Jonas Brothers Family Roast

Did you know that The Crown is actually actors?

No way.

-Yeah. -Unbelievable.

Nick, you want some eggs?

No, I'm all good, bro. I'm having an a-kai bowl.

It's a natural antioxidant, and it's delicious.

Ah! Check out Mr. Hollywood over here.

Yeah. Gwyneth called. Uh, you're late for your vagina steaming.

Good one.

By the way, Nick, it's actually pronounced "açai."

No, it's not.

It's definitely not that. It's "a-kai."

Actually, I think the correct pronunciation is quinoa.

What are you talking about?

It's a-kai.

-A-kai? -A-kai.

-Quinoa. - Can we stop?

God, you smell bad.

You know what? We should not be arguing like this.

We're grown men. We shouldn't be bickering--

-He just throw a pancake at my face? -He just threw a pancake at your face.

Take it!

Hey!

Okay, boys.

You wanna do this?

Let's take it to the basement.

Gentlemen, welcome to Jonas Brothers Fight Club.

There's a few rules about Jonas Brothers Fight Club.

First rule of Jonas Brothers Fight Club

is we don't talk about Jonas Brothers Fight Club.

- -Second rule of Jonas Brothers Fight--

Hey, babe.

Yeah. No, I'm just in Jonas Brothers Fight Club.

It's pretty cool. We're in our basement.

Um, there's all these secret rules.

-Dude. -What?

Secret rules.

-Oh, the rules… Oh! -Yeah.

I'll call you back. Love you. Love you. Yeah. Love you, bye.

Sorry. You were saying?

Boys! You better not be messing up the basement

doing your stupid fight club again.

No, we're not doing that.

- Never. -We're just…

-We're watching porn together. -What?

Way to think on your feet. This guy.

Oh, yeah. And third and most important rule,

no punches to the face. We're too pretty for that.

-Obviously. -Duh.

I mean, have you seen this face?

-All right. - Let's do this thing.

Come on.

Wait. What are we even doing?

We're meant to be brothers.

Brothers don't do this.

They do this.

Loki, why have you done this?

Loki, why have you done this?

-You're not Thor. -Of course, I'm Thor.

Oh, you thought I was going to be Loki?

I think it's obvious in this family who Loki is.

Loki, why have you done this?

Oh, come on. Kevin, seriously?

Guys, I'm heroic.

Didn't you see how I handled Dani's sister's graduation

in Season 2 of Married to Jonas ?

Wait, they made two seasons of that bullshit?

Guys, stop!

Let's handle this properly.

Well, of course you brought us to Camp Rock.

The one you starred in. Such a middle child move.

So thirsty for attention.

What can I say?

The camera loves me.

Can we just focus, guys?

Guys, I wanted us to come back here because this is where we connected.

This is where we can heal

as bandmates and brothers.

And also, get on stage and rock out in a wholesome way.

So what do you say, guys? Let's get out there and rock this camp!

Yeah!

Guys, I am so proud of us.

I think we all learned a lesson about brotherly love.

I'm gonna get a coffee. You guys want anything?

-I'll take an espresso. -It's actually pronounced "expresso."

I will crush you faster than--

They had to do with all your unsold solo albums.

Yes.

Don't act like I don't see who you are under all that.

Bogus Jonas.

You can see something underneath those eyebrows?

- -

Guys! Guys!

I've got a much better way to get this out of your system.

The host of our show, Kenan Thompson!

Hello, hello, hello!

Oh, snap.

What's going on, everybody?

Hello, hello. Good evening. Good evening. Hello, sir. Good to see you.

Good to see you. Sit. Sit. That's too much. That's too much.

Thank you very much.

All right. Welcome to the Jonas Brothers Family Roast.

I am your host, Kenan Thompson.

- -Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Jonas Brothers are here.

- -That's right.

That's right.

Tonight we will be joined by Pete Davidson,

Lilly Singh,

Jack Whitehall,

John Legend,

Niall Horan,

and Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias!

This is a family affair.

So we are joined by the brothers' better halves, of course,

Danielle Jonas, Sophie Turner, and Priyanka Chopra Jonas.

Pleasure.

So here we go.

Wouldn't be a roast without the roastees.

Please put your hands together and welcome Kevin, Joe, and Nick,

otherwise known as the Jonas Brothers!

That's them.

That's them.

That's them.

All right.

Guys, how are you feeling?

You are looking forward to tonight or what?

Yeah, we're nervous, Kenan. That's what's going on.

But I trust that, in your hands, tonight will be fun.

And with this incredible audience, we'll have a great time!

Let's turn it up!

There's lots of things for nerves. Uh, do you smoke weed?

Oh, yeah. I'm high as shit right now.

Oh, snap!

It's getting real.

All right. So…

Tonight, I will be your guide to all things Jonas.

I'm here to give you Jonas Brothers 101.

Let's go through it.

Yeah!

All right.

The Jonas Brothers were raised in Wyckoff, New Jersey.

Yeah!

Making them the biggest musicians

to ever come out of New Jersey.

Except for Sinatra.

Or maybe Bruce Springsteen.

Oh, or Whitney Houston.

Or Frankie Valli, Queen Latifah, Lauryn Hill, George Clayton,

Kool & The Gang, Jon Bon Jovi.

But after that… after that…

y'all got New Jersey on lock. You know what I'm saying?

I love that. Represent.

-We did it. -Hey, we did it. We did it.

The brothers were encouraged at a very young age

to pursue their love of music, thanks to their loving parents

King Kevin Senior and Queen Denise Jonas.

Kevin is here with us tonight.

But Denise was unable to join us

because she has tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

We all know you can't give up those tickets.

All right, so…

There they are.

Now, this little guy right in the front, that is their youngest brother, Franklin.

-Yeah! -Woo!

And I have been instructed strictly to not call him the Bonus Jonas.

He didn't show up tonight,

so I'm gonna call him the "Disownus Jonas."

Now, back then,

the Jonas Brothers rocked all kinds of wild looks,

and nobody said a damn thing. I mean, that's how famous they were.

Look at how ridiculous they looked.

Nick.

What's up with the hat, man?

I don't know.

You look like Slash from Guns N' Roses had a weird stepson.

And somehow, the countless skinny ties,

vests, and decorative scarves

still didn't distract from their glorious hair.

Oh!

Yeah.

It's a good look.

Oh my God.

Look at it.

I got to give it to them.

Those are some of the most realistic weaves I have ever seen.

Now, each of the brothers has their own thing.

First, let's look at the loneliest Jonas,

Kevin.

Oh.

How lonely?

Well, lonely enough to have this meme shared thousands of times.

"When you plan to meet your friends somewhere

and you're the first one to show."

Aw, Kevin. It's all right, man. It's all right.

As the saying goes,