Modern Family

We got some bad news yesterday.

Phil's mom died. It wasn't unexpected.

He was with her and she went very peacefully in her sleep.

She and I had a special connection.

- We all did. - But mostly me.

She said I was just like her.

Was she weirdly competitive too?

The whole family is going down to Florida

To be with phil for the service.

Such a relief.

I can feel how much he needs me right now.

There they are.

Hey, guys.

Oh, you brought my neck pillow.

I missed you so much.

Phil, I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Grace was such a kind and whimsical soul.

The different animals she put antlers on for Christmas cards--

inspired.

Not a single one was photoshopped.

- Not even the alligator? - Cost her the tip of her pinkie,

- but she had no regrets. - Oh!

I'm so glad you guys are here.

I hope it wasn't too hard to get away from work.

No. Please, anything for family.

Anything to get me out of that office.

Ugh! It's all boring paperwork and endless meetings.

Honestly, this funeral could not have come at a better time.

Aw, that's sweet. You should put that on the flowers.

Gloria, you must be so hot in that.

I am in mourning. In Colombia, we take death very seriously.

Where don't they?

Can we lose the veil? Nobody's looking for you, Gloria.

Who is Gloria?

I am a wanted woman in Florida.

I used to live there, and when I left,

my roommate made our apartment into a house of prostitution,

and my name was still on the lease.

It's like a traffic ticket.

You walk into court, pay a fine, it's done.

Quick and easy.

Yes, that was the name of the whorehouse.

Mitchell, can you go with her to court?

She's gonna need some sort of lawyer.

Uh, you know, Jay, Mitchell is so burnt out right now.

He is in desperate need of a break.

Bench warrants are a no-brainer. And, I mean, come on.

Does Gloria really look like the kind of woman

who would run a brothel?

- Yeah, I better go with her. - You should go.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

There they are!

- Hey. - Hi.

Oh, you look beautiful. Hi, Claire.

How are you holding on, hmm?

Oh, well, you know...

We're getting through it. Huh, dad?

Ah. I'm doing okay. A little trouble sleeping.

I'm so used to her snoring,

I may have to borrow the neighbor's bulldog.

Morning, Charlotte!

This is my family from California!

I can tell. They all look like movie stars.

Ah. Oh, thank you.

That's nuts. I know that woman, but I have no idea from where.

Yeah. This place is full of stories like that.

Good morning, Mr. Dunphy, visitors.

- Please, Shelley, call me Frank. - No, sir.

That might be the way they do things at Whistling Pines,

but we run a tight ship here at Leisure Park.

As per your request, I have reserved

the lakeside promenade this evening for one hour,

beginning at 5:00 P.M., for your memorial service.

May I remind you that there's no smoking on the grounds,

no glass near the lake, no feeding the ducks?

And I'm sorry for your loss.

- Thank you. - No feeding the ducks.

What are you looking at me for?

I love it here--

manicured lawns,

planned activities, early dinners.

What more does a kid need?

Oh, yeah. And everyone's so polite and considerate--

nothing like the constant catfights in my circle,

where every week,

somebody's mad at somebody for God knows who what,

and I'm always thrown into the middle.

You seem tense. You know, they have a steam room.

- Wanna join me for a schvitz? - Please, it's Florida.

If I wanna sweat more, I'll just move my arms. You go have fun.

Hey, you.

Are you liking that book?

Well, it's not the worst thing I've picked up at an airport,

but close.

What is this,

a book club or a Miss America Pageant?

We're looking for our next book.

Oh, what are you reading now?

"Tempted by her innocent kiss."

I-I'm sure you don't know it.

Oh, please. Devon Carter was Ashley's first,

she wants their passion to last,

but her hopes of true love are crushed when she finds out

their marriage is just another one of daddy's business deals.

I'm gay.

Oh! My grandson is gay.

His name is Daniel Schulman. Uh, do you know him?

Oh! Is he about this tall, dark hair, circumcised?

Terrible.

Don't be nervous, all right?

I'll explain your situation.

We'll have you out of here in no time.

30 days in county jail.

What? Ooh, she's tough.

Next.

Anita Menchaca. Petty theft.

Si.

Mister, you're a lawyer? Help me, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm her lawyer.

No, no, help her, so this will go faster.

And she reminds me of my abuela,

with her head scarf and her petty theft charges.

Here, your honor.

I'm Mitchell Pritchett, attorney to Miss Manchego.

- Menchaca. - Ah, yeah...

Are you ready to enter a plea?

Absolutely.

I see no reason why this matter should

take up any more of the court's valuable time.

Not guilty, your honor.

Why?

Gonna need a minute.

Look what my dad just gave me.

Please tell me that's not your mom.

No, no. She picked out her own urn.

My dad keeps saying

it's a size too small but she squeezed into it.

No, this is stuff she left for the kids.

- Can I... open it? - Yeah.

Wow. There's a note for you.

I can't read it.

- Okay. - Would you?

All right.

"Dear Phil,

"you've always been the most wonderful son,

and now I need you to do one last thing for me."

Oh, no!

She's gonna ask me to throw her ashes in the Pope's face.

"Don't say anything to your father

"because he'll just resist,

"but there's a woman named Annie Fitzsimmons

"who lives a few streets over.

"We don't know her very well, but I've always admired her,

"and I think she'd be perfect for your dad.

So before you go home, I want you to fix him up with her."

That is crazy!

"I know this sounds crazy,

"but single men are in short supply here.

"And a lot of scheming harpies will swoop in

"before your father knows what hit him.

I love Frank, but he'll follow anything with a casserole."

I don't believe this.

It's too soon, and my dad's not a cartoon bear.

He's perfectly capable of making intelligent decisions.

Hey, guys? I made cookies.

Oh, good. I thought that was a neighbor.

Hey, kids, your grandma left each of you something.

Cool! Rockports!

It's just the box.

Oh, my God. There's a letter.

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Although if grandma wrote it,

she must have sensed I was ready.

Because you had such a bond?

You felt it, too?

Haley, why don't you tell us what yours says?

Well, it's so sweet.

It's about how beautiful I am inside and--

score! Jewelry

Whoa! Check it out!

Oh, look at that.

Your grandma loved pocket watches.

- Aw! - She said they made a man look dignified.

Is this chain in case you swallow it?

No, but suddenly I'm glad it's there.

- A lighter? - Huh. What does the note say?

"This is a lighter."

I don't understand.

How much clearer could she have been?

I wouldn't read too much into it.

Your grandma loved you very much.

She just did a couple of bizarre things towards the end.

Here, Alex, I can help you out with that.

You are getting very sleepy.

A crappy old lighter is not a sucky gift.

Honey, hey, hey. So you're not gonna do what your mom asked?

Marry off my dad to a complete stranger

on the day of her funeral? I think not.

It was her last wish.