Only Murders in the Building

Who is Dudenoff?

Do you know who's out to get me?

The last person who came around

asking these questions got killed.

We're illegally subletting rent-controlled apartments.

Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal. We send him rent.

The voice on the ham radio said...

-That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend, -Your crazy ex-girlfriend.

You may have heard about our little "firearms moment" at the photo shoot.

- -

It's Glen! He's still alive!

They got me in my fat!

Dudenoff? He's been cashing social security checks

at a bodega on 125th Street.

There's two left shoulders?

Sazz's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator.

It belongs... to Dudenoff.

Oliver, I wanna marry you.

Whosever cashing Dudenoff's checks is after you.

Your friend Howard says he knows who killed Dudenoff.

Wasn't just one person cashing his checks .

He found five different signatures

-with one phone number. -Hello?

They know.

Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film

set entirely in a small boat filled with disparate characters

who learn how far they'd go to survive the rough waters

of their perilous circumstances.

In New York City,

a lifeboat can look a lot like an affordable apartment in a nice building

on the Upper West Side.

Can I go in this way?

Hey, taxi!

- -Well, I can make another tape. I c...

-Hey! -Hey. Call... call me back.

You got one of those fancy invites from Dudenoff, too, huh?

Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery."

I think it was delivered by a raven.

-Is your eye okay? -Yeah, it's probably just allergies.

Hey! You guys got an invite, too?

Yeah. Check out this cardstock.

He knows we can, like, text, right?

Is someone gonna knock already?

Wait for me! Wait for me!

-Helga! -I brought my new girlfriend.

I hope that is okay.

Of course. Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker?

Piggy in a blanket!

Oh, hell!

Look who it is.

Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.

I'm about to change your lives.

One thing about choosing a safe house

filled with your family.

What's that, Charles?

It makes going home to a building full of murderers more appealing.

- -

- - Seriously?

Okay, just put...

No, no, no. Charles, use your hips.

Up and around like a hula hoop. Do this thing.

- It's not helping. -Would you just let me?

No, I can do it. It's just a problem with the, uh, th-the fuselage.

How do neither of you know how to pop the hood of a car?

-Because real men hire other men, Mabel. -Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away,

and it's good to leave them something to do 'cause it makes 'em happy.

-You're a real philanthropist. Hang on. -

They're calling again! Ignore!

- -Well, while we're waiting,

we should probably do a recap.

Here's what we know so far.

This Dudenoff guy has a bunch of rent-controlled units,

and he moved the Westies in.

Then, even though they need him alive to keep their homes,

they kill and burn him.

And then, they cash his checks to cover it up.

And when poor Sazz caught onto them, they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment.

And then, they shot at me, barely missing

the most essential person to our investigative work.

I can't believe Vince Fish would do this!

He was my Wordle buddy!

- -Oh! Hold on.

Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now.

- -Hello?

Hey, guys! So the sexy half of this crime-solving sextet

has some thoughts.

Don't you have to go to rehearsal?

Now that we know that we're indispensable, we cannot leave you alone.

We are professional investigators,

and you are playing us in a movie because of it!

We are fine on our own!

Hey, can we just, uh, mute you for a second?

If you're muting us, we're muting you!

Okay, good. Muting each other.

Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this?

Uh, y-you didn't mute us.

Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now.

-What happened? I'm muted. - No, we can still hear you.

Tell you what? Let's just not mute!

We need to find someplace safe to plan.

Anywhere but the Arconia.

Okay. I know just the place.

Okay, but how do we get a confession?

Well, I have an idea, but it involves someone.

-Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza... -It's Tony Danza.

Eugene, can we go one day without you mentioning Tony Danza?

Hey, look.

How could my character live here?

The albums, not alphabetized.

Oh! Nice.

Nice. A first edition touching a second edition!

Yeah, brilliant. That's really good.

Oh, really?

- Oh. - Okay.

So, we bust in on the Westies with two celebrities

-and Eugene. - Mm-hmm.

Then, what?

It's almost go-time on the movie,

so I'm gonna pump my cheeks while we spitball.

-Can we get back to my idea for a minute? -

Because it's so simple.

We invite the Westies to, yes,

Tony Danza's 35th annual

"It's Time To Wear White Pants Extrava-Danza."

Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of Who's the Boss?

-I don't care. It's okay. - Oh.

Then, we tell the Sauce Family that Tony wants

to start his own line of sauces called

"Who's the Sauce?"

The Westies will then spill their story

on account of Danza's, uh, neighborhood wise-guy charisma.

-Danza's the perfect plan-za. -Mm.

I love it. I love it.

I would change it slightly and maybe not do it.

And instead, surprise them with a ding-dong.

-Wh-What...? -Uh, say more about the ding-dong.

In soapy TV, a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise.

It's like a-a long-lost brother returns,

or, uh, your paralyzed uncle

starts to walk again after 40 years.

Y-You're overthinking it.

One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff, and the others are covering for 'em.

All we need to do is get them talking.

I say that we invite the Westies

to a celebrity-studded...

super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's.

That's good.

Right. Our own turf. The key is to remain calm.

Well, having precise control of our emotions

is what actors do best.

Yeah, the question is can you three do it?

First of all, I am an actor!

Well, let's not go crazy.

But also, I'm entirely capable of catching the killer of my dear friend

who only wanted to open a trampoline park so young...

I need to lie down.

Where the fuck is my bedroom?!

I hope Charles can hold it together.

Confronting a friend's killer just brings up a lotta shit.

Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores

with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool.

This is the infrared setting.

Yeah, it's also a nail gun,

has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head.

- -

-Hello? - Hi!

-Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée. -

We're getting married this weekend!

Hello, my darling love.

This weekend?

I know, he's a little old to have a shotgun wedding.

Yeah. More like a musket wedding.

Where did he go?

Hey, look, it's also a recorder.

It has auto-tune. You wanna try it?

Uh, don't... Definitely don't wanna touch that.

-Yeah. Okay. - Yeah.

No, no, honey. I-I will... I will handle it all.

- I can't believe we're here. -I know. It's exciting.

Uh, no, I'll, I'll make the arrangements.

Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye.

- -

Hey, that's my seat.

Oh! Of course it is.

I, uh, I keep forgetting.

-Okay. -We getting married this weekend?

I am.

Please don't tell me you're gonna do it at a courthouse.

Weddings demand spectacle.

Music, speeches, AK-47s shot right up in the air.