The Tombs

¶¶¶

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the London Tombs.

The night has finally arrived after months of waiting

and you won't believe what we have in store for you,

but more importantly, those unlucky few, who will be walking through those doors.

Before our guests arrive, let's take a quick look at some of the horrors

that lie within the London Tomb's scare attraction.

¶¶¶

Oooh. Scary stuff, eh.

This horror location will soon be seen again on the big screens

for the return of the up and coming sequel to the original Tomb 's movie.

As you know tonight, our lead actors along with some of their brave celebrity guests,

will soon descend into the hidden catacombs beneath our feet

for an unimaginable night of horror.

Our ghouls are ready, the ghosts are ready and more terrifyingly,

our celebrities are ready.

So, there is only one question left to ask, are you ready? Because you better be.

Well how did that happen? And he's not coming out?

Be careful with that, it costs more than your house! Who am I kidding? You don't own a house.

Listen, I'm going to say only once: solutions, not problems.

Go on.

Better not be a problem.

I'm not reading that.

-May I ask why not? -Because it's awful, absolutely no understanding

of my character's motivation whatsoever.

You're a TV presenter, Harriet, and your motivation is in the bank.

Oh! I take personal oence to that and I refuse to acknowledge it.

Well you sort of just did.

I am a personality.

I am a star.

And I would like to think after writing for me for over three seasons

that those typewriter monkeys would understand my character.

This is a bit dierent than filming a two-minute intro to a midnight movie, darling.

I don't see how, darling.

This is a synergized multimedia event.

The movie gets publicity, this place gets publicity,

the channel gets a scary new reality TV show,

and you, you get a primetime audience for once.

Think about it, a weekly syndicated survival horror show, with you as the star.

Like, Bear Grylls without eating the wildlife.

-Aim for the stars! -And that's why my character has to be right.

Luckily for you,

I understand my characters' motivation perfectly.

No improv, Harriet.

You're looking beautiful.

Thank you. Champagne.

We're still here outside the London Tombs.

And some of the great fans are hoping to get what might be the last chance

to see their celebrity favs.

Let's have a word.

Hi, what are you most hoping to see our stars face tonight?

Bill Piper, Bill Piper!

You're excited, aren't you?

-Yeah, Piper, Piper... -Piper.

Yeah, okay.

As our countdown nears its end

let's take the chance to look at who's already ventured inside to their fate.

Daytime soap awards star nominee and star of The Tombs two, it's Gigi!

You better know him from his boy band crooning days and star of the North Star, it's PJ!

Our celebrity sidekick, Tanya Merryman.

Television and acting school and main state of reality television, it's Lyle Rourke.

Lyle, Lyle!

And last, but definitely not least, your celebrity journalist

and news reporter and blogger, Doug Smart.

Doug, Doug, Doug...

This place is a fucking maze.

Yeah, they do it on purpose mate, it's to disorientate people.

Builds the fear apparently. It's the whole point of it.

I don't understand why anyone would let, out of work actors, chase around the dark for fun.

I mean, there's something wrong with people.

People like to be scared.

It's a thrill.

You're a mug.

Anyway, I didn't come here to be scared. I came here to do a job.

Dom?

Don't be scared, don't be scared.

To be fair your job is bad, but not as bad as these fucking two.

-It's not even Halloween yet! - All right, all right.

Dickheads.

I don't know.

I think they're kind of cute really.

Give us a sip.

-Ah, I've got lipstick on it now. -Give it back here.

You see?

I told you.

There's something wrong with people.

I take it you don't watch horror films.

What happened to good old-fashioned movies for the whole family?

Listen mate, you know what you're missing, all right?

The London Tombs, the first one absolute classic.

Stone cold classic.

A bunch of tourists, they get trapped in this place overnight, and then-

then they get hunted down by a deranged killer.

Picked o, one by one.

Total, old-school slasher!

Yeah, that sounds great.

Oh, I suppose this is your lad.

The one that does all the picking and slashing and god knows what?

Slashing, slashing, god knows what.

No, I-- I actually don't recognize that one. Must be new for the sequel.

