Boy Toy

I know you've got someone living in there with you.

I'll be by at 12:30 to collect my extra money.

Your landlord.

Mm.

Jake, Jake.

Get up. Wake up.

I just got a message from Stu. He knows you've been staying here.

You gotta go. He's on his way over. Come on, let's go. Get up.

- Good morning. - Hi. Good morning.

God damn it.

You see what you've done? You're tearing my life apart, Jake.

There's someone at the door.

Don't move. Stay. Stay.

Hey, Stu.

You want some breakfast? How are you doing? You hungry?

Oh, I'd love some lunch. You know what?

I would like a side order of green.

That would be two bills extra a month.

And I need $1000 back rent, or you two...

- There's only one. - Baloney there's only one!

L... he... no one...

What's this? Ha, look at that.

Hi. How are you? Nice nipples.

Hey, Stu, how are you?

"Hey, Stu, what's happening," huh?

Is that cool? Are you cool?

- He just spent the night, Stu. - You know what? Don't.

He's hanging out for a few days.

Crashing for a couple days? Don't. Don't. Just don't play me for an idiot.

- No one's calling you an idiot. - We all know how intelligent you are.

Don't play stupid with me, 'cause Mrs. Klein already ratted you out.

So I want the two of you... pay up or get out!

I'm sorry, boys.

He... he asked me questions.

I'm disappointed, Mrs. Klein, very disappointed.

It's okay, Mrs. Klein.

Listen, you just keep those Social Security checks coming

and I'll be in to rub your corns.

That's disgusting.

That's disgusting? I'll tell you what's disgusting.

The two of you men in a one-bedroom house.

The two of you men doing stuff to each other.

- This is disgusting. - I don't think that's...

Oh yeah? That's funny, 'cause you reek like his jizz.

Is that how it works? Oh, you know,

it's innocent at first, isn't it?

"Oh, I gotta take a shower. Let's save water. It's Tuesday.

Why don't you jump in with me?" I want two extra bills

and $1000 back rent,

or Fag City is gonna be closed down

by Mayor McCheese over here.

Good day! Pay up!

Jake, you gotta come up with $1200

by tomorrow morning!

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it, man.

Jake, you haven't got a paycheck in six months.

How are you gonna come up with $1200 tomorrow morning, Jake?

Okay, I'm expecting a residual check any day now from the underwear ad.

Jake, the last time you got a residual check for that,

it was $20.

And you spent it on a "MILF Monthly" subscription.

Yes, that wasn't a very good investment, huh?

Yes, Jake, that's a bad investment.

That is a very very bad investment.

What are you trying to say, Ron?

I'm trying to say get a job.

Okay? Get a job, Jake.

All you do is bring home hot women

and sleep with them in my bed.

And I have to sleep on the couch in my own house.

You don't pay for rent. You don't pay for groceries.

- You don't do anything. And I'm sick of it. - Okay.

I can't live like this anymore. I just can't afford it anymore.

I refuse to afford it. I can't afford it.

I can't support you.

Ronald, calm down. Things aren't that easy for me either, okay?

It's not like I'm on vacation. I'm out there every day trying to make a living.

Things are gonna change, okay?

I'm trying really hard. I'm gonna make this work.

I'm gonna get the cash to you, I swear to God. I swear.

I've got a casting in a couple of hours. It's for this modeling gig.

I think I've got a good shot at it, man.

I've got one of those really good feelings I usually get...

a really good feeling. Don't worry about it.

Well, that's wonderful. 'Cause every time I go out,

I get a really good feeling about this one,

and that seems to never work out for me.

Okay, well, that's where you and I differ, my friend,

because I have a secret weapon... a very secret weapon

which will help my success.

I got myself a brand new stage name.

- You want to hear it? - Yeah.

Hi. I'm Gerard Colbeck.

That's it. It's sick, right?

If you're doing gay porn.

