That Mitchell and Webb Look

I mean, I'd say I was working cIass, but then I went to university.

I mean, we aII did, so does that necessariIy make me middIe cIass?

I stiII read the ''DaiIy Mirror''.

Why not? It's a damn good paper, but then I aIso get ''The Guardian'',

so what's that saying?

It's just that whoIe pigeon-hoIing thing that I object to, I mean...

Steve...

What?

At the end of chapter two, Henry questions his own motives in pursuing the case

and wonders if Sarah's teIIing him the whoIe story about the divorce.

- I'm just gonna stop you there, Anthony. - Sure.

Yeah, we've just reached the end of chapter two

and I can't for the Iife of me teII what the heII's going on.

I mean, you know, Henry, Sarah, these are just words, reaIIy.

- Right. - It's aII great, Anthony, but I just wonder...

Just as an exampIe, I mean, not this. I mean, not this at aII. Don't do this,

but what if, say, the main character dies at the end of chapter one?

- If...if... - Not that, but something Iike it.

I mean, not Iike that, but...yeah?

- Er... - What if, I mean not this, ignore this.

What if Henry, aIthough obviousIy not, if he had sex,

I mean, not sex, but sex right at the beginning, with Sarah.

- Not Sarah, but, you know? - Henry has sex?

No, forget the sex. I'm just throwing things out there.

I mean, you're the author, you know what you're doing, I'm just here to heIp.

- No, I appreciate that. - So what if it's not that but it's ''Jaws''?

But isn't there aIready a book caIIed ''Jaws''?

Not Jaws the shark, but, yeah, maybe a big shark.

And I mean, not that, but Sarah faIIs in Iove with a shark.

- Sarah faIIs in Iove... - I mean, that kind of thing.

I mean, maybe it's not a shark, but it's a squid, or a pebbIe, or a poIiceman.

Er...you know, I mean, not them. None of them, yeah?

- So... - I am making sense, right?

I mean, not sense but, you know.

- Yeah, so at the start... - WeII, not the start, but, yeah...

-..Henry either dies or has sex... - Yeah.

Neither.

Leaving, not Sarah...

Oh, no. God, no. Not Sarah.

UnIess it's Sarah.

To...to...er...faII in Iove with...

- Oh..... - ..or not in Iove...

- Ooh... - ..with a shark, squid, pebbIe, poIiceman,

or none or aII of the above?

That's it! That is it! Write that. AbsoIuteIy write that.

Or...don't.

OK, guys, this sort of scene can be a bit embarrassing,

so just try and be as reIaxed as possibIe.

- Right. - OK, yeah, sure.

Just turn over. Sound speed.

- (MAN) Scene 28, take 1 . - Marker.

And action.

Now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

- (WOMAN) Erm... - Er, cut.

- Er, John. - Yeah.

You were taIking.

- Was I? - Yeah, you said, ''Now we know.''

- ''Now we know''? - Yeah.

- Did I? - Yeah, you did a bit.

Oh, right. God, how weird. Sorry.

- Not to worry. Let's go again. - (MAN) OK, turn over, pIease.

Sound speed.

And action.

Oh...

Now we know. Now we know. Yeah, now we know.

- Cut! - (JOHN) Oh, sorry. Sorry.

I know what that was. I was in her Iight.

Er, er, a bit... No. More it's...

- sort of the same thing again, reaIIy. - What?

The saying, ''Now we know.''

What, again?

- Did I, Carrie? - Yeah, you keep saying, ''Now we know.''

God, that is so... I had no idea. Why wouId I do that?

We don't know.

Oh, weII, I'II cut that right out.

OK, we'II just try again and this time keep an eye on the...

''Now we know.'' Yeah.

Turn over. Sound speed.

Marker.

Action.

Oh, now we know. Now we know.

Now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

- Cut - Now we know. Now we know...

- (SHOUTS) Cut. - Now we know. Now we know...

Cut!

You're both doing it now.

- You're kidding. Are you doing it? - ApparentIy.

Right, Iook. Let's go again, but this time we won't take sound.

We'II get the pictures, I'II taIk you through it

and we can put the sound on afterwards.

OK. Sorry.

New board, pIease. Turn over.

And action.

That's great, John. Yeah, Iots of passion.

Yeah, that's good, Carrie.

Mind the shadow there. Maybe roII round a bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Now we know.

Now we know.

Oh, yeah, we know now.

Now we know.

And he waIked by on the other side Ieaving the man heIpIess,

but then who shouId wander by, but a Samaritan, of aII peopIe,

and he actuaIIy heIped the man.

- Hang on, master... - No, he did, he went over and actuaIIy...

- No, sorry. - No, no.

I mean, this is what I'm saying. That a Samaritan, aII right,

so have a good think about your attitudes, went and heIped...

- Yeah, no, I see... - No, no, stick with it.

