The Break-Up

- Come on, come on, come on. - All right, here we go.

Take a seat, buddy!

Come on. It was a good play.

Are you gonna be like this all day?

I don't know. Is it gonna be like this all day?

- I don't know. - It's up to you.

- I have no room to sit. - I got no room to sit.

I'm sitting next to a guy who's sitting

like he's at home on the toilet with his legs spread.

Please don't crowd people. Relax, please. Look at me.

- I am relaxed. - Look how I'm sitting.

- Why are you sitting like that? - Because... What do you think?

Why'd you wake me up for this shit?

Because I'm trying to relax and have a nice day.

Sweating in the sun like a Tijuana whore.

Ice-cold soda!

Get your soda here!

On the right. Coming down there. Pass that on down there.

Hey, hot dog guy, can I get six hot dogs down here, please?

- Right away. - And make it right, please.

You know, with the mustard and the ketchup and the relish.

Don't make me hit you up for more.

I thought we were going to Wiener Circle after this.

- We will. - Then why are you getting hot dogs?

Pass this down, please. You can keep the change.

Do you want one of the hot dogs? You can have a hot... You want a hot dog?

Do you want a hot dog, miss?

- No. Thank you. - You can have one.

- That's okay. - Go ahead. You can have a hot dog.

- No, I don't want one. - Excuse me, sir?

Would you mind passing the lady one of the hot dogs?

- I'm good, thanks. - You don't have to share.

- You can have your own. - Thanks. That's really nice of you.

- Just have one, please. - Okay, give me a hot dog.

Somebody give her a hot dog. I got... The big guy can't eat all of them. Have one.

- Have you ever had one before? - A hot dog?

- At the ballpark? - I have. I believe I have.

- Okay, good. - Thank you.

- Well, enjoy this one. - Thanks.

- Do you like mustard? - No, I'm okay.

It's much better with a topping. Here.

I'm just kidding, I'll give you two.

- Cheers! - Thanks.

We'll share it.

It's a good dog. I like the hot dog. I know.

That's nice.

You have a problem with me eating a hot dog, guy?

I'm trying to watch the game and have a hot dog.

- I'll smack him in his head. - No, just leave him alone.

- Hey, you want to go get a drink? - No.

I'm with somebody, sorry.

Who? The guy with the tucked-in shirt and the visor?

What, is that like a brother? The guy was not your brother, then.

- Who is this guy? - He's not my brother.

Who's this... I'm getting mad now. I'm jealous. Who is this guy?

- Who are you? - I don't know. I'm kidding with you.

Who's the guy with the tucked-in stuff? Is that a boyfriend?

- I'm going. - Do you think you'll marry him?

- What? - 'Cause I know you've thought about it.

The first time you laid eyes on him, you probably thought,

"I wonder if I could marry this guy in plaid shorts who tucks his shirt in. No way."

Then when you kissed him, you said, "I can't believe it."

"I had a lot to drink tonight. I'm kissing the tucked-in guy."

- My point is, if you're not gonna marry him... - Yeah.

...and if it's not forever,

then you really don't have anything to lose in taking me up on my offer.

- Uh-huh. Well, I'm gonna go. - Okay. Me, too.

- Okay. - To where? On an ice-breaking first date?

- Well, no, I don't think... - Listen.

If you want to stay off the market while you're with

Гт-not-the-one-but-rm-comfortable, then you can do that.

But for all you know, I just offered you

a get-out-of-bored-love-for-free card with no strings attached.

- God, you're crazy. - No, I'm not crazy.

And a lot of times people go, "Oh, that's crazy,"

and then they go, "It's genius."

That's what happened when the person invented fire.

They burned that witch. And guess what, then they got warm and they ate good stuff.

Now, where are we headed to? Let's not make this weird,

- 'cause I'm not good on dates. - No. You know what?

I'm better just to kind of hang out and, if we don't have fun,

- I might go my separate way. - Okay.

I'm not committing to anything. I'll go hang out with you for a little bit.

- That's not gonna happen. - But I can't say for sure.

All right, all right, everybody. Welcome to Three Brothers Bus Tours.

All right, all right, everybody. Welcome to Three Brothers Bus Tours.

I'm brother number two. It's good to have you here.

That* right, there's plenty of seats here up front.

/ promise I won't bite. I'm not a biter. I'm psyched to have you here.

Okay, a couple quick ground rules. Please don't jump off the bus.

Weird. Not fun for anybody.

Also, no throwing objects at pedestrians, unless, of course, they deserve it. Okay?

We are not at work today. We are on vacation today.

And if you can't blow it out here on the big funny bus,

where the hell can you?

/ do split the tips with my driver, Shondra. We don't want her back out turning tricks.

That was a weird time for everyone. Seriously. Honest to God.

And I was a customer. Long time ago.

