What We Do in the Shadows

One, two, three, four pillows on couch.

What are they doing now? What did I miss?

- Hey! - Get out of the way.

Nothing. They are not home yet.

We recently discovered, besides our neighbors

Sean and Charmaine on that side of the house,

we also have neighbors on this side.

Can you imagine? More neighbors.

It was a stroke of blind luck we discovered we even had a window

on this side of the house.

This side of the house.

Dear Guide, every time I call you,

I lose my nerves like a chicken for the slaughter.

I was-- Oh.

Oh, shit.

We have a window. It's a... It's a house.

Hey. Ooh. Oh, sh...

And now we are using that window to spy on the neighbors.

Why are they not home yet?

Have you guys seen my phone anywhere?

Not now, Guillermo. We are spying on the neighbors.

- Why? - Look.

They're home. They're home. They're home.

What's this shit? When did old bald guy grow hair?

What?

They're not even wearing the same clothes they left in this morning.

- Are they in disguise? - And somehow looking 30 years younger.

So yeah, the house next door is very obviously an Airbnb.

I guess I never taught them what-- No, you know what? I did. I did.

They probably weren't listening.

Oh, no.

That house belongs to shape-shifters.

- Fuck. - You're kidding me, right?

Shape-shifters are extremely freaky.

They're awful, abhorrent creatures that use the most ancient of sorcery

to transform into whatever murderous, all-powerful shape

their wicked hearts desire.

And now they have infiltrated our street.

I have had horrible experiences with shape-shifters in the past.

I was once in a relationship with a woman for four years

who then transformed into a possum.

I stayed with her for six more months, but then I just had to end it.

This is a fucking nightmare.

- It's just an Airbnb. - Shut up, Guillermo.

Recently, I've been beset

by the most strange and eerie feeling.

A chill down my spine.

A weight on my shoulders.

The most ethereal sounds coming from absolutely nowhere.

Like that. Did you hear that?

Actually, that was just me breaking wind.

But these macabre sounds are very similar.

My wife Nadja thinks they might be ghosts,

but I'm not so sure.

- Oh, shit! - Shit. Did the summoning work?

So it did.

Ah. Aha!

Hello, my son. It's me, Papa.

Fuck off.

Laszlo. Laszlo!

- Oh... - No fucking way.

I see the grumpy fellow hasn't changed a lick.

Well, what a lovely sight you are.

- Oh. - Roderick Cravensworth.

Is it really you? Laszlo's father?

Well, if the tit fits the cup.

- Definitely family, then. - Yes.

And you must be his ethnic mistress.

Yes, that is how it started. But I am actually now very much his wife.

We have been married for many hundreds of years.

How much I have missed.

What a divine pleasure it is to make your acquaintance.

Oh... Oh.

- Um, trying to get the kerchief. - This is a perennial ghost issue.

So I have to ask,

- what's your unfinished business? - Yes.

Well, my tiny lady, I'm here to repair my long-troubled relationship with Laszlo.

Yes, he may be a vampire and I a spirit, but we will always be, above all else,

father and son.

- Aw... - Yes, we love that.

So sweet.

- Oh. Hello. - Oh, yes.

What are these contraptions?

Oh, uh, these are camera machines. They take your portrait.

Ah, yes, you have to keep very still.

Um...

Anyone else notice the ghost, or is it just me?

- Come on, Laszlo. Just introduce him. - All right.

Attention, everybody.

May I introduce you to a man who has gone by many names.

- The Whispering Swordsman. - Mmm.

Scurrilous Bob. The Barkham Bone Digger. The Marquess of Manchester.

- Nice. Huh. - The Black Finger.

- And lastly, my father... - Nice.

...Lord Roderick Cravensworth.

- You forgot one sobriquet. - Oh?

The Night Dog of Tresco. But that was most of them.

I'm delighted to meet all of my beloved son's roommates.

Although I did think perhaps he would have had his own place by now,

but what do I know?

