Guys with Kids

In front of a live studio audience.

You know, I don't know if Emily's gonna let

Freddie play football. I hope not.

He's a tiny baby. He'd get crushed out there.

Hi, guys.

Hey, boys.

Why don't you go in the back and see if you can jump

from Chris's dresser to his bed.

I have given up on being a good parent.

Marny's been at that conference all week,

and I'm running out of ways to entertain them.

Uh-oh. Somebody's got a leaky faucet.

There are napkins inches away from you.

Man, I am way past napkins.

I'm a human napkin.

I think you need some time off, my friend,

away from the kids. Oh, will you watch them?

Will I watch all four of them?

No, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

I will never do that, ever.

Get Marny to do it.

You're kidding, right?

Marny has never had all four boys for a whole day.

She wouldn't know what to do. Check this.

She once put an overnight diaper

on one of the twins during the day.

An overnight diaper is way too absorbent

for the daytime.

I think you definitely need some time off, man.

Risotto is served.

Eww!

Be polite.

Eww.

That is much better.

- Hi. - Hey, Sheila.

Oh, right. It's Sunday night,

and all of you nice people have dinner together.

And Nick.

Sheila, you should join us.

Chris made Risotto, so we just might order pizza.

Oh, Sheila would love to, but she can't.

Van Helsing's closing in on her, and there's no time.

Chris.

I was wondering if you might be able

to help me pack up my apartment on Sunday.

- Oh, you're moving? - Yeah.

My aunt moved last week.

She had a yard sale.

I never know what to say to her.

Yeah, just a little closer to here

to make it easier to drop off Ernie.

Sorry, Sheila, I'm busy.

One of the senior partners is retiring.

We're doing a whole harbor cruise,

there's like a Caribbean theme.

Oh, ub40 is playing.

Mon.

- Don't do that. - Okay.

Okay. Well, maybe a different day.

All right. Come on, little man.

Come here. Ooh.

Oh, look at those cheeks. I love these cheeks.

Are you storing nuts in these cheeks?

How can she ask you to pack up her stuff?

Especially since that stuff is your stuff

that she took from you in the divorce.

She didn't take it from me.

I gave it up and opted for the high road,

so we could split on agreeable terms.

Ah! That is so annoying!

Why can't you be a normal, resentful divorced person?

Like your mother, Nick, who crank calls your dad

once a day? - Hmm.

Yeah, she can do so many voices.

Hey!

- Mom! - Oh!

Hey, look who's back.

There are my babies.

Hey. Mwah.

Chris.

- What's for dinner? - Risotto.

Oh.

Hey, honey, how was the conference?

Oh, it was great.

The resort was nice. Good golf course.

Oh, we went on a helicopter ride at sunset.

You should try that.

Oh.

I scrubbed marker off the twins

for 2 1/2 hours at sunrise.

You should try that.

Is everything okay?

I'm fine.

- Baby, I'm just tired. - Oh.

No, he's exhausted.

And he needs a day off.

He's given up.

This is a man that is one step away

from wearing a blanket everywhere he goes.

Well, no problem.

You can have a day off. Why didn't you tell me?

Because you haven't had all the boys

since before the twins.

And back then, the TV was working.

I know. I broke it.

I'm sorry. Let's not talk about it anymore.

Gary, I can take care of the kids, okay?

Have your day off. How about next Sunday?

Done.

Gentlemen, clear your calendars

because next Sunday, I am off!

Pizza's here!

- Pizza! - Hey...

I made Risotto.

And click.

And this is what it would look like

if you and I were conjoined twins.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Oh!

There he is, free man! All right.

What are we gonna do?

What aren't we going to do, huh?

First, we're gonna return these bathing suits to Old Navy

that I've had sitting around forever.

No. No, Gary.

- Bad Gary. - What?

That's terrible. You gotta think big.

How about we go to the apple store

and fiddle with stuff till they ask us to leave?

No, no. Wait. Oh, I got it.

The giants are at home tonight.

Why don't we go to the game? What? How?

Chris has incredible tickets on the 50-yard line.

We're sitting right in front of Eli Manning's mom.

She offers us grapes from her purse.

What are you saying?

I am saying this is gonna be the greatest day off ever!

Oh, my God!

I didn't think I'd ever see another football game again!

This is what I wish for every time I hold my breath

in a tunnel.

Okay, actually, guys, the thing is.

I-I don't have the tickets this weekend.

What? What?

Why does this keep on happening?

You gotta get them back.

- I can't. - You have to!

It's Gary's day off.

Look at him.

He's dead inside. - What?

He's nothing. He's barely a man.

He's a husk.

- I'm a husk? - Yes!

Whoever you gave them to, you gotta get 'em back.

I can't get 'em back, okay?

You have to get them back. I'm a husk.

Sheila got my season tickets in the divorce.

Then you are gonna make a trade with her.

You're gonna give her full custody of Ernie

and Gary will give you one of his kids,

and then everybody wins.

I'll give you one of my kids for a giants ticket.

Look at my handsome boys.

Oh, I need to take a picture for your dad.

Okay. Everybody do a nice smile.

A real smile.

You're not a hostage being forced

to prove that you're okay.

- Come on. - Hi.

Hi.

Gary just wanted me to stop by and check up on you,

see how you're surviving.

Surviving? Please.

This is gonna be fun.

We're gonna make a whole day of it.

You know, have lunch, go to a museum.

Compared to working, this is nothing.

Really?

'Cause I think being with the kids all day

is actually a lot of work.

And I only have two.

And I have a TV.

And I still call my mom crying once a week.

No, Emily, of course it's work, you know.

I'm just saying it's easier than real work.

Oh. Thank you for rephrasing that.

All I'm saying is every day

I have 150 people that rely on me.

Today, I only have four. This is easy.

Mom, we're starving. You haven't fed us yet.

I didn't?

Are you sure you don't want any help?

They're fasting.

Yeah.

We're all kind of spiritual now.

Do you have any food?

Okay, Nick, elevator door opens,

we walk into Sheila's, we ask her nicely

for the tickets, during which

Gary will flash her his sad face.

Gary, do your sad face. Perfect.