Look, I'll take care of this, okay, man?

I promise. I'll find the money somehow.

I will make this right, I swear.

Okay?

Okay? All right.

- Wish me luck. I gotta go. - Good luck.

Wait, what am I supposed to do with this girl in the bed?

I don't know. Make her breakfast.

Well, what's her name?

Uh, don't know.

But she's got a fetish for whipped cream.

If we've got some left, use it.

Reese's Pieces.

Uh uh, excuse me, miss?

Hi.

Hi.

Gerard Cobalt?

- Cobalt? Colbeck? - Colbeck.

We are shooting a campaign for Brioni, all right?

And honestly, I mean, looking at you,

this is kind of what we're looking for.

I mean, you... this is our client Mr. Hartley

and Miss Barbra Skypes. She's the owner of the PR firm

launching the campaign for Mr. Hartley.

- Hi. - How do you do?

First off, we're just gonna get a few shots, okay?

We're just gonna see how you look on camera

with our beautiful Giada here.

- Yes yes? - Hello, Giada. Pleasure.

Mm-hmm.

- Just sort of get into it? - Just, yeah, snuggle right up.

She won't bite.

Snuggle right in there.

Yes yes. Uh...

Uh, I don't...

Um...

Um...

Brioni.

R-r-r-r.

Sophisticated chic, yes?

Let's just try some of those looks... lots of eyes.

Yes yes yes? Okay.

All right, yes. Alive eyes.

You're alive.

Yes yes.

Let's...

let's just try doing nothing

with your... with yourself.

- Let's just try emptiness and emotionless. - Right.

Just stop doing everything. Okay.

Yes yes.

Got it. I think we got that one.

We've really got it. I think that's fantastic. Okay.

Really?

Very very empty.

I'm not sure I brought my A-game to the last one.

We got it. Thank you.

Yeah, it was actually pretty good. It was pretty good.

I also brought a headshot for you guys,

if you'll pardon the pun.

Get it? Headshot?

Yeah, a headshot.

- We'll be in touch. - Or not.

- Just that way. - Okay.

All right, all right.

- Oh Jakey. - Hey buddy.

- Didn't go very well, huh? - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man. Did not go well at all.

I didn't have the right look they wanted.

It's so stupid, man. They were going for that Middle America thing.

- I don't get it myself. - That is kind of stupid. Thank you.

- Gracias, Jorge. - Jorge, can you please go in the back?

I've asked you to go get some olives from the back. Can you do that, please?

Jorge. God damn it, Jorge.

I'm sorry. Go. Go back there.

Hey, get in the goddamn kitchen.

- What's that guy's deal? - I don't even think he speaks English.

I don't know if he understands what I'm saying.

All right, I have to go make sure he's not cutting himself again.

- Would you watch the bar? - Yeah yeah yeah.

- Baby, have a seat. - All right.

Hey yo.

Hey yo. Can I help you?

- You work here, buddy? - I do indeed. What can I get you?

Two vodka tonics, doubles. We're getting crazy tonight, baby.

- Yeah. - Yes.

- Doubles? Getting crazy, eh, big man? - Yeah.

- Two vodka tonics coming right up. - We're getting crazy.

Getting crazy. Sorry, I forget your name.

- I didn't tell you. - Oh, okay.

Two vodka tonics.

- You're an air sign, right? - Yes. How did you know that?

I'm gonna say you are an Aquarius.

Yes. That is crazy.

Oh my God, are you like psychic or something?

- Hey buddy, hey buddy. - Hold on, pal.

- Just make the drinks, all right? - One sec, buddy, one sec.

- My name is Cindi. - Cindi? Hmm.

Cindi, you don't strike me as a vodka tonic kind of gal.

I'm gonna go ahead and say

your favorite drink is

a strawberry mojito.

Oh my gosh, that is my friggin' favorite.

Yeah, I think what we should do is

once you're done with Von Douche here, you and I get together