Guess Who

Okay, let me see.

"Girl, I love--" No, no.

"Girl, I love your--" No, that ain't it, that ain't it.

"Girl, I love your style.

I love it when you get that smile.

You should be in a magazine because you're a queen.

Our love is everything."

Percy.

-Not right now. I'm busy. -Percy, you got a girl in there?

Percy. Percy.

What kind of question is that, "Got a woman in here?"

I didn't know. I heard you talking.

-I'm in here doing my vows. -Vow?

Yeah, man, for this ridiculous party, man, my wife is losing her mind over.

Reggie, this extravaganza is costing me a lot of money.

Now she wants us to renew our vows.

What's wrong with what I said the first time? What's wrong with "I do"?

-I did, didn't I? -You did.

-Women, boy. -I know. Women is a whole other--

Okay. But you know what, Mr. Jones?

It's cool that you're just doing the lyrics from that song.

-I wrote this on the way to work. -You wrote that?

-Yeah. -Was you listening to the radio...

...when you wrote it? It's B2K, Mr. Jones.

Okay, then. If this is to a song, tell me what the next line is.

Well, it's....

Baby, turn around And let me see that sexy body go

Bump, bump, bump

That's it, yeah.

Reggie.

See your sexy smile And bump, bump

-Three bumps. -Three bumps.

See your sexy smile and bump

See your sexy smile and you--

Hey, boss, is Theresa bringing a new boyfriend to your anniversary party?

Yep.

What? I'm fine with it.

-So you've met him? -Nope.

Pulled his credit report.

-You didn't. -I sure as hell did.

This young brother is a stockbroker for JP Oliver.

Theresa? I don't believe it.

Marilyn says she's crazy about him. And this boy's credit report?

I'm telling you, it's a thing of beauty. I almost cried.

-This guy sounds too good to be true. -Probably is.

But the brother has a job.

-That's right, my friend, a J-O-B. -But I quit.

-I quit. -Simon, calm down.

I'm just trying to explain to you how the world works.

-It's the clients. I'm just explaining-- -None of my clients seem to care.

-This guy didn't seem to care, did he? -Come on. Don't be so sensitive.

It's not how the world works. It's how your world works.

Simon, sit down. Simon!

All right, I'm on it.

Jerk.

I don't need you, Nathan!

I don't need JP Oliver.

My résumé is good enough.

I can get a job anywhere that I want. I'm out of here.

Oh, man. I'm not gonna freak out. I'm not gonna freak out.

Oh, what am I gonna tell Theresa? What am I gonna tell her?

"Baby, you know how you're always saying...

...I'm at the office too much? Well, great news!"

I'll meet my future father-in-law and tell him I'm unemployed. Great!

Okay, I'll get the next one.

I can't quit my job!

-I'm not gonna beg! -Twenty bucks says he goes back.

-I'll take some of that. -Oh, my God! I just quit my job.

I don't need this job. No, no.

Here he comes.

-Hi. -Have a good one.

-Hello. Liz, Simon Green here. -Simon. What's up?

Every investment I've made in the last six months.

Listen, that job you offered me.

-Tell me it's still open. -Why? What happened?

I'll tell you later. Can you talk to Bartlett for me?

Are you kidding? I'm e-mailing him right now.

When he finds out you asked about this, he is gonna go nuts.

Thank you.

Theresa? Baby?

Hey.

You're home early.

-Yeah. -Really early.

-Got out of there quick. -Good. Come on, help me with these.

What do we got?

Tumi?

That's nice.

-When did we get this? -Got them today.

Combined income, huh?

Bling bling, baby!

Yeah, bling bling.

Baby....

You should have heard Dad on the phone...

...when I told him that you work for JP Oliver.

I feel like he's more in love with you than I am.

-Really? -Yeah, you don't understand.

Ever since I can remember...

...his whole thing has been about, "Theresa, does that boy have a job?"

-It's a good thing I do, then, huh? -I know!

I'm so excited. Aren't you excited?

Theresa, a man is never excited about meeting his future father-in-law.

You know, I was thinking. Maybe we should postpone telling him.

-What? It was your idea. -I know.

