Red Dwarf

Ow!

Ah!

Ow!

Lister, it's six in the morning, what are you doing?!

I'm just trimming my big toe with these lawn edge trimmers.

So you've finished Kierkegaard's The Concept of Irony then?

I've got an ingrown toenail, Rimmer.

It's killin' me, man.

Thank it for me.

I've tried everythin'.

Scissors, nail file...

Why don't you get Kryten to do it for you?

Have you seen the size of his hands?

They're like space shovels.

It would be like asking Herman Munster

for a circumcision.

No thanks!

Speaking of...

Breakfast, Sir.

Kryten, it's six o'clock in the mornin'!

We moved the clocks forward today, Sir.

And remember last year when it was time to

move the clocks forward

and you wanted another hour in bed?

So you asked if I could move the clocks forward

an extra hour the following year instead?

Well,

we've actually been doing that now for the last seven years.

So in actuality,

according to space adjusted time,

It is now two in the afternoon.

Which means,

breakfast time!

I'll just tuck this napkin in for you, Sir.

Thank you. There we go.

And I'll just fluff this pillow up a bit.

Fluff, fluff, fluff. There we go, Sir.

Is there anything you don't do for him? Fluff, fluff, fluff. There we go, Sir.

Is there anything you don't do for him?

When he goes to the loo, do you fit a special hand

made from three-ply toilet tissue?

That's an excellent suggestion, Sir. I'll make a note!

Actually, you're all right, Krytes!

Um, what's for breakfast?

The Full Lister, Sir.

Ahhh, the Full Lister!

Eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, onions,

six slices of white toast,

double-buttered on both sides with mustard.

And a beer milkshake to wash it all down with! double-buttered on both sides with mustard.

And a beer milkshake to wash it all down with!

Ta-da!!

Oh, Sir!

I'm so sorry!

I must have forgotten to make it.

What is wrong with me?

Ah, you're all right, Kryten.

Are you okay?

How could I be so stupid?!

Stupid, stupid, stupid?

Stupid, stupid, stupid!?

You talkin' about me?

Krytes isn't feeling too good.

Oh.

What's up, brother mine?

I've been a little distracted of late.

I think I might have lost something

that's fundamental to my very being.

One of your nipple nuts dropped off again?

It's nothing like that, Sir.

I think I've lost my love of mopping. It's nothing like that, Sir.

I think I've lost my love of mopping.

And not just mopping.

Scrubbing, dusting, even wiping!

Which is always my favourite.

It's like a little light's gone out inside.

Kryten, it's called your sanity circuit. It's like a little light's gone out inside.

Kryten, it's called your sanity circuit.

What's brought all this on?

Well, just recently I've started thinking about the universe.

About how cosmic inflation of the time of the Big Bang

means it's constantly expanding,

until one day, it's going to burst!

And when it does,

everything in the universe is gonna cease to exist!

Including the works of the greatest minds.

Einstein, Mozart, Da Vinci,

Hoover, Dyson, Hotpoint, Dust Buster!

And it got me thinking:

If everything in the universe is going to end,

including time itself,

what is the point including time itself,

what is the point

in cleaning above eye level?!

Good question.

If, one day, the universe is going to explode,

who cares if the oven is a bit gunky?

Nothing matters, Sir.

Justice, truth, culture, morality,

life, death, religion, war -

It's all absurd.

Why even get up in the morning?

I've been asking that for years!

What am I going to do?

Why don't you take an ice-cold shower.

That'll fix it!

I'm not waterproof, Sir. That'll fix it!

I'm not waterproof, Sir.

Exactly.

Kryten, what about Silicon Heaven?

Does that bring you no comfort?

Well, just lately, I've started to think

that the idea of an after-life

for machines is preposterous.

No!

Well, especially as appliances who are pledged

to the wrong manufacturer aren't even allowed in!

It just seems so unfair

that all the BlackBerries burn in Silicon Hell.

What's eating you, Bud?

I'm not sure, Sir.

Perhaps it's something to do with today being the

anniversary of my creation?

Happy Creation Day, Bud!

Yeah, Happy Creation Day!

I came off the conveyor belt 2,976,000 years ago today.

Where did all the years go?

What's got into him?

Wait a minute.

How old did Kryten say he was?

Three million?

Give or take an ice age or two?

And how long are mechs built to last

before the Grim Ruster comes along?

Another 3 million?

Give or take an ice age or two?

Well there's your answer, then. Give or take an ice age or two?

Well there's your answer, then.

Kryten's having a mid-life crisis.

What even is a mid-life crisis?

I don't think us cats ever get 'em.

It's a period when people, I don't think us cats ever get 'em.

It's a period when people,

usually half way through life,

are forced to confront their own mortality.

Put it this way,

have you ever felt:

"I've wasted my life."

You?! Sure!

Every single day!

No. Have you ever felt you've wasted your life?

No!

Have you felt

"There's so much more I could have been?"

Noooo!

Have you ever felt that

"If I went back in time and had my time again I'd..."

F-forget it.

I suppose you can't blame Kryten for feeling like this,

he's nearly 3 million years old,

and what does he got to show for it? he's nearly 3 million years old,

and what does he got to show for it?

Mozart was five when he wrote

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

Yeah, but what did he do after that, huh?

He got a bad case of

"Sick of Nursery Rhyme Syndrome" right?

Mozart, Dummy, is one of the

greatest musical gods of all... music!

And after "Twinkle",

he went on to write, among other things,

the Best of Mozart!

And, the Best of Mozart Volume Two!

It must be so hard for you

being the only one here with a classical education.

It is!

Kryten?

What have you done to yourself?!

What do you think?

It's the new DX-87 shell. What do you think?

It's the new DX-87 shell.

Carbon fibre, Rosso Corsa red,

Alcantara trim, with twin exhausts!

It has a top walking speed

of get this,

twelve miles an hour!

And you should see how this hoochie takes corners.

It is pip-tacular!

Plus, with the new push-rod suspension system,

allowing my nose to be lower to the ground,

I can take corners at 38 degrees!

Kryten,

Sit down. We wanna talk to ya.

Check this.

Kryten, do you know what a mid-life crisis is?

Sure do-ski. Kryten, do you know what a mid-life crisis is?

Sure do-ski.

It's a period of emotional turmoil in the middle of life.

Symptoms are usually unexpected anger,

a loss of interest in things once considered important,