Come on, everybody, let's get loose!

I'm gonna ask you once. Show me that you mean it.

Don't make me ask you twice. Are you ready to see Chicago?

Are you ready to see Chicago?

That's what I'm talking about. Shondra, put this baby in the air.

Let's get the blood flowing. Let's get everyone up and let's loosen it up.

Coming up here, you're gonna notice

one of the only buildings to survive the fire of 1871.

That is the original' Chicago Water Tower and Pumping Station.

Happy Holidays. Marilyn Dean Gallery.

The artist was inspired by the neoclassical movement.

No, she doesn't.

But wanted to reflect it with an abstract bent.

Okay, bye-bye.

- And how much is it? - $35,000.

Happy Holidays. Marilyn Dean Gallery. Hold, please.

- Will you excuse me for a moment? - Sure. Go ahead.

- Christopher? - Yes, sweetie.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

- Christmas was months ago. - Don't remind me. I miss it so much.

Yeah, I know. But today is not a holiday.

I know for a fact that people like my spirit on the phone

and they dig the energy that I give them.

Okay. I'm just saying, I don't think Marilyn Dean will "dig" the energy.

Oh, no. She's the one that told me to be creative. So...

I know. It's just... Okay. What is the next holiday coming?

The Fourth of July, is that what's next?

Well, if you want to get technical, there's Memorial Day, there's Flag Day.

Some people recognize Father's Day as a holiday. I don't.

I get it. I get it. Well, on those days you can say, "Happy Holidays."

Every other day, "Good morning, good afternoon,

"good evening, Marilyn Dean Gallery." Okay?

Okay.

- I'm so sorry about that. - Oh, no.

So, now this is a new piece by Zakrzewska.

What do you think of this?

- Can I be honest with you? - Please.

Other than taking an art history class in college,

which I pretty much slept through, I don't have the first clue about art

or how to go about buying it. I mean, like that painting.

I mean, I don't see the point in buying something that I could have done myself.

Yeah. I completely agree with you.

You know, an art teacher of mine once said,

"Never buy a piece of art that you don't have to have."

You know, don't worry about who the artist is or how much it's worth.

I mean, you have to live with it every day. You have to walk by it every day.

You know, you have to really love it. You have to really appreciate it.

It's kind of like picking a mate.

- Hey, honey! - Hi.

- How's it going? - It's good.

- Oh, wow. You got a lot happening. - I know.

- Very exciting. - I am starving.

- Oh, careful. That's really... That's very hot. - Oh, that's hot, hot, hot.

- Yep. - Jesus.

Hey, honey, you've got to really... You should get ready, okay?

- Oh, you look great. - Thank you.

Got a lot of nice stuff. Got a pizza.

- All kinds of stuff. - Terrific.

I just need you to decide what to... You know, I did everything.

- Gary? - Yeah?

- Oh, come on! Really? - You got three lemons.

What my baby wants, my baby gets. You know that.

Yeah, but I wanted 12. Baby wanted 12.

Why would you want 12 lemons?

Because I'm making a 12-lemon centerpiece.

So, no one's actually even eating them? They're just show lemons?

Yeah. They're just show lemons. Shown in the center of the table.

I'm glad you find that amusing,

but I cannot fill a vase with only three lemons.

Well, can't you just use, like, maybe a drinking glass?

I'm not gonna use a drinking...

We could have a smaller version of a centerpiece.

I'm not gonna use a drinking glass for our centerpiece.

You know what? I've got an idea.

Why don't we go ahead and scratch the centerpiece idea altogether,

because the chicken that burnt my mouth

could maybe use a little bit of lemon on top of it.

Guess what? Now we've made a better meal versus something visually nice to look at.

What are you do... What's happening here? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, I had such a long day on the bus.

I need a little bit of down time. My feet are killing me.

- Gary, come on, my feet are killing me, too. - I'm exhausted.

I worked all day. Went to the market.

I cleaned this entire condo and then I've been cooking for the last three hours.

Come on. Help set the table.

- Sweetheart. - What?

You've done such a great job already. Don't you want to finish it yourself

and have that personal power of that accomplishment?

- Set the table. - Listen to me.

Do you think that when Michelangelo, right,

was painting the Sixteenth Chapel, that he said,

"Hey, guys, you know, I did pretty good on the first 15 chapels,

"but why don't you help me design this one?

"And maybe you could help me... Give me a brush

"and you guys can grab brushes, and we can all make a great chapel." Uh-uh.

No, he didn't. And you wanna know what the results were?

A masterpiece.

Okay. It's the Sistine Chapel, not the Sixteenth,

and I bet when Michelangelo asked for 12 brushes, they didn't bring him three.

Yeah. Okay, all the talking is really starting to drain me,

and now I'm gonna have to watch the highlights later to see what I missed here.