Ash vs Evil Dead

*

I got a plan for Baal.

I'm going to find him, take my chainsaw,

shove it right up his ass.

The book,

it did something to me.

It feels like something inside of me

that's trying to come out.

Pablo, you're our only hope of stopping Baal.

Hey, quit fucking around.

Find the spell we need to send this asshole home.

You slayed that shit.

You did it, Pablo!

**

* Oh, I just died in your arms... *

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I know what you're all saying.

Ash Williams, saved everybody.

Yep, probably going to have a statue made,

and a parade in my honor.

You know what?

I'd give it all up,

just to have my little Mexican buddy back.

Oh, my, my Honduran- Mexican buddy back.

Here's to you. Oh yeah.

Nothing helps, does it?

Of course, you don't answer. Whoops.

Because you're dead!

* I just died in your arms tonight... *

This is bullshit.

Pablo didn't have to die.

I should've saved him.

You couldn't have.

It was the only way.

Everybody dies.

Yeah, easy for you to say.

Pablo's entire lifespan measured about a second,

compared to yours.

Didn't he make that second count?

In defeating Baal, he achieved more than I did

in thousands of years.

Oh man, you can really taste the angel dust.

Ah, but no matter how baked I get,

you're still gone, buddy.

Man, I wish I could just go back in time,

and undo all this.

So just do it.

Hey. Hey.

"Do it?" Do what?

If you could go back in time,

and change one moment in your life,

what would it be?

Oh, no brainer.

The moment I picked up the stupid book at the cabin.

So just change it.

Make sure you never, ever pick up that book.

Like ever.

That's a good one.

How?

Do exactly what you said.

Go back in time, and undo all this.

Of course! I've done it before.

I went to the Middle Ages. Yeah.

And I can go back in time, change history,

fix all this, and you'll be alive again, Pablo.

Get in the car!

Okay, I need you to read this, right now.

Absolutely not.

Too risky. Read it.

Ash, even if it works, we could damage so much more

than we can fix.

Hey guys, can you stop speaking in code,

and tell me what the fuck you're talking about?

I'll do you one better. I'll show you.

Ash, you're upset.

You should not be behind the wheel of a car.

Yes, I'm upset.

Yes, I'm behind the wheel.

Yes, I'm drunk.

And maybe my license isn't the fancy kind

from the DMV.

But at least I'm drunk!

Now you better read that spell right now,

or we're all going to meet Pablo!

Ash, stop the fucking car!

Just do what he says!

He's thinking even less than usual!

She's doing it! Stop the fucking car!

She's reading it!

Not until she's done!

Linda, I'm going to fix everything,

and come back for you!

Hey, if Linda didn't hear that,

could someone please tell her?!

Car wash!

What the actual fuck?

Welcome to the 80s, kid.

We're in the 80s?

As in the 1980s?

1982. Come on, Kelly. Keep up.

But... how?

There are infinite timelines,

and always a primary "present" you,

which remains constant, but the Necronomicon--

Boring. I'd like the explanation.

Okay look, if young me never reads from that book,

then evil will not plague my life,

and Pablo will be alive again.

That's all you have to understand.

He's right. Course I am.

Wait a minute.

My dad's around here.

I got to see the old bird.

Don't you dare.

That kind of interaction could cause

profound causality paradoxes.

Think about it.

I know the sports scores for 30 years.

No. Jeez.

Okay, so, now that we've time travelled,

we just go back to the cabin to snatch the book

before young Ash can read from it.

And that's all we do. Got it?

I'm just saying this is the year the Lions got in the playoffs

with a losing record.

We can make some serious scratch.

No.

Wow.

Wh- where, where--

Oh. How- how--

Don't worry about it, pal.

Here you go.

That'll help you forget that you just saw a car

drive through a time portal from the future.

No, no, I can't drink.

My family has a history-- Come on.

One little nip.

Your life will be exactly the same.

Come on. Let's change history.

Ha!

* Don't stop believin'...

Come on. Come on.

Out of the way, Safety Boy!

Whoa!

Hey! * Streetlights

* People

* Don't stop believin'...

* Hold on

* Streetlights *

* People *

* Don't stop *

Now don't you worry, my little burrito.

You'll be safe in this trunk while we change history,

and bring you back to life.

Kelly, got the letter I wrote?

"Don't panic. It's 1982.

"We're in the cabin.

"If your..."

no apostrophe... "reading this, you're not dead.

"P.S., you were dead."

Perfect.

All right. Dude, how are you smiling?

Pablo's dead. Because this is temporary.

Because I came up with a sweet plan to get him back?

As sweet as your plan that got him killed

in the first place?

Hey, that plan worked.

We defeated Baal.

And this plan's going to--

No.

No.

I haven't been to the cabin yet.

I haven't read from the book.

This can't be happening.

Apparently it can.

Run!

Still got it.

Oh, hell.

My evil mistress in the woods.

This is going to be our last tango.

And this time,

you're going to follow my lead, biotch.

Okay, book, book, book.

Who's got the--

Wait a minute.

I thought it was here.

Or did I find it in the cellar?

With Scott-- ?

Oh!

Oh, you.

Okay, Ash. It's just a stupid nail.

Stay focused.

I'm checking you last.

Ash!

I swear, he's like a superhero,

whose special power is "ruining everything."

As much as it pains me to say it,

he's proven himself to be inexplicably "effective."

I'm guessing that English is your second or third language

next to Sumerian, or she-devil or whatever...