Wedding Present

Come on, Steve! You're supposed to be a speed cop.

Let's have some speed. I've got to get to the globe express.

What's the big news, rusty?

The big news is that I've got to hurry. I'm late for a wedding.

This is Haley of the globe express. Have you seen Charlie Mason?

No? Well, if you see him, tell him to rush right over to the office.

Pete stagg is having hysterics.

Wait till I get a hold of that tramp.

Do you want me to take the assignment?

No. If you can't find Mason, why doesn't somebody find rusty Fleming?

Like what, darling?

Do you know where Charlie Mason is?

Yes, I know.

Then what are you standing there for?

Go get him. Tell him he's fired.

Tell him to get over to the St. Andrews' hotel right away

and get that story about the archduke.

Which shall I tell him?

Some day I'll fire him and you, too!

And this time you'll stay fired.

You won't get to the front office to talk your way out of it.

You'll find yourselves out on the street

with my footprints all over you.

And if you think I'm talking just for the sake of hearing myself talk...

She's gone, Mr. stagg.

Do you solemnly swear

that the statements contained in this affidavit

are true, so help you god?

Yes, sir.

Here's your marriage license. Next.

The name is Mason, Charlie Mason.

I'm sorry I can't shake hands with you, but...

Where's your affidavit blank?

Blank?

Yeah, I did have some kind of a blank, didn't I?

Let me see now. Do you mind?

Thank you. There.

Say, are you crazy?

No, only happy.

Does that look like an affidavit blank to you?

Now that you mention it, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't!

Don't be harsh with me. I'm sensitive.

Go fill out an affidavit blank,

and get back to the end of the line.

Oh, be a good fellow and fill one out for me, will you?

Nothing doing. The end of the line. Next.

The age of chivalry is dead.

As for you, sir, I thank you. Maybe we shall meet again in a future life.

If we ever do, I shall be happy to hold your bundles for you.

I'm much obliged.

Get those bundles out of here.

What do you think this is? Go check them in the cloak room.

Such manners. Such manners.

Rusty.

What have you got?

Oh, you nut! Wearing that coat for a wedding at the county clerk's.

I like to do things right. How does it look?

Fine, but you'd better let me take off the price tag.

What is all this?

Well, fire irons.

What is home without a fireplace?

And what's a fireplace without fire irons?

And a vacuum cleaner. You gotta have a vacuum cleaner.

And rambler roses. You've always liked rambler roses.

Yes, but climbing up the side of a house, you goof.

Well, all right, we have the roses.

All we need is a side of a house.

Wait a minute, I'll make a note of it.

Listen, Charlie.

I know that any day is a total loss to you

unless you pull at least three gags,

and I love you for it. I wouldn't have you any other way.

But...

Don't go solemn on a guy just because you're marrying him.

Charlie, tomorrow or any other day,

you can ride a white mule up the city hall steps

and I'll ride it with you, but today is different.

I'll spend the rest of my life with you being crazy,

but let's not have a crazy wedding day.

Sure, rusty, sure. You want me to be serious? All right, I'll be serious.

And the most serious thing in my life right now is to kiss you.

Wouldn't you think there'd be a little privacy here?

Hey, you! Keep an eye on these till we get back.

Oh, let me tender my congratulations. I represent dobbin and dobbin.

I suppose at this moment you are thinking

of that happy little home which you're going to furnish.

Now, let me tell you of my easy payment plan.

Not interested!

Oh, but surely the little woman is.

Are your easy payments really easy?

Easy? They're the easiest in Chicago.

Say, we've got couples that've been married for 10 years that are still paying.

I'll tell you what. I'm kind of busy right now,

but if you'll drop into my office tomorrow,

I'll give you an order. My name's Pete stagg.

I'm the city editor on the globe express.

I'll be there, Mr. stagg, without fail.

Well, now that you've nicely arranged to get us fired...

Oh, that's tomorrow.

Look, I've got to certify that we're not idiots or insane.

Do you have to swear to it?

Come on, rusty.

Say, I didn't know marriage was so popular.

Do you solemnly swear that the statements...

Say, what's the matter with you?

You've got the date of your birth down here August 4th, 1934.

That makes you two years old.

That's right. Next year, I'll be eligible for the Kentucky derby.

And if you were marrying a girl like mine,

you'd feel that young yourself.

The said persons are not idiots or insane...

So you're both idiots and insane?

Well, you decided to tell the truth, didn't you?

What's the matter? Don't you like that blank?

No, I don't. And what's more, this is no place for clowning.

Oh, Charlie, you promised.

All right, rusty. Maybe he'll like this one better. There we are.

Yes, this one is in order.

Swell. Here's three bucks.

Give me one of your very best marriage licenses.

What's the matter now? Counterfeit money?

Nope, but take a look at that clock.

Looks like an all right clock to me.

And if you'll look at it, you'll see it's 5:00. That's closing time.

Aw, be a good fellow. I apologize. That's fair enough, isn't it?

Come on, give me that marriage license, huh?

With pleasure... tomorrow.

All right, I know lots of places

where I can get a good marriage license for two bucks.

And do you know where you can get a girl to go with it?

Aw, rusty, don't be sore. We'll come back tomorrow and do this right.

I'll be as solemn as seven owls.

Come on, don't make a guy feel as though he had jilted you.

Don't be dull, Charlie. I'm not sore.

I'm jilting you, my lad.

Why? Because I...

Because this thing called marriage was never invented for us, Charlie.

We went haywire when we thought it was.

What do you say we stay almost married?

Here, hold this. I gotta make a phone call.

When you hear the tone,

the time will be two and ohne half minutes after 5:00.

They're all yours.

We better hurry and get that archduke story.

See? I knew this coat would come in handy for something, after all.

Say, how many of these things must you eat before an archduke comes out?

Lift up the lettuce. He might be hiding.

Newspapermen. Newspapermen! Winternitz, please, send them away.

But, your highness...

But, your highness, your engagement to miss mainwaring,

it makes big news for them.

Am I the only man in America that gets married?

But, highness, she is one of the richest women in America,

and you are an archduke. They are curious about you.

Yes, they ought to be curious about any man who would marry that.

Newspapers!

They ought to put me in their "believe it or else not."

I'll bet she gives the Duke four stars.

Sit down, sweetheart, and let your arteries harden.

Two to one, it's a stooge.

Please, be patient.

His highness, the archduke Gustav Ernest, will see you presently.

Well, what's his highness doing?

He's getting a high, I'll bet.

What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

But soon it will all be over, your highness.

Miss mainwaring's reception and then the wedding,

and then...

Your highness.

If you could only get those terrible newspaper people out of the next room!

Wherever I go, they follow me with their terrible questions!

If this is a Democratic country,

why doesn't the archduke have rights like other people?

Oh, your highness, my name is Mason.

I'm the assistant hotel manager.

I don't care who you are.

This is miss Fleming, my... my assistant.

Oh.

Oh, so...

You have a charming assistant, Mr. assistant manager.

Yes, well, what I really came for was to apologize

for the way the newspaper people have been bothering you.

I think we can prevent that in future.

You see, I have charge of our relations with the press.

Now, if you gave me an interview,

I could send it out to all the papers at once and spare you this annoyance.

But your American interviews, I do not understand.

Oh, it's very simple, really.

Nothing to it.

Suppose we demonstrate.

You be a visiting prince and I'll interview you.

All right, shoot.

Your highness, what do you think of our American women?

Ah, charming! But charming!

How does it feel to fall out of love?

What do you mean? With whom?

With me, darling.

I never have.

Never have what? Fallen in or out?