Witless

Wait, you're saying we need to go into witness protection?

SHE GASPS This is nice.

And it's bang in the centre of Swindon.

Look, I've got a job for yous, ain't I?

There's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.

Need taking out.

Have you come courting?

You became a man today.

Respect.

No, I don't want money.

Just a bit of help... Sergeant.

Normally, when I'm out and about,

someone - and I've timed this -

someone will stop me roughly every 14 minutes and say,

"Hey, John, how about a selfie?", or

"Hey, John, how about tickets for the rugby?"

The answer to that, by the way, is no.

If you want to go to the internationals,

join your local club and get involved in grass-roots sport.

Well, today, I took a brisk-ish

45-minute walk into the studio

and not one person batted an eyelid.

Why? Well, because, as you can see, I've grown a "goatee".

Now, in week one of witpro,

a lot of people think they have to shave their heads,

or dye their eyebrows purple.

Relax, you don't need to go to extremes.

Small, subtle changes are often the most effective.

If you part your hair to the right, part it to the left.

If you're normally clean-shaven,

what about a five o'clock shadow?

And don't forget to think about your surroundings.

Is this a blazer and tie environment

or is it more old lacrosse sweater

and trackie bum-bums?

Remember, the aim of the game is to blend in.

Why don't you just fuck off, Jackie?

Hell, I'll give you fuck off!

Pay your electric, then you can tell me to fuck off.

All right?

Costs nothing to smile, you stuck-up bitch.

Ta-da! What're you doing?

Now, don't panic.

I've not spent a fortune.

Yeah, I believe it.

Dandelions in a yoghurt pot

are an inexpensive alternative to costly petrol station flowers.

This feature wall...

is Christmas wrapping paper.

An absolute steal at this time of year.

And I LOVE these balloons.

They just say, "Who cares?

"Let's dance barefoot."

Right? Right.

Hey, have you noticed some of the neighbours are a little bit...?

Well, a bit lively.

What do you mean?

Well, like that lady who stands in her doorway, smoking.

Little bit in-your-face.

Who, Jackie? Yeah.

No, she's lovely.

Now...

..what do you think?

I THINK that's the knackered office chair

I've seen in the skip outside for the past three days.

It's shabby chic.

SHE SCREAMS

There's nothing to see here, son.

Body's gone.

Went days ago.

Did she...

have any family?

I wouldn't know about that. Now, go on. On your way.

Who did you come to Christmas last then, eh?

Asking for 200 quid.

And who gave it you and has not had it back yet, eh?

Oh, fuck off! Hiya, Jackie.

All right, Mystique, love. I'm just nipping to Costcutters.

Do you want me to get you a scratchcard?

Oh, no, you're all right, love.

Oh, piss off.

Go on, then. Get us 15...

and get one for yourself.

Hey, get the champagne ready. SHE GIGGLES

Oh, here she is, look.

Dictionary Corner.

Oh, you think you're so much better than us, don't you?

What are you doing on our estate anyway?

Who the fuck are you?!

Right, Leanne, I'm worried.

Don't be. All this paint was totally free,

because it might contain dangerous levels of lead.

Well, I might be willing to take those odds.

No, no, it's not that...

By the way, don't put any of that in my room.

..I'm worried that I'm sticking out too much on the estate.

People seem to be reacting badly to me and...

I'm worried that I'm drawing attention to myself.

I'm glad you've come to me about this, Rhons.

So, I was thinking...

I could shave off my eyebrows

and draw them on with eyeliner pencil...

and maybe carry a bottle of Newkie Brown with me wherever I go?

I mean, I wouldn't have to drink it,

just always be holding it.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Accent coaching.

Hmm? We need to workshop your accent.

Nothing major, just a few little tweaks

to make you sound a bit more like

you were allowed to watch TV as a child.

I was allowed to watch TV as a child.

I was allowed to watch Blue Peter.

Now, in your own time.

Just your normal voice.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Nice weather we're having, isn't it?

Telly said it was going to piss it down.

Great start.

OK, um...

you've got a very rigid top palate.

It's fine, it's just something we're going to have to work with.

Er-r-r-r.

A-a-a-ah.

A-a-a-ah.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Eh, eh, eh.

Country supper.

Country supper.

Nigh, needy, Netanyahu.

Nigh, needy, Netanyahu.

Imagine you've got a mouthful of marbles.

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

No, less marbles.

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

One big marble.

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

Yes.

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

Now, soften that "wuh".

Wuh.

No, soften the "wuh".

What do you mean, "Soften the wuh?" Yes, that's it! Oh!

Nice weather.

Yes. Nice weather!

Throw it away. Nice weather.

Ha, yes!

OK, you're ready.

Are you sure? Definitely.

I actually think, for the first time, I'm hearing Sarah Penn.

Do you know what? I was actually cast as Bo Peep in my school play

and I don't think it was just because

they knew my mum could handle the costumes. It's time to shine, Rhons.

Let's go say hi to Jackie.

Hiya, Jackie.

All right?

Nice weather we're having.

Telly said it were going to piss it down.

What?

Nice weather we're having.

Telly said it were going to piss it down.

Are you taking the piss?

Sorry, Jackie, love.

You've not been introduced to Sarah,

so, you weren't to know.

Sarah's deaf.

Oh, luvvie!

Oh, fucking hell.

I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

That's all right, I should have said.

I would never...

I would never say anything to hurt a deafie.

That's all right, Sarah don't mind.

You're all right, aren't you, Saz?

Oh, fucking hell!

God bless her.

Now, listen to me...

Can she understand me?

Translate.

I don't care what anyone says,

you've got every right to walk these streets.

God bless you, you poor bastard.

Oh, she's beautiful, ain't she?

Can you tell her she's beautiful?

Fag? I'm all right, Jackie.

Come on, Sarah.

SHE COOS

Come on, come on.

Careful!

Oh, my God!

Do you know what I think it was?

The "wuh" sound.

You didn't soften the "wuh".

You told her I was deaf.

Even by your standards...

Look, I'm sorry, I am not going along with this.

I am not pretending to be deaf.

It's just wrong. Look, Rhona, if you'd asked me this morning

did I want you to have to pretend to be a deaf-mute,

I would have said, "No, course not," but that's how it's gone.