South Park

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S 2.8 CENTIMETERS.

SHOULD GIVE US A DRAG OF ONLY...

.6 MILLISECONDS.

HOLD THE FRONT HERE, STAN.

HEY, GUYS, 00 A.M.

WE KNOW !

WELL, IT'S WAY PAST TIME FOR BED.

SHARON, STAN'S PINEWOOD DERBY RACE IS TOMORROW.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO HIM ?!

STAN IS NOT GONNA LOSE

TO THE GODDAMN HOLLISES AGAIN !

WELL, IT'S JUST A BLOCK OF WOOD AND SOME WHEELS.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S THAT MUCH MORE YOU CAN DO WITH IT.

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A CHICK !

NOW JUST LEAVE US ALONE !

DON'T WORRY, SON.

THE HOLLISES ARE NOT BEATING US THIS YEAR.

I WENT AND GOT SOMETHING TO PUT INSIDE OUR CAR

AND MAKE IT GO EXTRA FAST.

DAD, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADD ANYTHING TO THE CAR

THAT DOESN'T COME IN THE APPROVED KIT, REMEMBER ?

STAN, HOW DO YOU THINK THE HOLLISES BEAT US EVERY YEAR ?

I'M SURE THEY PUT LEAD IN THE WOOD OR SOMETHING.

WE'RE JUST LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD.

THERE. WHAT IS THAT ?

IT'S-- IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.

TOM, I'M STANDING OUTSIDE

THE HADRON PARTICLE SUPER COLLIDER IN SWITZERLAND,

WHERE AUTHORITIES ARE SHOCKED

AND BAFFLED OVER THE THEFT

OF A SUPERCONDUCTING BENDING MAGNET

CREATED FOR USE IN TESTS WITH PARTICLE ACCELERATION.

OH, NO, HE DIDN'T.

THE SUPERCONDUCTING MAGNET WAS STOLEN SOMETIME LAST WEEK.

SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS WERE ABLE TO RECORD THE THEFT ON TAPE

AND POLICE ARE NOW LOOKING FOR

PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA OF ALDERAAN.

CAUGHT HERE IN THESE PHOTOS, THE TROUBLED REBEL PRINCESS

IS SEEN TAKING THE SUPERCONDUCTING MAGNET

AND THEN APPEARING DISORIENTED

AS SHE TRIES TO FIND HER WAY OUT.

IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION OF PRINCESS LEIA'S WHEREABOUTS

PLEASE CALL YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT.

ALL RIGHT, SCOUTS AND DADS, THE RACING CONTINUES.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE OUR NEXT HEAT IS READY TO GO

IN THREE, TWO, ONE-- RACE !

2.1 SECONDS FOR TOMMY BRETZ !

LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A NEW LEADER, FOLKS !

ALL RIGHT ! ALL RIGHT !

ALL RIGHT, STAN, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO CHECK IN

AND HAVE OUR CAR INSPECTED TO QUALIFY.

NOW, SON, DADDY NEEDS TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING

VERY IMPORTANT ABOUT "TELLS."

TELLS ?

WHEN YOU TELL THEM YOU ONLY USED THE APPROVED KIT,

DON'T LOOK UP AND AWAY,

DON'T RUB YOUR NECK AND DON'T TOUCH YOUR EAR.

OTHERWISE, THEY'LL KNOW YOU'RE LYING TO THEM, ALL RIGHT ?

WHENEVER YOU NEED TO LIE, JUST DON'T LOOK UP AND AWAY,

RUB YOUR NECK OR TOUCH YOUR EAR.

DAD, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TAKE OUT THE THING

YOU PUT IN THE CAR--

SON, YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO LIE CORRECTLY SOME DAY,

MIGHT AS WELL BE TODAY, ALL RIGHT ?

I LOVE YOU, SON.

LOOKS GOOD.

THANK YOU AND GOOD LUCK TODAY.

ALL RIGHT NEXT, PLEASE.

NAME ?

IT'S, UH, MARSH.

ALL RIGHT, CAR WEIGHS IN AT 15 OUNCES.

DO YOU HEREBY SWEAR THAT YOU USED PARTS

IN THE OFFICIAL PINEWOOD DERBY KIT

AND ONLY PARTS IN THE OFFICIAL PINEWOOD DERBY KIT ?

YES, I DO. YES, I DO.

YES, I DO.

ALL RIGHT, YOUNG MAN, GOOD LUCK TODAY.

OOOH, YESSSSSSS !

WELL, WELL, LOOK, SON, IT'S THE MARSHES.

HEY, HOLLIS.

YOU GUYS RACE ALREADY ?

NO, LITTLE EMMETT HASN'T GONE YET.

THINK THEY'RE SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST.

CLOCKED HER IN AT HOME AT 1.5 SECONDS.

IT'S THE FASTEST CAR WE'VE EVER BUILT.

1.5 ?!

THE TIME TO BEAT IS 1.9 SECONDS.

MAY WE PLEASE HAVE...

BREWSTER, MARSH, JARVIS AND HOLLIS.

HUH.

ONLY FITTING OUR BOYS SHOULD BE GOING HEAD-TO-HEAD

FOR THEIR MATCH, HEY, MARSH ?

COME ON, STAN, YOU CAN DO THIS !

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, ARE YOU READY ?

