Hell & Back

[slow eerie instrumental music]

Aloha, foolish mortals.

You have come across the Gates of Hell.

Prepare to meet your fiery fate in an orderly fashion.

Three lines, please.

Boo.

Come inside The Gates where we have no

used condoms to step on.

What about you, guy texting?

Why don't you text the rest of your boy band

to come down to Hell?

Anyone? Any takers?

That was pathetic.

You don't know the first thing

about carnival barking. Time for school, son.

Hear ye, hear ye: Repent now, foolish mortal,

for ye enter now the gates of Hell!

That is how that's clone.

Enthusiasm, bro. And always throw the horns. Always!

Yeah, man, 'cause there's nothing depressing

about old metal heads still throwing up horns.

Listen here, skinny jeans fuck nose,

this place can't survive forever without customers.

No customers, no money. No money, no park.

No park, no park.

"No park, no park!"

What are you, a valet at P.F. Chang?

You do know that you just repeated myself, right?

Or did you get pummeled with so many leather dildos

at a Judas Priest concert that you have no idea

what you're saying right now?

Listen, it would be an honor

to be fucked by Judas Priest.

You don't know shit about dick or rock or roll.

[electrical short-circuit and low boom]

Ah!

Get that lubtard to fix this shit.

I'll tell him.

You can also tell him that he looks like

a prime candidate for Type-2 diabetes.

So funny, Cleb.

You know, I hear you talking about my friend,

but it looks like the words are coming out

of a dog shit snowman.

Hey, man-- Do you have a time machine

so I can go back in time

and punch your mom in the stomach

so you don't grow up to be you?

Uh, uh...bitch head.

Augie, the ride's broken again.

Cleb: I'll punch your dick off with my mouth, bro.

Okay, red is the relay and white is the ground.

Ahhh!

Woman with Romanian accent: Hey, what is going on up there?

Um, I'm sorry, I just shorted out

Part of my body.

It's very dark in here.

Zonar, mistress of the Macabre,

is in need of power!

Just let me get a flashlight

and then I'll, uh...

Okay, so I'll just need to check the, uh...

Hello?

Madame Zonar?

Tell me,

do you believe in destiny?

Why, should I?

Do you believe that your heart

will stop because of all the fat

that is collected around it from

the junk food and garbage you eat?

I can only imagine that your veins are

filled with grease and tacos

and Cheetos.

Do you believe in this destiny?

Well, I mean, I.-

Oh! Mr. Fat, Fat, Fattykins.

Okay, I just need to find your breakers.

It's true that I smother my sadness with carbs.

It's my...private shame.

[loud electrical zapping, Augie screaming]

Augie: Shit!

Oh.

I sense that you are good with your hands.

Than--thanks.

Please, sit down.

You are talented, young one.

But you spend too much time fucking your hand.

What?! HOW did you--

Yes, and your hand doesn't enjoy it.

It's not consensual.

No, that's not true at all!

So, basically, you're raping your own hand.

No... And that is why nobody loves you.

You're way off. Nobody will ever love you.

Augie, what are you doing?

Please, sit down.

Madame Zonar, dreamer of desires,

senses a need within you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I work here.

Can you not talk like that?

You're an adult on Planet Earth.

Well, maybe if you put a circuit breaker

on my crystal ball, I could do my job here.

Yeah, we gotta get this whole place

in shape or we're all gonna be out of jobs, okay?

You could use some shaping-up yourself.

I know I may be old and wrinkly,

but my power can provide.

Really? So can my vagina.

Not my breasts so much.

They've been used and abused.

You know what? I take one look

at you and my dick hops out of my pants,

goes and gets a gun

and blows the head of its own dick off.

That is not the first time I have been told that

by a man.

Bro, I saw the way that you were looking at her.

Wait, what?

Thinkin' about throwing Madame BONar

a part of your baby dick?

Come on, Aug, you need the experience.

And she rubs balls for a living.

I mean, they're crystal, so at least she'll be careful,

but she's, like, a thousand years old.

I mean, she must be like

a sandpaper factory down there.

Dude, don't knock sandpaper.

My cat licked my penis when I was in 6th grade

and I still think about it.

Augie: Not again.

I gotta put this horse down.

Dude, this place is in trouble.

The Gates of Hell's our main attraction

and it's falling to shit.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you're the handyman, Augie,

so fix it.

No, no, I would, but Cleb told me

there's no money to fix it.

Ouch! Hey!

Sorry.

Augie: Ouch!

Did you ask Curt for the money?

No, no, no 'cause he's--

The assistant manager. Cleb's the manager.

His name is Cleb. I mean, imagine his parents.

Yeah, it does feel like they gave up

just as soon as they started

choosing baby names.

Clockin' out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

you're seriously leaving early? That's right.

Got a hot date tonight. with Madame Zonar.

Oh, you mean the fortune-teller.

I'm pretty sure I saw her on deck today

slipping around in what appeared to be

her own vomit as she was trying

to poo off the side of her boats.

That's my lady.

Well, not to be a dick, my friend,

just pointing out the obvious here,

you don't really have any skill sets. Yep.

And then, you know, you smoke a tremendous

amount of weed, Right.

And you spend all your time talking

to alcoholic, mentally-ill fortune-tellers. That's me.

All while the rides are in

dangerously bad condition.

Whoa, I told Remy to tell Augie to fix 'em.

That buck has been passed.

Well, yeah, right, but still, I mean,

one of us has to maintain a safe park,

you know, so our customers don't die on the rides.

Well, I guess we gotta figure out who's

gonna do that, you or me?

Well, since you're the manager...

420!

See you tomorrow.

Awesome, all right, thank you so much

for all the stuff you do, Cleb,

whatever that is, bud.

Uh...

Remy: Jab, jab. jab, jab-

Augie: You're goin' down! Remy: Boom, boom!

Watch out now.

Remy: Ah, shit.

So, dude, after break,

we need you to order some parts for The Gates.

Not this time. The park is done.

What? What?

The park is done? Bullshit.

We just a letter from the bank.

The place is bankrupt.

Bankrupt?

How could you let this happen?

Me?! This place is a dinosaur, man.

Other parks have roller-coasters

that rearrange your organs.