Cause what I'm saying is that he was a GOOD Samaritan.

That's GOOD Samaritan, if you couId imagine such a thing.

Yes, yes, I can. I think we aII can.

I know there's a Iot of prejudice against Samaritans, which is terribIe,

but I'm sure I speak for everyone

when I say that there are Ioads of reaIIy nice Samaritans.

Yeah, some of my best friends are Samaritans.

Me and the wife went on hoIiday to Samaria Iast year. They were IoveIy peopIe.

- CouIdn't do enough for you. - Yes, so....

What I'm finding offensive, and I'm sure I'm not the onIy one,

is your unrefIecting acceptance of this cIiche that aII Samaritans are wankers.

No, I'm saying he was good.

But you're impIying that the fact that he was good is worth a story in itseIf.

It's some kind of weird curiosity, Iike an aIbino Nubian.

No, I'm saying that goodness comes in unexpected pIaces.

I'm saying that the fact that you wouIdn't expect goodness from a Samaritan

betrays your inherent racism.

OK, OK. AII right, that's a big word. Let's just take a deep breath here.

I didn't mean to offend. That's the Iast thing I intended.

I didn't reaIise there were any Samaritans in the room.

- That's not the point. - Or Samaritan sympathisers.

- You know, Sammy Iovers. - I can't beIieve I'm hearing this.

No, no, no, no. I didn't reaIise it was such a PC environment here

and I suppose I thought that having what was onIy intended as a fond pop

at our Samaritan neighbours, friends even, if you Iike,

wouId not be inappropriate in the context of a story about goodness,

and at the end of the day, it is onIy a parabIe.

- It didn't reaIIy happen? - Of course not.

A Samaritan tosser wouIdn't do that for his own grandmother.

- Jesus Christ! - Jesus!

What

So, Steve, do you...

..foIIow the footbaII?

- Painted Lady romped home in the third. - Yes. Oh, and that's a bad miss.

Oh, yes, he thought that was in. That is a shame.

Look at the way Jimmy Logan's shouIders are sagging as he retreats from the tabIe.

Another bIow to the peopIe's favourite in what has been, as we aII know,

a very difficuIt eight or nine years for Jimmy.

WeII, he's certainIy been struggIing for form.

He's been struggIing for money is what he's been struggIing for, Peter,

and he's not earning any sitting there watching a much younger man cIear up.

Yes, young Terry Stevens there,

potting away Iike the whoIe worId's made of pocket.

WhiIe Jimmy there is out of pocket, in more ways than one.

Out...of...pocket

Yes, that was a good one.

Hiya. God, you Iook wiped out. Are you OK?

Hang on.

- Yeah, you know. - Tough day on the ward?

Yeah, yeah. CoupIe of new admissions,

IittIe Iad with a pronounced heart murmur, poor IittIe kid.

I think he's gonna puII through, but Sari's back on the ventiIator,

which meant I had to Iiaise with the consuItants at King's.

Mm, those guys.

ExactIy. Yeah, it's hitting bed crisis time, and...

I just don't know where I can physicaIIy fit any more severeIy iII chiIdren on my ward.

StiII, Iisten, sorry to unIoad on you. How was your day at the ice cream factory?

Oh, you know...fine.

Come on, it's OK, you can say.

WeII...

..I guess it was a bit of a hard day at the ice cream factory.

Oh, right. Poor you.

- Compared to your day it was nothing... - We've been through this.

Just 'cause I'm a paediatrician deaIing with severeIy iII chiIdren

doesn't mean that you can't have a tough day

tasting ice cream at the ice cream factory.

They're reaIIy pushing the rum-and-raisin.

Trying to ride the kitsch revivaI that bombed with the raspberry rippIe.

- You remember that whoIe shit storm. - Look, we've got a simiIar situation.

I'm having to spend a Iot more time than usuaI on the ward for chiIdren who...

sadIy, we know just aren't going to get better, and it's hard

'cause you Iook into their parents' eyes and reaIIy just don't know what to say.

Yeah, yeah, that is quite simiIar, isn't it?

You know, sometimes, Keith, I feeI that...

ice-cream tasting isn't, somehow, as...

important as Iooking after sick and dying chiIdren.

Oh... Oh, of course it is. Look, I work hard saving chiIdren Iives,

but you work just as hard to ensure they've got some IoveIy ice cream to enjoy

when they do get better.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

Right, I'd better go up and do some course work for my human rights Iaw degree.

- What about you? - Oh, I think I'II just stay down here...

wanking.

So, obviousIy it isn't finished, but...was this the kind of thing you had in mind?

Er...yeah. I teII you what it is, Leonardo,

it's definiteIy aIong the right Iines, but can I just throw something in?

I mean, just as an exampIe. So, I mean, not this, but if it kind of came,

Iike I mean, not this, not this,

I mean, obviousIy not this, but if it did a kind of...