Married... with Children

So, Mom, what's the big surprise?

Why are we sitting here like blind Lone Rangers?

Yeah.

And why can I still hear you with this mask on?

Just hang on, kids.

Here it comes.

Oh, my God, an M&M.

And I got a W&W.

Hey, wait a second.

Why are you treating us so good?

Yeah, Mom. Why'd you cook for us?

Well, can't a mother show her love?

Okay.

I did it so you'd be in good moods...

when I told you that my relatives are coming for a visit.

No. Not Zemus and Ida Mae.

Oh, hush. They both wear clothes now...

and they're not gonna be any trouble to anyone.

Hey, Peg, did you know we're out of towels in the bathroom?

Guess you didn't tell Dad your family was coming.

Well, he never warns me when he is...

so I feel like I owe him nothing.

God, I love Sundays.

The one day of the week I get to sleep later than you, Peg.

Saturday night I stay up extra, extra late...

eat an enormous amount of tacos...

to make absolutely sure there's no way in the world...

that when I wake up, you'll be next to me.

You don't have to eat tacos for that, honey.

But I can't afford to take that chance, Peg.

But when I know you're gone, I can finally slip out of my underwear...

and sleep safely naked as God intended.

Oh, the sensations.

Why, with Mommy gone, I almost feel sexual.

Yeah, nothing can ruin Sunday for me.

Wait a minute. What's that?

Open your mouth.

It's an M&M.

Oh, God. Your family's coming!

How much time do I have?

Great Caesar's ghost, they're here!

- Have you made the preparations? - Of course.

- What about the dog? - He's ready.

Shouldn't we have a sign like that?

Here, here. Everybody take one of these.

If they move on you, smack them on the nose and say, "No."

Open up! We know you're in there!

I'm coming.

All right, now, kids, smile as if Daddy had died.

Okay.

- Zemus, Ida Mae. - Peggy.

You look good enough to eat.

- Little cousin. - No.

- Big boy. - Don't even dream about it, Zemus.

So where's the dog?

By the way, what's with that line?

Are you gonna tie it to your porch...

to make sure you can find your way home?

No, it's for our youngest child.

We believe in giving the boy a little freedom.

That way, if he feels cooped up in the Winnebago...

he can gallop alongside of us down the highway.

Folks, meet little Seven.

Seven? Well, why'd you pick that name?

Because we had one, two, three, four, five, seven kids.

- Say hi to your cousin. - Oh, hello.

Is that the one who's gonna give me money?

Yeah, that's the rich one. Go bond with him.

I love you, you big lug.

Give me money.

Do you know where your knee is?

Yes, I do, so give me money.

Kids, why don't you take little Seven upstairs.

Come here, Seven.

We'll take him up to Bud's room.

Have you ever seen a rubber woman?

Isis is not rubber, she's breathable latex.

And she breaks, just like a little girl.

Come on in.

Isn't this nice?

We're swingers. We're into swapping.

But don't be put off, it doesn't have to be the traditional man-woman thing.

And this little Peggy never goes to market.

And this little Peggy stays home.

And this little Peggy eats bonbons.

And these little children have none.

I want them to do the song again.

He only wants us to do it because he knows we hate it.

- Is that true, Seven? - Yes.

And a-one and a-two.

Baby face - Baby face.

- You've got the cutest little baby face. - You've got the cutest little baby face.

- Not another one could take your place. - Not another one could take your place.

- Baby face! - Baby face!

Hi, kids.

- Good to be home. - Where did you disappear to?

Well, I crawled under the doggy door...

when Zemus turned out the lights and said, "Let's exchange trousers."

Is that your real nose?

Seven, if you were thinking of pulling his hair, try grabbing it out of his ears.

Unlike his head, it just seems to grow and grow and grow.

Peg, why is this kid sitting on my lap? Doesn't his father have a groin?

By the way, where are the Kettles?

Well, right after you left, they went out for cigarettes.

And you let them go?

That has to be the dumbest move in history.

No, the second dumbest. The first dumbest had to be...

when I answered your phone call the day after we had sex.

Peg, you just let these people stick us with their kid.

Oh, my God. I've got another child!

Now, Peg, I'm gonna remove my hands.

Please don't show him how upset you are.

What's the matter? Did he find out my folks are gone?

No. No, no. Just went out for cigarettes...

be right back. - No, they won't.

But that's okay. I'll just live with Mommy and you, Daddy.

- Not another who could take your place. - Not another who could take your place.

Oh, Peg, I've got another kid.

Oh, got another kid.

Oh, Al, I'm happy.

I wanna keep him. The kids love him.

And Buck has really taken to him.

You should see the two of them play together.

- Oh, look, here he comes. - Doggy, wanna go to the dentist?

I guess he's still sore from playing doctor.

- What is it, Peg? - It's just the love.

Oh, Al, I have to keep him.

This boy needs a mother, and I am a born mommy.

- Can I go throw rocks at cars? - Sure, honey.

Just look both ways before throwing.

Well, hey, aren't you a cute little guy.