Seinfeld

Any second now.

It's light is on.

Melissa, waffles are ready.

Oh, fantastic. I'm starving.

How about that?

She ate breakfast naked?

She didn't even want a napkin.

I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked.

I have never had living-room naked.

Oh, it's a scene.

It's like you're living in the Playboy Mansion.

Did she...? Did she frolic?

I don't have enough room.

- Hey, Laney, Puddy. - Hey.

- Hi. - Hey.

- I gotta make a pit stop. - Okay.

Back together?

His apartment was being fumigated. We thought we'd give it another shot.

So guess who called me last night. Jason Hanke.

"Stanky" Hanke? What did he want?

He called to apologise for standing me up five years ago.

Why now?

A.A. It's one of the 12 steps.

Step number 9 is you have to apologise...

to everyone you've ever wronged.

I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.

Still with the neck hole?

- Still upset. Very upset. - What neck hole?

Remember that party he threw a few years ago?

He had that very draughty apartment. I think on 9th Avenue...

Faster.

- I asked if I could borrow a sweater. - A cashmere sweater.

I said, preferably cashmere. For warmth.

In front of the whole party, he says:

"No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole."

Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did.

Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head.

Or is it because of your neck?

No, I think the head does most of the stretching.

Regardless, I had to walk around for the rest of the party...

in some cheap MetLife Windbreaker. Now it is payback time.

- I really think it's the size of your neck. - It's my head.

- Hey, isn't this great? - Hey.

Since the nerds in Accounting moved...

we're the only ones in this bathroom.

Yeah. Great.

You went to the coffee shop without me?

I told you I just wanted to hop in the shower.

That's an hour ago. What were you doing in there?

Showering. How long does it take you?

- Ten minutes. - Ten minutes?

That's kooky talk.

Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?

- Ten minutes. - Let me smell you.

All right. Whiff away.

It's not bad at all.

- That's it. - Okay.

So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today...

and I see Peggy using a seat protector.

- So? - We're the only women on the floor.

I mean, we're like roommates.

Would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?

The damage is probably already done.

- All right. I'll get that. - All right. It's just...

Maybe she just practises good hygiene.

Yeah, you're right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.

Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes.

Get washcloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap...

and just... focus.

Zephyr? That is not a word.

- Do you challenge? - No, I do not challenge.

Sixty-six points.

I'd accuse you of cheating, but where would you hide the tiles?

- You want some more iced tea? - Sure.

Wrong pipe.

So she coughed.

Coughing? Naked?

It's a turnoff, man.

Everything goes with naked.

When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles...

that suddenly spring into action.

It's like watching a fat guy catch a cannonball...

in his stomach in slow motion.

Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man.

You know how much mental energy I expend...

trying to picture women naked?

But the thing you don't realise is there's good naked and bad naked.

Naked hair brushing, good. Naked crouching, bad.

- Hey, there's Hanke. - All right, it's grovel time.

Hey, George. Jerry.

Listen, I just got sober...

so I've been going through the 12 steps.

What are you up to now? Step 9?

Yeah. Making amends.

Important step.

Maybe the most important.

Anyway, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb...

but when we first met, I thought your name was Gary.

I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times.

I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad.

So I'm sorry.

Thank you. I did notice and I appreciate you rectifying it.

Great. Great.

Well, I'll see you guys later.

Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower.

I made some good cuts and I didn't lose anything I needed.

Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now.

- You've got some suds over here. - What?

Oh, man.

Jeez. Look at that. I'm all lathery.

Jerry, you gotta show me what I'm doing wrong.

- Oh, come on. - No, I mean it, man. I'm lost.

You promise you'll never come in here again?

Well, Jerry, you know I can't do that.

My sense of it is you're probably wasting time working piecemeal:

- First cleaning one area, then another. - Well, that's how cats do it.

But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue...

you wanna use gravity.

Okay, let's turn the water on now.

No, I told you. It's just a dry run.

Hanke's moved on to Step 10.

- He was taking personal inventory. - That's Step 10?

He has to do is count his blessings, say a prayer and he's done.

You believe this?

Come on, Jerry, how about a baggy swimsuit?

No. You're not getting any skin, Kramer.

Well, this has all been one big tease.

These proofs look pretty good.

Oh, can I move this?

Yep. I think this will work.

I'm gonna get another bottle of water.

Here, take mine. There's a little left.

Oh, thanks, Walter.

Guys, there's no doubt that the pay is good.

But I just don't know if I see myself working with ice cream.

You get pretty buff forearms.

I don't know if I'm into that.

- Oh, hello, Hanke, others. - George.

You know, Jason, I couldn't help notice:

I didn't get my apology.

Apology? For what?

A draughty apartment. A sweaterless friend.

A ball-game-giveaway MetLife Windbreaker.

George, come on. Not that neck-hole thing.

Yes, the neck-hole thing.

I'd appreciate it if you'd say you're sorry.

No way. You would have completely stretched it out.

You're an alcoholic. You have to apologise.

Step 9. Step 9.

All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry.

I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head...

struggling to find its way into the normal-size neck hole...

of my finely knit sweater.

Now, see, that's smart. Constant motion.

- Hey. - Oh, yeah. I'm watching you too...

but this guy's really showing me something.

You got a steak?

What happened to you?

People in this city are crazy.

Here you go.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, yes. Yeah, you got any A.1., because I'm cooking a steak.

- What? - A different one.

Okay, Jerry. I fixed that bike.

That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show.

I gotta clean those bearings. Hold this.

- Look at all that gunk. - Please don't crouch.

- It caught my skin. - Oh, that's bad.

Especially that area.

You got anything to snack on?

Oh, pickles.

It's a tough one.

Please stop. Let me help you with that.

It's gonna leave a welt. Look at that.

I can't. I can't look anymore.

I've seen too much.

Peggy, we gotta talk.

What is it about me that you find so offensive?

- You seem to be with a lot of men. - What?

I happen to have a very steady boyfriend.

You know, I mean, we broke up a few times...

and there has been an occasional guy here or there, but...

Why is this your business?

It's not. Good day.

Oh, all right. You think I've got germs?

I'll give you some germs.

How about some for your keyboard, huh?

How about that? Yeah?

Oh, how about for your stapler?

That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.

Well, technically, he did apologise.

Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch.

He was riffing. Riffing. On my pain.

You want an apology for the apology plus the original apology?

That's right. I'm two in the hole.

Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva.

She did a full-body flex on a pickle jar.

Did you explain about the good naked and the bad naked?

Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?

Well, what if you showed her bad naked, huh?