Resident Alien

Dr. Vanderspeigle, the new doctor has arrived.

The new doctor is gorgeous.

Please call me Dr. Ethan.

He has stupid hair.

Sam trusted you.

Maybe he left a prescription pad out on the top of the desk.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

I can see it all over your face,

and I'm not blind anymore.

Yeah, you look bad. You must have Colorado Fever.

Never heard of Colorado Fever.

You just need a little bit of caffeine.

- I'm gonna go have a lie down. - That's a good idea.

Have a sip on that.

Whatever creature was piloting

this ship will be coming back.

I want you to bring it to me,

no matter what it takes.

We've got a guest at the party.

Roger that. Move in.

The biggest misconception humans have about the universe

is that it's enormous.

It's not. It's tiny.

It's all so finite

and smells of slightly burnt caramel corn.

I understand why these dumb humans

don't know anything about the extended universe.

They've never been there.

But the universe has been to them.

What's going on? What are you doing?

Where are we?

We have a second subject on the scene.

Confirm engagement of the primary target.

- Negative, stand by. - Roger that, standing by.

Hello.

I thought you were napping.

Napping?

You mean knocked out from the sleeping pills

you slipped into my coffee?

Yes... "napping."

I found them in the bloody drawer.

Faked falling asleep so I could follow you here.

Why did you do that to me?

What are doing out here

in the middle of the night alone?

The problem is we're not alone.

Honey.

The only reason I'm out here

is that I needed space.

What?

Yes, space like husbands often say

in television shows...

And since I am your husband and nothing else,

I took one of my nightly drives looking for nothing

and ended up at this random place for no reason.

Damn it.

And I enjoy rocks

and dirt.

You want space?

I hope you find it.

But let's kiss and make up.

We can make it work, you and me.

You are my gal, and I'm your fella.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

It's nothing.

It's just some marriage squabble.

- I'll see you later... - Yeah.

- At our home. - Shoot him anyway.

- Stand down, Sergeant! - I repeat, stand down.

Roger that. Standing down.

There is something so wrong with you.

They stole my ship.

They know I'm stranded here. They must be searching for me.

I would grow a mustache as a disguise,

but then I'd have to get a job

as a firefighter or a pedophile.

We should talk.

Yes?

What are you making for dinner?

I'm leaving.

I can't spend another night here with you.

I like it when you make the mini chickens.

You're not listening. I'm leaving you.

You said that once, but you're still here.

I don't want her to go. I'm very hungry.

I need her to make me food. I must get her to stay.

I have an idea.

Stay.

- Nope. - That didn't work.

I can't live like this.

I feel alienated, lied to.

Are you upset because I drugged you?

I was trying to be kind.

On television, the Three Stooges

knock each other out with skillets.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Goodbye, Harry.

Wait, no. I don't like this.

- Stop. - Just answer me one question.

Did you ever love me?

Once.

Thank you for finally being honest.

Um...

Hey, have you looked at Max Hawthorne's file?

Is that the one who pees the bed

or the one who sees monsters?

Well, it's called teraphobia, I guess.

I've never heard of it.

If you could just.

I've known Max forever,

and he's never shown anything like this before, you know?

Don't you think it's extreme

that Dr. Vanderspeigle is suggesting sending him away?

Well, my parents sent me to a school in Connecticut

when I was a kid.

I don't mean to brag, but I think I turned out okay.

They sent you away for a medical condition?

No, I was really good at lacrosse.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

That was

no help at all.

Did you ever notice anything unusual

about Jay's behavior?

She was always a little shifty and quiet.

Quiet how?

Like how drug addicts are quiet?

Like she was just sitting around daydreaming

about her next sniff and puff?

"Sniff and puff."

Just quiet

like she was planning something.

And once she microwaved fish in the kitchen.

So rude.

We have someone at work who digs into people's yogurts

and steals the fruit from the bottom.

Is there a problem here?

They think Jay stole the prescription pads.

I said she was nice and would never do that.

Well, Jay didn't steal the pads,

so thanks for stopping by.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, somebody calling themselves

"the Pharmacist" stole that prescription pad.

And I have reason to believe that same someone

used the botulinum toxin to poison Sam Hodges.

Well, we can't really be sure they're connected.

Wait, we can't? Did you just say "can't"?

I done told you about can't, right?

It's negative.

Can't you can every now and then?

I can.

Well, you can't a lot more than you can.

I don't really know what you're saying,

- and Asta is gone now. - What?

What? Asta!

Damn it. Asta!

Get back inhey!

Hey, Asta!

Hey, you better put that shit in park.

You see this badge? What the hell you doing?

Hey, listen to me, damn it. This is a big deal, all right?

- Those pads are like gold. - You think I don't know that?

Look, I know you like Jay,

but she goes to the same school as the pill popper,

and she works at the clinic.

Now, if it wasn't her, then who then?

Who else at the clinic might have done it?

It wasn't Jay.

Looks like somebody wants to dance?

Okay, no dancing today. Some other time.

Hey, Sheriff, I just want to say thank you again

for the update on the murder investigation.

You're doing really great work.

You know, that theory about the insulin bottles

being a possible method of delivery is genius.

Thank you, Mayor.

I've been busting my ass on this one.

Yeah, me too.

I have been busting my ass so much.

Like, real busy busting the old hump,

so.

Okay, good, good.

Why you acting all weird?

Come on. We got a murder to solve.

Now it's we, great.

This is my fault.

I should have destroyed my ship,

but I wanted to keep it so I could get home.

Now they have it. What do I have?

Nothing.

Just this stupid human body

with two useless nipples that don't even produce milk.

No, is that why I haven't found my device yet?

If they have my ship, maybe they have my device too.

As I was allowing myself to feel my feelings,

I couldn't help but wonder.

How do humans deal with failure?

The answer came to me in one simple word

medication.

I feel better already.