of becoming a hotshot music attorney,

but have you ever thought about what you would do

if you didn't get into law school, huh?

Dude, what the fuck?

I'm cool if you want to...

you know, if you want to have your freedom when I leave

if it means I still get to see you more before I go.

- Okay, Pags, I want details, my friend.

How was the big date with the stone cold fox, huh?

- Mikey, you cannot believe how pretty this girl is.

She's got the most amazing smile.

And her teeth! She's got the most amazing teeth.

- Dude, dude, please don't get him started

on her teeth. He loves her teeth.

She's got legs to here, and this clown's focused

on her pearly whites all night! - Yeah, 'cause I'm a gentleman.

And when I talk to a lady, I look at her face.

- What, are you gonna take her out again or what?

- Yeah, we're going out tomorrow.

She wants to walk around Central Park

and then get dinner afterwards. - She's from the city, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. So you gotta take her

someplace cool then, you know?

- Yeah, no Blarney Stone for her, Pags.

- Yeah, I was thinking about going to Beefsteak Charlie's

on 58th. It's perfect.

It's right by the park-- - Dude, dude.

Beefsteak Charlie's? You can't take her there.

What the fuck are you thinking? - Why not?

I love that place. - No.

'Cause you can't take a girl to a place that has

an all-you-can-eat salad bar and offers--what?

Unlimited beer, wine, sangria?

No, you just look like a cheap bastard, dude.

- But I only have 27 bucks for the date.

- So you take her to the fucking movies.

- No, you can't go to the movies for a second date.

There's no opportunity to talk.

You just sit there awkwardly for two hours

not really watching the movie.

You just think about what you're gonna do afterwards.

Plus you're eating popcorn, so your hands are greasy

and your mouth is dry? No, no, no.

I'm gonna take her to a restaurant

so I can sit across from her for a few hours

and look at her beautiful, beautiful face.

Hm.

- Have I mentioned her smile? It's gorgeous.

- Guy, you really are in love, huh?

- It just wasn't working out. - Why not?

- First of all, he's way too old for me,

and he's always working.

He never wanted to get high or go clubbing

or do anything fun. - Right.

- And second of all, he broke up with me.

- Oh, Stace, I'm sorry. That fucking sucks.

What happened?

- He says I'm too young, too immature.

I never work.

All I want to do is party and have fun.

And to put the final nail in the coffin...

I told him about Mikey. - Yeah, that'll do it.

So what are you gonna do? You're gonna move back home?

- Yeah, until I can get my shit together.

That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

You know, you got this apartment in the city,

and...

I was hoping I could crash with you--

only until I can find my own place.

Yeah.

Honestly, you could probably take over

my half of the lease if you wanted.

- What? Why?

Don't tell me this has something to do with Jimmy

and fucking Alaska, Jill. - Will you stop with that?

No, everyone keeps saying that.

It's just--don't tell anyone what I'm gonna tell you

'cause I've not told my mom,

and I didn't tell Jimmy yet either, okay?

So just like-- - Who the hell am I gonna tell?

My lips are sealed, all right?

- So I'm not really in love with my new job,

and I guess they can tell.

My boss has been giving me shit since day one.

I just couldn't really take her shit anymore,

so yesterday I...

told her to go fuck herself.

It was my mom's idea too.

She was like, "Jill, you're gonna get respect.

You're gonna get promoted."

And you know what it got me?

My ass out the door. I got fired.

But that was a dream job.

I mean, what the hell happened in the last few weeks, huh?

- I don't know, just really wasn't a good fit.

- But apparently telling your boss to go fuck herself

is frowned upon.

Yeah, no shit.

I'm sorry, Jill. It sucks.

Yeah, it's okay.

Just bad timing.

Because of Jimmy?

- No, 'cause tomorrow's my birthday.

Shit.

You forgot.

How could you fucking forget? - Fuck, I'm sorry, Jill.

Come on.

- You know I love you. I'm sorry.

- Let me ask you guys-- you got any idea

what I could get Jill for her birthday?

- Dude, just get her some perfume.

Girls love perfume. - Nah.

I want it to be something more thoughtful than that,

something special. - Jewelry.

Even more than perfume, girls love jewelry.

- I can't afford to get any fricking jewelry.

I gotta get something that's not too expensive,

but also says I care. - Doesn't have to be expensive.

Go to a Salvation Army. Or you know what?

Go to that old lady thrift shop on Central Avenue.

It's great.

It's got all this old kind of vintage jewelry.

Everything my sister wears onstage,

it's all from there. It's all cheap.

- No, no, no, no, you gotta go to the flea market

over at Roosevelt Field.

You know they--you can get all sorts of irregular clothes

with all the same name brands.

Yeah, my mom literally got a Pierre Cardin dress

for $20 that normally costs 80.

I mean, hey, it comes with some fucked up stitching,

but it is what it is, you know?

- Yeah, I can't get her an irregular dress

or some dead old lady's necklace.

What the fuck is wrong with you two?

I told you it needs to be something special.

- Then I would go with the perfume.

- Yeah, Mikey's right. Perfume's your best bet.

- What the fuck did I think asking you two?

Hey, I need your advice.

- Do you not see I'm working? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were just noodling around.

No, I'm not noodling around.

I'm writing a song, so show some respect.

What, do I just barge in on you when you're in your darkroom?

Yeah, actually all the time.

You ruin my pictures all the fucking time.

Oh, what do you want?

- Look, I need to buy Jill a birthday gift,

and I want to make it special,

but as per usual, I have no money.

- Then make her something. - Make her something?

- Yeah. - Like what?

Needlepoint her a fucking scarf?

- Really, are you that thick? What are you good at?

- I don't know. - Holy fucking Jesus.

Taking pictures, you fricking moron.

You take a picture, put it in a frame,

wrap it up, and give it to her. - Damn, that's a good idea.

- Yeah. - That's good.

But...what should I take a picture of?

Oh, my God, Jimmy,

I can't do the whole fucking thing for you.

- You know what? I was gonna say thank you.

Now forget it. - Get out of here.

Do you need me to make love to her, too, for you?

- Hey, Dad, those pictures of yours by the staircase,

what camera did you use for those?

- I took those at the bay, so gotta be the Rolleiflex.

- Well, do you still have it by any chance?

- If I do, I am sure it is buried in the trunk

with the rest of my shit.

- Well, look, if you still have it,

you mind if I borrow it?

I'd like to try something like that.

- Little man, have I ever stood in the way

of your artistic endeavors? No.

So if you can find it, it is yours.

- I don't know what your ex was thinking, Gina,