Let me ask you, sir. How did you get all those dope nicknames?

The finest man I ever knew bestowed most of those monikers upon me.

That is, soon after he saved my life in deepest Sumatra.

Oh, wow. And what was his name?

I can't remember. I think it was Glen or something.

- Glen. - And who might this,

uh, taciturn fellow be?

Get up.

This, Father, is my greatest creation to date.

I call him Cravensworth's Monster.

Now, as you can see, I've created a man by reanimating dead human flesh.

Surpassing any of your own scientific experiments.

No, I tried it, but it didn't work.

I just ended up with a dead body with lots of bits stuck together.

I didn't reanimate it.

I sewed the body bits together, but I didn't do the reanimation.

So, well done. Yes.

Although, not the most comely of fellows. Perhaps he takes after his creator.

Hey.

- Very good. - I would love a tour

of Château de Cravensworth.

Really? Well, it's a pity that because we're very busy right now.

Actually, Night Dog of Tresco,

I would love to show you around our humble abode.

Fantástico . Lead on, squire.

- Out here is what we call the foyer. - Very good.

- What a fun guy. - So charming.

- Love him. - What? He's not fun.

- He's pretty fun. - You've been beguiled

by his wicked charms.

The only reason he has come back here is to make amends with you.

Why don't you give him a chance?

My darling, that man is never to be trusted.

Never.

His silver tongue is as sharp as the ivory paddle

that he used to bring down across my bare backside.

He would spank me in front of the polo horses.

He'd give them a right show.

My bare backside out in the wind for all to see.

How everyone would laugh

as that paddle would come down hard across my bare backside.

"Arms out, head forward, be a good boy."

It would come down again.

Again and again and again.

Are you okay?

Forgive me. I'm not quite myself.

Uh, I thought you quite liked being spanked.

Oh, yeah.

I used to keep these in my room, but I ran out of space,

so I had to move 'em up here.

You'll see why in a second.

- Ta-da. - What an impressive collection

- of detailed maquettes. - Really?

Most people don't give a flying F to the moon about my Funko army.

No, I think they're enchanting.

And who is this bewitching bonita ?

Oh, well, you have really good taste.

That is Lizzo. And it's a rare one because she's holding the flute.

This one's also Lizzo.

This one she's holding her purse, but this one she's holding the flute.

Geez, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm probably boring you to death--

No, no. Please, please.

I could listen to you extemporize on these plastic things for hours, my boy.

Get your ghost hand off him, Father.

Enough of the soft-shoe.

Reveal your game or suffer the consequences.

Now, now. Calm down, my bubbly boy.

Yeah?

What's that in your hands?

- What? This? - Yes.

It's a spirit catcher of my own invention.

From the last time we had a ghost infestation.

Yeah. It also coincided with me showing him Ghostbusters II ,

and a week later, he "came up" with that device.

It was a parallel thought.

Well, I for one am fascinated by it.

Do tell me about this divine device, my cherubic Fibonacci.

Well, it is quite interesting.

- It's a atomic vacuum modified by myself. - Atomic?

- I added the blunderbuss. - Blunderbuss?

Yep. And as you can see,

I've housed everything into a large carriage clock.

- That is stupendous. - Isn't it just?

And, uh, I used this from one of Nadja's old...

- Mmm. Yes. - ...dresses.

You can get fucked.

I'm onto you. You only flatter when you want something.

Well, you got five seconds before I suck you to kingdom come.

The last time I heard that was on my penultimate visit to the cunny pot.

Cunny pot.

I didn't even hear it, but I know it was funny.

It was really funny. It's good.

Ah. Fleet of foot. Yes. His usual trick.

Show yourself, you bastard.

Look at these two. Cooking dinner.

- Please, as if. - Bullshit.

What are these shape-shifting sons of bitches planning?

Um, Airbnb shouldn't even be that hard of a concept to wrap your head around.

Will you shut the fuck up, Guillermo?

- Yes. - Okay.