I'm thinking now that maybe it was a bad idea.

No, I think it's a great idea.

Announcing our engagement at my parents' party...

...is gonna be the best present we can give them.

Babe, Mom's gonna flip.

Yeah, see, I'm not worried about your mom, I was thinking about....

About him.

Yeah. See, he's about ready to pop a blood vessel...

...because you guys are losing a basketball game.

No, no, no. We were winning that game.

Yeah.

We're bringing in a canopy here, swags of tulle with festoons...

...sprays of roses, parquet dance floor here, guests will be seated...

...at tables in Chiavari chairs. Very clean, very simple, very elegant.

And rose petals on the lawn, and not just a few.

Oodles. At my wedding, we had oodles of petals, it was fabulous.

At that wedding, was a woman involved?

Of course. If she's not a woman, it's gonna be a surprise to both of us.

-Hello! -Look--

I'll tell you, this is gonna be some party, Mr. Jones.

-Twenty-five years of marriage. -Thank you.

-More power to you, pal. -Thank you.

-Hey. -Hey, baby.

Sorry I'm late. My vice principal called in sick today...

...so it was just me against 208 middle-schoolers.

I swear half of them ate pure sugar for breakfast.

Hi, Dante.

So, Percy, which one do you like best?

-I like that-- -Is your name Percy?

-Which cost the most? -They cost the same.

-They don't. -This is from Saks...

-...this one's from Macy's. -Saks.

Thank you. Now I can give an honest opinion.

-I'm digging that one, baby. -Really?

Well, that's too bad, because I'm wearing this one.

Hallelujah.

-Sweetheart. -Yeah?

Listen. Marilyn, why you even bother asking me?

Because it's a big day for us and I wanted you to feel included.

Why couldn't you include me without the super freak?

Dante is a nice man.

A nice man.

A nice man that part of the time likes to sleep with other nice men.

Stop it. Would you open your mind, Percy Jones? Dante is a metrosexual.

-A what? -He's a straight man with taste.

Ain't no such thing. Might as well tell me he rode over on a unicorn.

Look, serious face, serious moment. I need to talk to you.

I know. I'm working on my vows. I almost got them perfect.

-Oh, that's sweet. But that's not it. -What is it?

This boy that Theresa's bringing home, I don't know who his people are...

...I don't know where he's from, I don't know anything about him.

But what I do know, Percy, is that...

-...I need you to be nice. -I'm always nice.

Well, let's be nice long enough to find out who the boy is.

I already know who he is.

-You pulled his credit report? -I did not.

You pulled his credit report, Percy?

I mean, I glanced at it, yeah.

But a credit report don't tell the character of a man.

But being a loan officer for 22 years, I can size that boy up in an instant.

And you know I got a knack for it. You know that.

Five seconds. That's all I need.

That's all I need.

-Nobody knows that better than me. -Say what?

I didn't stutter.

I'm not so good with dads, baby.

I'm good with moms. I'm better with moms.

He's a big guy, right?

Scary big. He also has these piercing eyes that just burn right into your soul.

Just don't maintain eye contact for a long time, at least today, okay?

Babe, I'm kidding.

Just relax. It's gonna be fun. Okay?

-Did you tell them? -What? Tell them what?

-Babe, don't-- The-- -What?

-Did you--? -Cute, clean-shaven, what?

Pigment-challenged. Did you tell them I'm white?

You're white?

You're white? Stop the car!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look at what you--

Oh, my God! Simon, I'm so sorry.

-It was a joke, sir, I was kidding. -Yeah, sister, you funny.

Simon, Simon, are you okay?

-Who are you? -Are you serious?

Why am I in Jersey?

Simon.

Stop.

-Don't worry, it's gonna be great, okay? -All right.

I'm very sorry. I'm sorry. It was a bad joke.

-So did you tell them? -No.

I only told them the important things, okay?

That I love you, that you're an amazing man...

...that you have a very cute birthmark on your left butt cheek.

You just didn't feel the need to mention that it's a Caucasian butt cheek.

Simon, look. I didn't mention it, because I don't think it's gonna matter.

Oh, it's gonna matter. It's gonna matter.

We're fine, sir.

Dad!