The Pirates Band of Misfits (The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists) (The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!)

Admiral Collingwood!

Well, Admiral?

Great news, Your Majesty!

The French are defeated at last,

Also the Russians, the Portuguese,

the Chinese

and the Welsh,

Then our navy rules the ocean,

Almost entirely, Your Majesty.

Al most"?

Unfortunately, just here,

we're still having a little trouble with.

...pirates.

What does it say on my royal crest, Admiral?

"I hate pirates,"

ma'am,

Exactly,

Hate them,

With their idiotic shanties!

And their ridiculous hats!

And their endless, blasted roaring!

I want them sunk, Admiral!

Scuppered, smashed, fed to the sharks. Do you hear me?

I hale pirates!

It's the looting,

It's the cutlasses,

It's the looting!

It's the cutlasses!

Looting!

Cullasses!

Looting!

Sorry, Captain,

We were just discussing what's the best bit about being a pirate

You were, were you?

I suggested it might be the looting,

Whereas I contend it's the shiny cutlasses

And I thought it was the chance to catch exotic diseases,

Well, you're, all of you, wrong,

The best bit about being a pirate

isn't the looting or the cutlasses,

It's not the grog or the scurvy

Or the scantily clad mermaids.

The best bit about being a pirate

is Ham Night!

Ham Night!

Ham Night!

Ham!

On your nose.

Go, Captain. Go, Captain,

Hey! Hey!

It's like a meat ballet.

- To Ham Night! - Ham!

- And to the Pirate Captain! - Pirate Captain!

Pirate Captain!

How was that, Number Two'?

You've still got it, Captain,

I'd take a jellyfish in the face for that man.

Okay, now, shush, shush, shush. Settle down, lads. Shush.

- Lads, lads, - Pirates!

- It's not all about me, - Don't be modest,

No, no, no.

Behind every captain with glittering eyes

- and a luxuriant beard - Luxuriant!

That's what it is,

...there's a crew of briny rogues.

Briny rogues!

Sure, some of you are as ugly as a sea cucumber.

Will you get away with ya?

Some of you are closer to being a chair or coat rack than a pirate,

And some of you are just fish I've dressed up in a hat,

But you're still the best crew a captain could wish for-.

Don't forget Polly,

And not forgetting, never forgetting.

...Polly. The finest parrot to sail the seven seas.

Come on, girl,

I love her beady eyes,

Who's the feathery heart and soul of our boat'?

Is it you? Is it you?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

It's definitely you, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Right. Where was I?

Ah, yes! Ah, yes.

Important announcement,

By order of the Pirate King himself.

The Pirate of the Year Awards?

Are you going to

Are you going to enter again?

That I am, Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate,

I know it hasn't worked out perfectly for the last

- 20 year. - 20 years, yeah.

Exactly, Pirate with Gout. 20 years,

It might be a bit more. 21, 22

Yes, yes. Thank you, thank you.

- You were very good, though, - Shush!

The point is, every time I've entered, I've failed to win,

So by the sheer law of maths

Maths,

...I must have a really good chance this time.

Are you with me, lads?

Yes! This can only end brilliantly,

Then let's go plundering!

Land ho!

Blood Island,

So-called because it's the exact shape of some blood,

Yeah!

Excuse me. Mind out,

Captain coming through,

Thank you very much,

Thank you.

One Pirate of the Year entry form, if you please,

Thank you.

Now, let's see.

"Booty"?

Oh, yes,

"Roaring." Check,

"Shanties,"

I shall put "rousing,"

"Beard"?

Luxuriant,

Obviously,

Do you think I should sign it in blood?

Make it more dramatic?

Might be a bit on the showy side

Bit too much. You might be right

Pirate Captain,

You can't lose, Captain,

I'd bet my face,

Well, thank you, Albino Pirate,

You're a shoo-in, sir.

Sure, there's not a pirate on the seven seas can match you.

Lock up your daughters!

It's me, Peg-Leg Hastings!

Back from plunderin' the Spanish Main.

Good grief.

And I reckon this will make me Pirate of the Year.

Don't worry, sir, He's all flash and no bang.

Cutlass Liz,

The Butcher of Barbados,

Hello, boys,

You're probably all wondering if I'm still as deadly as I am beautiful.

Well, I am.

Hello, Cutlass, you trollop

Peg-Leg, you pile of squid bait.

Check it out, lubbers.

The world's biggest diamond,

That baby's got my name on it,

She doesn't even have a beard,

Sweet Neptune's briny pants,

Black Bellamy.

Roar!

Read it and weep, ya coves!

That's right, Black Bellamy is gonna be Pirate of the Year.

Again,

How are you'? Good to see you.

Grog for everybody!

Grog for everybody!

Wow, we are rubbish compared to them, aren't we'?

Perhaps we should be off, sir,

Yes,

Yes, yes, good point.

I just remembered, actually, I have some very important

bits of rope I need to untangle,

Thank you.

Well, if it isn't the Pirate Captain,

Hello, Bellamy. Cutlass. Peg-Leg.

Didn't notice you come in.

The beard's looking great, my man.

And I see that you're more wanted than ever.

Come on, everybody, be nice. Give him a break.

Bring it down a little bit. Ail right,

Seriously, Captain,

how's the pirating business treating you?

Yeah, yeah, brilliantly, brilliantly, Thanks for asking.

Treasure coming out of my eyeballs,

Taken to washing my hair in 50-pound notes,

Really'?

If you've got so much booty,

then haw come you're still sailing that old wreck?

Anyway, look, I'd love to stay and chat, but, you know,

places to pillage, people tom People to skewer.

Come on!

That is disgusting,

Wait a minute.

Captain, what is this?

- What? - Captain'?

That's nothing. Could I possibly have that back'?

- Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait. - Thank you.

"Pirate of the Year“?

You're entering Pirate of the Year?

No, no, no, no, no.

- Yes. - Again?

Yes!

Come on. Listen, did they change the rules?

I mean, I always thought they gave it to the pirate with the most booty.

Do they now just give it to the guy with the fattest parrot?

She is not fat. She's just big-boned.

She's fat, dude.

Yeah, go on. Go on, then, laugh,

Everyone laugh,