Russell Peters: Deported

Ladies and gentlemen, it's start time

at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium.

And right about now, we're going to bring you the brother that

gave you, "somebody going to get a hurt real bad," "be a man,"

"take it and go."

One of "Rolling Stones" 50 greatest

stand up comics of all time.

Let's bring him on right now, the brownest working man in

show business, Russell Peters!

Hey!

Hello Bombay buggers.

What's happening?

I know it's going to sound strange,

but it's good to be home.

I mean, although I was never born and raised here,

but I still feel at home.

I feel like I don't have to do things

that I have to do back home to keep up with white people.

I can just be a comfortable brown man here.

Fuck it, I don't even have to put on deodorant over here if I

don't want to, because it's not stopping you,

you know what I mean?

Give it up for Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen.

So we're back in the motherland.

How you doing, buddy?

You OK?

He must be good.

He give me, like, the sharp one.

That's how you know you're really fucking good.

It wasn't even multiple, just one.

What's your name?

- Preag. - What?

Preag.

That sounds like before ugly.

I am pre-ug right now, 10 more years, full-ug.

How you doing, buddy? Good?

You chose to look like a sperm tonight.

I see that was your...

That was a choice you made.

How did you get here?

That's why traffic doesn't bother him.

I was around a million others.

That's an awful outfit.

Pre-ug, actually ug.

OK, let me tell you what's been happening

with me since the last time I saw you guys.

I don't know if you know this, it's been a few years

since I've been here.

But since the last time I was here, I got fat.

And... fuck you.

I... here's what happened, I was like my regular kind of fat.

You know what I mean?

Like, that kind of fat when you look at me

and you go, you know, Russell, if you

would just run, like, once.

That's the problem with being Indian, we get fat.

We're born skinny, that's the real problem.

We're born skinny.

We're naturally a skinny race of people.

And we're born skinny and we stay skinny.

We don't have to work hard to be skinny.

We could be skinny and eat whatever we want

and stay skinny.

And then we never go to the gym because we're skinny,

we don't need to.

And our parents don't encourage you to go to the gym.

You're like, dad, I'm going to go to the gym.

What's in the gym?

Do they have studies in the gym? No, you're not going to the gym.

You stay home and do your studies.

And because you never tone up, you

stay this, like, really smushy kind of skinny, you know.

And you eat whatever you want your entire life.

And then at 30, you're Indian genes kick

in and go, OK, party's over.

And then you just get fat, and it's, like, a fucking

awful fat that we get.

And that's what happened to me.

I mean, I'm much older than that now.

But I got like a weird kind of fat.

I was like my normal fat and then I woke up one morning,

I was like.

I was like, I'm bloated.

I figured I would pee it out, I would sweat it out,

I'd be fine the next day.

Anyway, cut to a year and a half later and I'm still..

And I go, something's wrong.

So I go to the doctor.

I go, doc, I got fat.

He goes, yes.

I said, thanks, asshole.

I didn't come here for confirmation.

I came here to find out why I got fat.

He goes, well, why do you think you're fat?

I said, because I have a mirror.

And I walked past it naked the other day

and I thought somebody else was in my room.

I was like, on my God, who fat, hairy ass is that?

Turns out it was my stomach.

It was...

And people on the internet were calling me fat.

You guys are dicks, by the way.

You say whatever you want to us on the internet.

And if we respond, we're assholes.

So we just have to take the abuse.

But sometimes I get mad when people say

things to me on the internet.

Not because of what they said, more so because it's probably

something I would have said.

And then I'm mad that my own words

are getting used against me.

Like, I posted something for this TV show I was on.

And somebody goes, holy shit, did you eat your whole cast?

And I was like, damn it, I would have said that to.

I probably would have said that too.

And then somebody posted a picture with me,

and somebody commented and went, Russell Peters,

looking thicker than a snicker.

I got mad at that because I love a good rhyme.

Thicker than a snicker, that's a good one too.

It's not a fair way to describe a human.

I think thicker than a snicker is a great way

for me to describe my penis.

I think it's a wonderful way to describe it.

So Russell, tell me about your penis.

Well, it's thicker than a snicker, equally dark

and vain texture, packed with nuts, and it satisfies.

So I said to my doc, I said, doc,

it doesn't make sense that I should be

getting as fat as I'm getting.

He said, why not?

I said, because I don't eat crazy,

and I train jujitsu every other day.

He's like, huh, how old are you now?

I said, 48.

He goes, and you're Indian?

I go, yeah, but...

He goes, and you haven't had a heart attack yet?

He goes... I said, no, I haven't had a heart attack yet.

He goes, all right.

So he takes blood and I leave.

Calls me back in three days later.

I go back in, he's like, hey, I got your blood back.

I know what's wrong. I go, what's wrong?

He goes, it's your thyroid.

I go, what about it?

He goes, you have an underactive thyroid.

I go, so what does that mean?

It means it's not doing enough.

I said, I understand what the fuck underactive means.

He goes, then why did you ask?

I said, how is it affecting me?

He goes, the thyroid is making you fat.

I go, the thyroid is making me fat.

He goes, no, you're doing things too,

but the thyroid is really helping.

I go, so what do we got to do?

He said, we've got to speed your thyroid up.

I said, let's get that bitch moving, right.

So it's been a year and a half now

and I lost 24 pounds from it.

But it wasn't me, it was the medication.

It's not me.

And I've lost... like my body's in much better shape

than it's ever been, but my fucking head is fat as shit.

And I don't know...

I don't know how to...

I look like a fucking thumb.

Do you know how hard it is to lose a fat head?

It's almost impossible.

I used to box.

There's tricks when you want to lose weight

from your body in boxing, you could put on a garbage bag

and you go sit in the sauna and you sweat it off.

Let me give you some friendly advice,

you can't do that with your head.

I know, I found out the hard way.

I was like, you know what, I got this.

I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw it over my big stupid head.

I'm not an idiot, I cut a hole from my nose.

It was a substantial hole.

And I went sat in the sauna.

But I forgot when you have a larger nose and you inhale,

you tend to suck up more than the average human.

And I took a deep breath in the sauna

and sucked up the plastic bag.

And my friends thought I was trying to commit suicide

in the dumbest way possible.

But when I got fat, I got like a weird kind.

Indian people, we get the worst kind of fat.

Like, it just goes everywhere.

Like, white people, do you ever see

white Americans when they get fat, it's just bam, a belly.

And you can't tell from behind. Hey, look at the white guy.

He turns around and, like, hello.

But Indians, it just shows up in the weirdest places.

Like, I started to grow tits, but not in front, on the side.

I don't know what the fuck they were going, but...

I was growing side tits and they were like arm rests.

I was walking around after a while, I was...