You're the Worst

So, Gretchen,

there's a topic we haven't broached yet.

How you seem to only own one pair of jeans?

You've been so focused on Jimmy's dad.

Has that stirred up any feelings about your father?

Nope!

What about your mom?

I've noticed some tension around the subject.

Tension?

My mom's a baller-ass boss. End of story.

Did you see Wheel last night?

Someone almost hit the million-dollar wedge.

I remember when they brought that out in '08,

I was like, "What? That is nuts."

So, would you say she's controlling, manipulative?

If I biffed a tennis match,

she would take away my sheets and pillows.

But that is what made me strong.

My friends had chill parents who didn't push them,

and now they're all unmotivated babies.

Maybe if they had a mom like mine,

they wouldn't be the pieces of shit that they are currently.

You know what?

I'm gonna fix those shitty babies, just like my mom would.

I would actually advise you not interfere

with your friends' lives,

Too late. Doing it.

Of course you are.

Okay, Gretchen.

This is obviously not working.

The defensiveness, the mid-session naps,

the things you're writing on the bathroom stalls,

the name calling...

Oh, see, that one's on you.

You let a dog on the bed once...

No one is forcing you to be here.

Are you firing me?

You don't fire me. I fire you.

Okay.

Wait.

Uh, let's compromise. Uh...

if I fix my friends and prove that I'm right about my mom,

do you promise not to fire me?

I'm not firing you.

That is not a compromise.

And I don't agree to any of it.

Great. Deal.

Seriously,

jeans are, like, 20 bucks at H&M.

Get on it.

What are you doing?

Zoo Entrepreneur? What the hell is this?

It's a highly invigorating game

in which one builds a virtual zoo.

Mine's called "Jimmy's Spectacular Zoo of Wonder

"and Animal Friends

Plus Cinnabons, Parenthesis No Edgars Allowed."

And you're a professional writer.

Gretchen, feeding the giraffe and washing the rhinoceri

exercises everything that a writer needs

for a productive day:

problem solving, imagination, word having.

What's your giraffe's name?

Necky.

Jimmy, you have a deadline! You need to be writing!

Gretchen, it's all writing!

No, it's not.

Playing, literally, the world's most boring game

is not writing.

You know what's writing?

Writing!

Sorry, bor... boring?

Why, just yesterday a seven-year-old

fell into the koala enclosure.

He was not injured.

But he sure was severely nuzzled.

Gretchen, what are you... No!

No, plug the router back in!

My zoo is cloud-based.

You show me some progress on your book,

and maybe you'll get this back.

Uh, my female elephant has severe ADHD.

If I don't provide her with constant stimuli,

she'll suck all the hair off her tail.

What's your elephant's name?

Persephone Cordelia Fitzsimmons.

Trunky.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that's so good.

Do it.

Ooh, would you look at that?

A new poké place just opened up on Barrington.

Actor Peter Gallagher

has shaved $100,000 off the listing for his home,

which features mature fruit trees.

Imagine that.

Oh.

The bulky item drop-off event is next weekend.

We could dispose of the broken wine fridge.

Pull my hair.

What?

Another iOS update?

These things are quite the nuisance, but...

Choke me. Necessary for stability.

Almost there. Oh, my God, Lindsay.

Did you know that every time you evacuate your bowels,

you lose one-third... Almost there!

Of the bacteria... I'm almost there!

In your body.

Goddamn it!

Isn't that amazing?

Oh. Huh.

"Simon startled, pulsing with desire,

"for he had dreamed of Kitty again.

"He wondered if at that moment,

she was dreaming of him, moist and..."

This is the worst day for me to be absent from the zoo.

I didn't order extra pellets for the petting zoo.

There's no way that those goats

don't develop a taste for human fingers.

Can't do this today.

You promised your agent two more chapters by the end of the week.

Well, we all make promises we can't keep, Killian.

Like you, with your Presidential Fitness Challenge.

Uh, are you okay?

Ever since my dad's roast, I've felt odd.

Just aimless, but suddenly awakened.

Like I'm accessing areas of my brain

that have been shut off for years.

I feel like Bradley Cooper, you know, in that movie, uh...

Aloha. Limitless.

What is that body of water down there?

Is it some sort of public wash for the destitute?

Have you seriously never been to the reservoir?

There's a park, a running trail,

a rec center.

Well, that settles that.

To the...

reservoir I shall go.

I'd go with you,

but I'm actually working on a new Dr. Weed video.

Did I ever tell you

about my character, Dr. Weed?

He's this doctor who loves weed, but...

Mister?

Do you have any extra foods?

Oh.

Lindsay, you're a mess, right?

Boy howdy.

So, what is going on in your life

that I can berate you into fixing my way?

Hmm. Let's see.

Well, I was having sex with this hunk

named Raul, and I was about to splooge,

but then Paul kept talking and it went back inside.

: I still can't believe you're cucking Paul.

I'm what now? Cuckolding.

It's a subgenre of femdom.

Well, whatever it is, Paul's ruining it.

I just want to be normal and cheat on my husband

without feeling guilty about it.

And here you are sulking about it like a loser.

You know what winners do?

They take what they want, no matter what.

So what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna...

tell Paul to go away the next time I want to pork a rando?

And don't you come back without results, young lady,

or else no Must See TV for you!

Why are you being so bossy?

Not bossy, Lindsay.

Maternal.

You retrieved the projectile.

But why?

Do you guys watch Mr. Robot?

Okay. Our first letter

comes from Randall in Lubbock.

- : "Dear Dr. - Weed...

"every soap I use in the shower

dries my skin out."

: Randall, this is a very common problem.

My diagnosis is: twice a day, I want you...

to smoke more weed...!

What's going on here?

Uh, cut.

Uh, just answering

viewer mail.

I-I write the questions myself.

So what's the goal with this?

Oh, nothing. It's just something dumb

I put on the Internet for my vet friends.

So you're wasting your most valuable resource...

My talent? Your time, for no reason.

Edgar, this has potential.

Really? Thanks.

Because, you know, I thought... But just because you got