The Dick Van Dyke Show

"The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

OK.

OK, ladies, we're about to choose our last contestant, who is Ms. Carol Hackett

from Sacramento, California.

There she is, come right up here, dear.

Anything gets in your way, hack it.

We're gonna be on the air in just a short while, ladies.

And it's exactly 10 minutes to 1:00, if anybody has to take a pill.

You're a bunch of dolls, come on.

You see, it's another sexy one.

I didn't stand a chance.

Oh, sure you did.

He picked the name out of the bowl.

Yeah, but the only thing that comes out of that bowl is sexy out-of-towners.

Boy, Millie, you are so phony.

What do you mean phony?

If they ever did pick you to go on, you'd die.

I'd live long enough to win a dryer or a dishwasher and I wouldn't go home empty handed.

I know Rob could use his influence to get me on.

It took him half a day just to get us the tickets.

I already thanked you for that.

Ladies, ladies, excuse me.

There's still a chance for one lucky lady.

We had to disqualify Ms. Hackett.

She doesn't speak English, right?

Perdón, gracias. - Gracias.

Gracias.

There's no need to apologize, dear.

We'll just pick another name.

Laura, did you ever have a sudden flash of blind intuition hit you?

Hmm?

He's gonna call me.

Mrs. Mildred Helper.

Oh!

No!

Mildred Helper.

Hey, Mr. Patrick.

There she is.

No, here she is, I'm her friend.

What's wrong with her?

Uh, well, nothing.

Nothing?

You mean she always looks like that?

Uh, no.

Millie, come on.

I'll die, I'll just die, Laura.

Ladies, we better pick somebody else.

Millie, they're gonna pick someone else.

Pick, pick.

Uh, Mr. Patrick? - Yeah.

I think you'd better pick someone else.

She's a little nervous. - OK, thanks.

Hey, what about you? - Me?

Sure, why not?

You're not nervous, are you?

Well, uh-- Go ahead, Laura.

What do you mean go ahead?

I mean go ahead.

If you win something, we'll split it.

Don't be a baby.

When did you get so brave?

You can't lose.

You're smart and you're sexy. - Millie!

Ladies, we're gonna have to choose somebody else.

She'll do it. Go on.

Oh, all right.

How about a little encouragement for her?

You know, Alan, we think in the new format, the second dance number should come before the big sketch.

Gee, I don't know.

I like it.

Now, I like it.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I like it too.

What do you know?

Look at that tie you're wearing.

Pretty good.

Now, what else you got there, Rob?

Well, we have the list of the guest performers we'd like to have on the show this next year.

Yeah, you'll notice they're mostly men.

Who made up the list?

Who else?

Listen, you guys, you know these advertising guys are very sensitive and they have to be romanced.

So I'll do all the talking.

Yeah, and I'll do all the romancing.

If I need any help, I'll ask first.

Yes, if Alan needs any help-- - Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

If the meeting drags, I can play my cello.

Yeah, and then I'll get sick.

OK, fellas, we'll grab a quick bite and then get over there.

I couldn't eat a thing. - I'm treating.

I'm starving.

Hello?

Shut up, Mel.

Speak up, Mel!

Speak up!

It's for Rob.

Well, shut up and give it to him.

Come on, .

Thanks, Mel.

Make it snappy, Rob.

Hello?

Rich?

Is anything wrong?

Rich?

It's my son.

Ritchie, I'm in a very important meeting.

Huh?

Well, Uncle Al and Uncle Mel and Uncle Buddy and Uncle Sally.

The kid calls up once a day when he gets a new riddle.

Yeah, and then we use it on the show.

What, Rich?

Wait a minute, Uncle Jerry called and said that Millie said that mommy is on what?

Oh boy, this is tougher than usual.

Well, what television show?

Oh.

Oh, the dumb tickets I got.

Yeah, OK, Rich.

Thank you.

Yeah, boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I give up.

What is it?

An unlisted banana.

Very good, bye, Rich.

Hey, what's an unlisted banana?

Rob, what was that about?

Laura is gonna be on "The Johnny Patrick Show."

Well, who cares?

What's an unlisted banana?

When?

Today, right now.

What's an unlisted banana?

I got the tickets for her and Millie last week.

Rob?

What is long and yellow and seldom rings?

An unlisted banana.

Hey, look, why don't the rest of you go on to lunch.

I'd like to stay here and watch Laura on the show.

Is that all right, Alan?

Yeah, we'll be at the Purple Peacock.

Hey, listen, I'd like to watch that "Johnny Patrick Show."

It's a lot less fattening than lunch.

Johnny Patrick, he's the guy that's so rough on his guests.

Yeah, he once got an airline pilot so confused, he had to confess that he hated to fly.

I once saw him get a woman so bad that she told him she hated her kids.

Hey, well, tune it in, Mel.

Let's all stay and watch what he does to Laura.

.

Our next traveller is a lovely lady from New Rochelle, New York, Mrs. Laura Petrie.

Let's hear it, girls.

It's Mrs. Laura Petrie?

That's right.

That's my friend.

This is her coat.

She looks good.

Yeah.

Petrie, Petrie, is your husband in television?

Yes, he is.

I thought that name was familiar.

Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady happens to be married to one of the most

talented men in our business.

Thank you, I think he is.

The producer of that fantastic show, "The World in Trouble,"

Dave Petrie.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He's not producing that show anymore?

No, he's not my husband.

Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.

No, no, he never was. - Oh!

No, see my husband is Rob Petrie.

Who?

Robert Petrie.

I'm afraid I don't know that name.

Well, he's the head writer of "The Alan Brady Show."

Oh, sure.

Is that still on?

Of course it is.

Tell me, Laura, now listen, is the show any better now than it used to be?

Oh, yes.

Oh? LAURA: I mean no.

Oh.

Boy, I'm getting hungry.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, I mean, it was always good.

You're a little bit nervous, Laura, but tell me,

now listen, now just between us, what is Alan Brady really like?

Don't anybody make a sound.

Well, he's a very fine, talented man.

All right, let's hear it, a sigh of relief all around.

She's cute.

I agree, Alan Brady is an extremely talented man.

You know, this guy is very good.

My husband's always saying how exhilarating it is to work for a man as gifted as Alan.

Yeah, well, she'd have to say that, folks.

No, she didn't.