It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

- Dennis.

Wake up, buddy.

Smell the stew, okay?

Breathe in the arousing aromas

of this delicious st... Ah, screw it.

- -

What the hell was that? That's hot as shit.

Yeah, yeah, that's a whole bowl of stew

you took right in the grill.

See? It does wake people up.

Why am I in a hospital?

And why is your head still on? Did they reattach it?

Left the skin pretty loose, I see.

You didn't behead me, you stupid idiot.

You had a 105-degree fever,

and you were hallucinating.

You were too weak to even lift the ax.

You did collapse and shit yourself

and stink up the whole castle.

You know, Dee, I, uh...

I'm starting to think I might have had COVID.

- Oh, yeah? You think? - Yeah.

Mr. Reynolds, you're finally up.

What is that?

- It's stew. What's the update, man? - Stew.

Uh, okay. How are we feeling?

Uh, outraged, violated,

disgusted at the looseness of my sister's neck,

covered in stew,

dragged from my castle to a dingy hospital

where I'm about to be saddled with an enormous bill.

Well, there is no bill. It's free.

Ireland has public health care.

Oh, well, then that'll be fine.

It's free, huh?

Well, then maybe I ought to get my neck done.

Yeah, your sister's a stitch.

Oh, yeah? Have you heard the one

about the hot Irish doctor who has a fling

with the hilarious American tourist?

'Cause I could give you the punch line

over drinks tonight, my place.

Uh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.

- Tonight it is. - : Tonight it is.

Looks like mama's about to have

a little of the old luck of the Irish.

["Pot of Gold" by Christopher Beaty playing]

You know, I'm just so glad you're feeling better,

Dennis, I really am.

Now, a couple quick things about the castle,

I do need you to clear out of here for the night.

- What? - Mm.

Dee, I haven't even begun to do half the things

I want to do with this castle.

- Now you're asking me to leave? - Yeah.

- - Oh, Christ!

Frankenstein in the house.

- Christ. What is this? - What are you doing?

Just want to reconnect with my kids.

Not you so much, more Dennis.

Like, you know, father-son thing.

I mean, you know, it's one of the strongest bonds there is.

- Come on. Give me a kiss. - What are you doing?

- A kiss? No! - Come on, give me a... lean down, give me a kiss.

Give your daddy a kiss.

No, no! God. Get your lips away from me, Frank.

What?

- Cut the bullshit. What's your angle? - What are you doing here?

Charlie's got a new dad.

A-a new dad?

- Weird. - Yeah.

I want to humiliate the jerk.

I want to send his Irish ass packing.

- He's jealous. - Yeah.

Okay, well, listen, I-I don't have any interest in the, uh,

interpersonal dynamics between an old man

and his roommate/surrogate adult son,

but if we can incorporate

the castle into it in some way, then I'm in.

- Done. No.

- No. - Yes.

Goddamn it, no! You listen to me.

This trip has been absolutely ruined because of you, okay?

And I have one chance tonight to have a good time in Ireland,

so here is what is going to happen,

I'm going to go down to the bog, I'm going to gather peat moss

to burn it to try and get rid of the shit smell

that Dennis stunk up the castle with.

Do not be here when I get back.

Cool.

She's...

- Bent out of shape. - Yeah.

Well... just me and you, huh?

- Yeah. -

It's a little odd being one on one, though, you know.

I feel, I feel like we usually have a buffer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, Mac,

when did you hear the call to become a priest?

Oh, when God took away my Irish identity

and made me Dutch to smite me for the urges that He gave me

when I made the original sin of being born.

That's not the way God works, Mac.

He doesn't smite us.

Yes, He does. Yes, He does. Remember the flood

that took out the whole world?

Remember? Then-then-then Noah made that ark,

and he saved himself but no women,

- which was really cool. -

Not sure how he made more people after that, though.

Could've been another rib situation.

Either way, then God made the Ark of the Covenant

where he promised to never, ever do it again.

Then a bunch of people looked at it.

He didn't like that, so he blasted them, too.

Remember, the Nazis got their faces all melted off,

and the-the guy with the whip and the hat, he was cool.

I think you've mixed that story up with Indiana Jones.

Oh. I did?

- Yeah, but listen... - Oh.

Many of the stories in the Bible are metaphors.

Parables with lessons.

What's the lesson of the last one? Don't look at my shit?

Look, you're looking at this all wrong.

The Bible is a guidepost.

Interpretations can change over time.

They can?

Yes, and so can the Church.

Our God, the God we teach here,

is a merciful God.

One that loves us for exactly who we are.

Otherwise, why would He have made us that way

in the first place?

Yeah.

Yeah. Wow.

Thanks, Gus.

That's John Patrick Kelly.

Killed by the plague.

And his son William, also the plague.

And Michael Kelly.

He was attacked by the village loon,

became a loon himself.

He died from eating rocks, which he thought were eggs.

Oof. Yeah, I've made that mistake, yeah.

So, are all the Kellys buried here?

Uh...

Honored, yes. Buried, no.

They were all thrown from a cliff into the sea.

You see, legend has it

that only when a man is thrown from a cliff into the sea,

may his soul be released.

- Huh. - When I pass, I'll have the same done for me.

All Kelly men must be thrown from a cliff into the sea.

Wow.

- That's pretty cool. - Yeah.

Yeah. What about the women?

Oh, the women are thrown from a cliff as well.

Mostly alive.

Just to see if they can fly,

as they're presumed to be witches.

Right. Right.

Well, we... we honor their spirits.

Ah, yes, their spirits watch over us. The men, that is.

Ah.

The women roam the land

as terrible hags and banshees

whose wailing warns of impending death.

If you ever see

a gruesome woman

covered in filth

with long, stringy hair,

who's horribly shrieking

in the night,

the end is near.

Whoa.

I mean, how am I supposed to know what peat is?

What am I, a botanist?

Hey-o. I'll burn you.

Be like lighting a match. That works.

- - Oh.

Hey-o. That's my guy.

A selfie, huh? You got it.

Oh, goddamn it.

Dennis got me all worked up about my neck.

Here.

I mean, that's just insane.

Maybe if I stand back a little bit.

Let's see here.

- Oh! -

Ew.

Oh, shit.

Oh... Help!

Dennis!

Um, I...

This is crazy, but I think I'm stuck.

Am I sinking?

Oh, shit, I'm sinking.

Yes.

Yes.