Interviewing Monsters and Bigfoot

- By the end of the second decade

of the 21st century, it was uniformly agreed,

by scientist and scholar alike,

that the mythical forest creature known as Bigfoot

was simply a hoax.

This is the story of the people who set out

to prove them wrong.

All right, all right!

I knew she was your sister!

But come on, man, I ain't the only one been ridin' that bus.

You're the forest ranger here.

You swore to protect everything in these woods.

- She had to have anal rejuvenation surgery

'cause of you.

- Forest Ranger Billy Teal,

my childhood friend and more recently my nemesis.

What we done...

Fran Andersen.

Without him, this story would be a lot more believable.

- Was perfectly legal consensual sexual behavior.

- She may be over 21, but she's not all there

and you know it.

- Using your glasses was her idea.

- I'm gonna shoot you

in your smart mouth Andersen

so you can't tell anyone what you did.

- And who the hell am I gonna tell?

I ain't even from around here.

- I told you to stay out of these woods.

And I warned you about my sister.

That's my honey.

Dammit, sorry, buddy.

Relax, killer, feel it.

- There she is, the only woman I ever loved.

My wife, Carla.

What I can feel, honey, is you rubbing your junk

up against me?

My junk?

Don't you mean my cuddly little kitty?

Shoot those cans, tiger.

You gonna let those cans have their way with me?

Is that what you want?

The mother of your child passed around and ravaged

by some lecherous cans?

Okay.

All right.

Oh, Professor.

You saved me.

- There's nothing out here that'll hurt you now, my love.

I love you.

It's dark.

Left brain wants some wine.

- You know right brain's thinking about something else.

Not now, Professor.

The law of survival states

that if I don't get me some every day

right about this time, I will die.

No, no, no.

You're not going to die.

You know the woods brings out

the beast in me.

Stop.

You go get some wine.

Go.

How did you ever turn into a grown ass man

with your shit together with that thing calling the shots?

Go!

Cory, is that you?

Who's there?

Hello?

Oh, damn, I knew you were gonna do that.

Where have you been?

- I was out communing with nature.

What is that?

It's a turd.

- Gross, why didn't you just leave it in the woods

like the rest of the forest creatures?

Why is it so big?

- Honey, it didn't come out of me.

Oh.

- It also didn't come out of a bear.

I wanna know what made this.

Did you taste it, Professor?

- Sweetie, you know I taste everything out here

except for my own pee.

Take the turd.

- I don't really wanna take turd.

- No, take the turd, it goes with the Merlot.

But I think you--

Take the turd.

Honey, honey, take the turd.

Thanks, you know the drill.

I'm gonna get some firewood.

- Mmm hmm. - Love you.

- Mmm hmm. - Love you.

Mmm hmm.

You're not gonna scare me again.

I'm gonna beat you with this turd!

Stop messin' around!

Carla!

Carla!

Carla, no!

No!

You bastard!

No, you fucking bastard!

- Gotta get your stuff there anyways.

Hey, Gloria!

Let me get you home.

It's not your fault! - Hello!

- Bye girls. - Bitch, gimme back my wig!

Bitch, gimme back my wig.

Gimme this damn thing!

You be nice, huh?

Larry.

How are ya? - Oh no you don't.

It's time to go.

Gloria Teal,

my best research assistant

and the daughter I never had.

And that's her daughter, Cassie.

Come on, Cassie, help Mommy.

Pastor Evans, you're a mess.

Yes, I am.

And you peed your pants.

Yes, I did.

- You don't need any more of that.

- Did I tell you Casey's coming home?

- I guess he'll be staying at the house?

- He can sleep with the interns.

You sure he's not gonna mind

us being there?

- You guys are the best damn assistants

I ever had next to Carla.