Let's just wrap it up here, eh? There is a pint somewhere with my name on it.

You head.

That had better be a glitch, Gary.

Oh, come on, Olivia, what do you want from me? I'm dealing with all the technical problems,

what in an underground scare attraction.

It's hardly wired for audio visual.

So, no problem then.

No problem, just peachy.

-Uh-oh! Star wrangling? -Character issues.

Problems with the script apparently.

She's going to improv it. I just know it.

What, the writing team couldn't get the right mixture of tits and clichés?

We've created a monster.

She's more of a-- a minor demon.

I was hoping for fashionably late.

Well, time to start clearing out the stragglers.

Well, break a leg.

Fix the cameras.

Yes, ma'am.

-Dom. -

It's not even started yet and I'm already getting shivers.

As we're close to kick o that can only mean one thing.

It's time to introduce our final guest.

You best know her as the star of the original Tomb 's movie,

ready to head back underground one last time.

It's Piper!

Let's take a look back at her time in the original Tombs ' movie.

Come here. Come here.

-How are you feeling? -Yeah, yeah. I'm good thanks.

I'm, you know, really excited to be here with, with all the greatest fans!

Um, your fans.

I guess so.

-Nervous? -Do you know, what I've got to be honest, I am a little bit.

Dom, pick up.

Fuck.

I am definitely getting workers comp over that you, dopey prick.

My scream queen lungs are ready to go.

-Okay, good. Get yourself in and good luck. -Thank you.

Bye! Bye!

Our fan favorite is in.

Let's hope she can survive the night.

Okay, don't hold back all right. This is going on TV. I need to make an impact.

-Don't worry, you're going to look great. -Right.

-Just don't get it in my eyes, okay? -All right, all right.

What are you two still doing here? I called places fifteen minutes ago.

Get moving.

Finally, a real star. Well, another one.

-Me? -Modest too, such a rare quality in horror royalty.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

I was so worried you would flake and leave me here with the B-list.

You know, I've done all the reality shows back home.

Now days, seems like a natural career progression.

-Is this your first? -Yes. It is.

I thought so.

You seem a little stressed out.

-Oh, it's not that. It's just uh... -It is a little creepy.

-But this is going to be fun, don't you think? -I guess so.

Hell, I was surprised they talked you into doing this at all.

-Contractual obligation. -

Funny too, what a delight.

You know, once we're done here, we really have to sit down and talk.

I am working on a bunch of projects that you would love.

Sorry, you're needed.

-Hi! -Hey, there. I'm-- I'm PJ.

I know who you are.

What gave me away?

I'd have preferred a table read if I'm being honest.

Me too.

And there we have it, everyone's in and the doors are locked.

The night is getting dark and the creeps are coming out to play.

Stay with us as we venture down into the Tombs.

But remember, get comfortable, stay safe and hold your loved ones tight

because it's not only things down in the Tombs that go bump in the night.

And we're out!

Look, I'm not being funny but how many more links have I got to do?

So, you know, what-- what's it like, uh, being back I mean?

Um, it's a little bit strange if I'm being honest.

It's not really somewhere I thought I'd be.

Oh, come on. The only last surviving character from a hit movie.

-Seems like a no brainer to me. -Ha, ha!

Look what the cat dragged back in.

-How's the scars? -Fine, how's the jaw?

Lucrative.

I'm sorry I-- I missed something.

Must be jet-lagged.

This sorry excuse, arsehole of a journalist made quite a name for himself,

-exploiting my personal life. -And I made a mint.

So, I broke his jaw.

-Is that true? -Oh yeah, he's an arsehole!

You know what, Piper? I'm so glad that they didn't kick the life out of you completely.

Oh no, it's there.

I reserve it for tabloid hacks.

-Anyway, I thought print was dead. -Bit like your career, honey.

Why don't you move on away then, buddy?

I'll be seeing you.

Don't worry about him.

Why don't we go and get a drink later after this, you know?

Whose got time for camera queens?

Oh!

The three stars finally together. Ah, this is so exciting!