HERE WE GO, LAST RACE FOR THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP IN

THREE... TWO... ONE...

GO !

YOU GOT IT, EMMETT !

OH, YEAH !

OH, YEAH !

SUCK ON THAT, HOLLIS !

THIS IS 9 NEWS AT TEN.

A COLORADO BOY AND HIS FATHER HAVE SET A NEW RECORD

AT THE PINEWOOD DERBY.

STAN AND RANDY MARSH NOT ONLY BROKE A SPEED RECORD,

BUT ACTUALLY APPEAR TO HAVE BENT TIME AND SPACE

AND DISCOVERED WARP SPEED.

A PARADE WAS HELD FOR THE WINNERS EARLIER TODAY.

AND ALREADY OFFERS FOR COMMERCIALS

AND ENDORSEMENT DEALS

FOR THE FATHER AND SON APPEAR TO BE POURING IN.

DAD, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I STILL LOVE YOU.

AHGHGGHGHGHGHGH !

HE'S OKAY, HE'S OKAY,

HE'S OKAY, HE'S OKAY, HE'S OKAY !

STAN MARSH ?

YEAH.

I'M AGENT CLARK AND THIS IS AGENT MARX.

WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR PINEWOOD DERBY CAR.

AW, CRAP.

DAD !

YOUNG MAN, WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO TELL YOU

IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY.

YESTERDAY, EVERY GOVERNMENT AND EMBASSY ON EARTH

WAS CONTACTED BY... AN ALIEN LIFE FORCE.

ALIEN ?

APPARENTLY, THE ALIEN CAME ACROSS YOUR PINEWOOD DERBY CAR

AND IT'S NOW HEADED TO OUR PLANET.

WHAT DOES IT WANT ?

WE BELIEVE THAT THEY INTEND TO WELCOME US

INTO THE GALACTIC FEDERATION OF PLANETS.

THEY WILL WANT TO MEET THE PEOPLE

WHO DISCOVERED WARP SPEED FOR OUR SPECIES.

STAN, DID YOU USE ALL THE DAMN TOILET PAPER AGAIN ?

OH, CRAP !

WHAT ?! WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT ?!

WE SAID WE ONLY USED WHAT WAS IN THE KIT !

YOU GOT NOTHING ON US !

YOU GOT NOTHING ON USSSSSS !

DAD, THEY AREN'T HERE FOR THAT !

OH.

HI, I'M RANDY MARSH.

MR. MARSH, WE WERE JUST TELLING YOUR SON

THAT THANKS TO YOU

WE HAVE MADE FIRST CONTACT WITH ALIEN LIFE.

WHAT ?!

HEY-- HEY, SHARON !

NASA HAS CONFIRMED THAT AN ALIEN SHIP

HAS ENTERED OUR SOLAR SYSTEM AND IS HEADED HERE.

SO GUESS WHAT.

OUR PINEWOOD DERBY CAR FOUND ALIEN LIFE IN SPACE.

WHAT ? OH, MY GOD !

YEAH, BUT I GUESS IT'S JUST A DUMB, LITTLE RACE

LIKE YOU SAID, HUH, SHARON ?

THE WORLD HOLDS ITS BREATH

AS AN ALIEN SHIP PREPARES TO LAND.

NOW THAT OUR PLANET HAS ACHIEVED WARP SPEED,

WE ARE ABOUT TO WELCOMED INTO THE UNIVERSAL SOCIETY,

ALL THANKS TO A FATHER AND SON WHO BROKE THE WARP BARRIER

USING ONLY THE PARTS IN THIS PINEWOOD DERBY CAR KIT.

MR. MARSH, YOU ARE ON WITH ALL THE WORLD LEADERS.

HELLO ?

GOD SPEED, MR. MARSH.

THE NATION OF FRANCE IS WITH YOU !

GOOD RUCK WIS ARIEN, MISSA MARSH !

PREASE SAY HARRO FROM-A CHINA !

UH, OKAY, OH, STAND BY.

I THINK IT'S-- I THINK IT'S LANDING.

OUR FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE

IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN.

WILL IT BE LIKE IN "STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT"

OR WILL IT BE MORE LIKE "CONTACT" WITH JODIE FOSTER ?

I SEEK THE LIFE FORMS THAT MADE THIS.

THAT'S OURS, MR. ALIEN.

WE ARE THE MARSHES, RANDY AND STAN.

OH, YEAH ?

YOU'RE GONNA BUILD ME ANOTHER ONE, SEE ?!

HE'S GOT A GUN !

EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND !

GET THOSE HANDS UP ! LET ME SEE THOSE HANDS !

DO IT NOW !

I MEAN IT, SHOW ME THOSE HANDS !

I'M BABY FARK MCGEE-ZAX !

THE GREATEST GANGSTER THIS UNIVERSE

HAS EVER SEEN, RIGHT ?!

YOU CAN'T THREATEN US !

HAP !

WHO WANTS IT NEXT, HUH ?!

ANYONE ELSE ON THIS PLANET WANNA BE A HERO ?!

AHGHGHGH !!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ?!

I'M ON THE LAM !

I GOT THE ENTIRE FEDERATION OF PLANETS AFTER ME,

BUT THEY AIN'T GONNA CATCH ME, YOU GOT THAT ?

THEY MIGHT'VE BUSTED MY WARP DRIVE

BUT YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE 'EM !