House of Lies

Welcome to the new economy, America.

You open your mouth, and the damage

just spills right out.

My name is Marty Kaan

and I'm a management consultant.

How do you make improvements on a masterpiece?

Me and my team talk people into thinking

they really need us... just enough

to sell them some more.

We're paying out the ass for top-tier consulting firms.

Why not acquire one? You will be ours.

With this potential merger coming up,

all of our asses are on the line.

Our asses are on the line because of you.

Clyde Oberholt has just been named in the 25 under 30

of management consultants.

Boom! You think I don't see all

your fucking teacher's pet ass kissing every day? What?

What do you mean, "What?" Marty's my mentor.

No, he's not, Doug. He's not.

You go home and do what you can to cope with the shift.

Hey, Dad? Huh! Yeah?

What's Mom doing here?

Don't ever fuck your ex-wife.

Our son is a tranny for life.

Be expecting a call from my lawyers.

I want custody of Roscoe.

She can't take him, Dad.

She didn't take him. He went.

There's an 87% likelihood

that we're gonna sleep together, so...

Oh, my God. What?

Certain partners have been using

their considerable influence to bang the hotter,

younger elements of the company.

He promised my fast rise to partner.

The merger's dead.

Namaste!

You are Sluticus!

I've been behaving badly. Seriously?

So you blew up your life for the job.

You blow up your life every day for the job.

To the... Motherfucking...

blower... uppers.

Still don't know what it is we do?

Hmm, then I guess we're doing it well.

Hey, Jeannie. Marty.

Well, you look rested.

Seriously?

Uh, no. I was just being polite. You look like shit.

Ah, there he is.

No, but seriously, how-how you doing? How you been?

You know, I fucked my boss, told the whole company,

left my handsome rich fiancé

and got kicked out of our stunning downtown loft,

was forced to take a two-week paid vacation

to think about what a naughty girl I've been,

and decide whether or not I want to sue my employer.

I think that's everything.

Am I leaving out...? Oh, chlamydia.

Wow. So...

work? Uh, for... Yeah, let's go.

Yeah. Let's, probably go to work.

But you don't really have chlamydia, do you?

I wish I was joking.

Um, Marty, I-I don't really...

because a lot of weird stuff happened that night.

I mean a lot Yeah.

Of really weird shit went down

with the Rainmaker, with you, with me.

And when I left the hotel,

I didn't have any underpants.

Wow. There's people right there.

And I'm not sure if, um, we...

Did we...?

Here's the thing.

I'm just gonna (clears throat)

Be honest right now, Marty.

I blacked out, so I don't know if...

Did we...?

I'm not saying for a fact that we did,

but did we? Well, you know what?

You know what? I'm sure that we didn't.

This is a conversation that we definitely need to have.

We need to have this discussion,

but I don't know if we need to do it at this moment.

Okay.

At this point, Marty, I'm not even sure

who I am anymore, so if, um...

Yeah, right. There's a lot of people.

: Okay, but if we could just get this one little thing cleared up.

Saying it more quietly doesn't help.

There's a lot of people. I know.

Yeah, there's a lot of people in the elevator.

Marty?

Marty, did we...?

Jeannie, please, can we just focus, okay?

We got to step into this meeting

with the new queen of Galweather, I know.

In, like two minutes, all right?

I know, I know, I'm just trying to figure out...

Because I think... I mean, the board is convinced that this one,

she's gonna turn this place around,

take the stink off of it.

Which makes a lot of sense because she did spend

$100 million of her own dollars

to try and buy this gubernatorial election.

Didn't work. Shit the bed. I know, I know.

Excuse me. But I really don't care how much...

So that's the board's wisdom.

Marty, please, can you not just...?

Marty!

Marty!

Jeannie, I don't remember either.

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back, Pass-around Patty.

Thank you, Clyde. You're welcome.

That means so much coming from you. Yeah, well, I missed you, too.

But you two haven't seen each other

since you've been sidelined,

have you, Jeannie Beannie?

I... I mean, not like socially or,

I don't know... I'm gonna throw it out there... fucking?

Oh, yeah! Just like weird, drunk,

sweaty fucking. Because there was

that night, do you remember, Doug?

I do. Do you remember that night? Yeah.

We were all drinking... all of us were drinking...

then you two just disappeared...

that's what I remember... then there's a gap of time.

Right. Ooh! I have no idea what you filled that gap with.

You know what? We have a pool going. Yes.

And right now we're at five-to-one you guys did it.

Are you serious? Is this model sound? Uh-huh.

Marty's given us no information,

so it is not sound, but we are

gathering data. We need data.

Meeting, meeting, meeting.

Let's go. Shit.

Uh, my goodness,

this is quite a good-looking bunch.

But I'm not being inappropriate or harassing.

Very good.

I want to introduce myself.

My name is Julianne Hofschraeger,

and I am the interim CEO here at the new Galweather Stearn.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my CV,

I turned around a few little Internet companies

you may have heard of. (Snores)

I had a very, just wonderful run for office

that didn't work out exactly as I had planned.

Shake that off.

Gotta shake it off.

We are building a new company here

based on a fresh ethical reality.

This is the era of women at Galweather;

we are bringing in some new management-level gals,

and internally, we are promoting our very own

Jeannie Van Der Hooven...

Are you kidding me?

To engagement manager.

Manager? That doesn't even mean anything.

What? Wow! Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Well, you know what? That's enough talk.

Let's get to work moving this company forward.

Look at you, huh?

Jeannie! How's it feel?

You got the big 'ol "Please don't sue us" promotion.

Also known as the non-promotion promotion.

Ding-ding. Fuck!

I like her. She seems dynamic.

You're a big idiot.

Marty, that night... MARTY: You know how to Running Man?

You know how to Running Man.

You, you did the Running Man.

See it?

Absolutely, absolutely.

Go, Marty. Go, Marty.

Mm, no, you did

the Running Man.

I don't know how to do the Running Man.

Jeannie, do the Running Man.

(grunting)

Yeah, I know that now.

What else, Marty?

Oh, my God, Marty, what else?

Marty, you and your pod have a 9:45 conference call

with Mr. Pincus.

Thanks. Who set up Pincus?

Don't look at me. I don't...

What do you mean? Okay. Yeah, I'm on it, I'm on it.

Are you guys fucking kidding me? I don't have Pinc...

See? There! You see?

The new Galweather Stearn off to save the day.

You go get 'em, sister.

Marty, (clears throat)

You know that we're hemorrhaging business

with the big guys leaving, right? Mm.

You're the new Jesus Christ, and I am counting on you