Black Christmas

It was just here a second ago.

Oh, shoot. I can't find it.

Oh, I remember now.

Oh, God. Teri. Here's yours.

- I forgot about it until now. - Got more cheese, bitches!

Whoo!

Yes.

I don't think it's gonna be as good as the ones that you wanted.

Wait, where's Lindsay?

Um, I think I saw her at the library earlier.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Those are so cute.

Teri?

Hey, Oona, what's up?

Hey, where are you?

I'm heading to the lot.

Wait, you're not coming back?

I told my grandma I'd be home for breakfast in the morning.

But I was your secret Santa,

and I got the perfect Lindsay gift.

Guess what it is.

I don't know. What?

Lindsay. Think.

Perfect gift.

Oh, my God.

You told me yours disappeared,

and every girl needs a little self-care.

Now you'll never need a man.

Well, at least I got something to look forward to

next semester.

Love you, Lindsay. Have a great break.

Love you too.

What?

Help! Help! Please, let me in. Please. Help me!

- Hey, wait, wait, wait. - Not you!

- All of us! - Thank God.

Pick up, pick up.

Oh, shit.

Please, help me!

Please, help! Please!

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Oh, God.

No.

No.

Please. I'm sorry, whatever I did...

Help!

Help!

Mmm.

Claudette, you're killing me.

I'm up.

I'm up.

I have a final in ten minutes and I can't find my DivaCup.

How do you lose a DivaCup?

With abandon.

Riley, what the heck?

I had no idea you were so good on stage.

Why am I singing tonight? It should be you.

Where did you find that?

Kris sent it to me.

She said that watching

the woman who inspired our song would inspire me.

But it just made me realize I'm the B-team.

"B" as in brilliant, or bodacious, or breathtaking, or...

I'm running out of Bs.

Yeah, no. Barely able to keep it together because I'm so nervous?

The day of that performance I totally lost my voice and I couldn't sing.

- What did you do? - I was doing everything.

I was gargling salt water, I was drinking tea,

I was rubbing peppermint oil

all over my body, but...

my big sister Becks gave me this.

It's been passed down from Mu to Mu for generations

and it's meant to give whatever sister has it courage.

I swear to God, the second I put it in my hair,

my voice came back.

- Whoa. - Calories, please.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who gets nervous.

Here.

Wait, are you... Are you giving this to me?

Mmm-hmm.

As your designated big sister,

it's my job to take care of you.

- That's what I'm gonna do. - Wow.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah. Yeah, no, no.

I know I said I'd call you back,

but it's only been 15 minutes.

Hey, Ri.

I gave you that comb.

Here, the dress I borrowed from you

all nice, clean, ready for the orphans' dinner tomorrow.

Hold on.

Is it bad we're calling it "orphans" ' dinner

since you're a...

Wait, my parents are dead?

I...

I'm kidding. You can totally call it the "orphans" ' dinner.

Phew! Okay, good. 'Cause I thought it sounded cute,

like, Dickensian or something.

Where do you want me to put this?

Oh, you can keep it. I never wear it anymore.

Christmas is the time for looking sexy, Riley.

I thought that was Halloween.

- Technically, it's every holiday. - Ho, ho, ho!

Can someone figure out

how to turn that thing off?

It, like, woke me up at 4:00 in the morning.

Thank you.

I'll leave it here for you for when you change your mind.

- I won't. - You will.

I won't.

Bye. Have a good break.

Bye, Riley.

"Men, bonding together,

"invented culture as a defense against female nature.

"Sky-cult was the most sophisticated step in this process,

"for its switch of the creative locus from earth to sky

"is a shift from belly magic to head magic.

"And from this defensive head magic

"has come the spectacular glory of male civilization,

"which has lifted woman with it.

"The very language and logic modern woman uses to assail patriarchal culture

"were the invention of men."

Now, who here can tell me what they think this writer is trying to suggest?

Miss Stone.

Um...

I think that he's saying that women think with their instincts

and men think with their brains,

and that women live in men's worlds whether they like it or not.

You said "he." What makes you think the author is a man?

It may surprise you to know

that the writer is one Dr. Camille...

...Paglia.

Now, I just wanted to show you

that there is no way of writing

that is inherently male or female.

And it's very difficult for me to do my job,

teaching the curriculum, which does happen to contain many white male writers,

when there's a petition circulating to have me fired.

I have no nefarious plot to secret away knowledge from you.

There are no covert meetings in hidden rooms where men discuss how to bury women.

You, or more likely, your parents,

are paying a great deal of money for you to study the proper classics.

And it's my job to present them to you.

Enjoy your winter breaks.

And a Merry Christmas to you all.

Hi there, do you wanna sign my petition against Professor Gelson

and the ruthless misogyny of higher education...

Hi, do you wanna sign my petition?

It's against Professor Gelson.

I don't know.

I just don't really feel like dealing with my mom right now.

She's just...

It doesn't surprise me at all that my dad left her.

Anyways, I'm excited to spend the break with you guys.

A little less excited for the dance tonight at DKO, but...

Are you sure you're cool with us doing it?

...higher education.

Hi! Gelson's going down.

Would you like to sign my t... Okay.

Fifty signatures and counting,

and this is the beginning of winter break

when, traditionally, no one cares about anything.

You already got the college to remove

the founder's bust from the administration building.

Isn't that enough crusading for one semester, Kris?

No. Calvin Hawthorne was a racist and a sexist.

He owned slaves. In the north.

Seriously. He was into the dark arts and shit.

I read he, like, killed disobedient women

in ritual sacrifices to male pagan gods.

Oh, my God, Kris. You actually believe that?

It's not like they destroyed the frickin' thing.

The Dekes took it to their frat and now they can junk off onto it.

And no one has to see it.

Everyone wins.

- Where are you going? - Work.

Ooh, cool. I need coffee.

I still don't understand

why you wanna get him fired so bad.

'Cause he went totally crazy on me

when all I did was ask why his syllabus has no women on it,

or queer people on it, trans people on it, people of color on it.

Yeah, but, I mean, are we just supposed to not study the classics?

Whose classics are they?

'Cause they're not mine.

Will you at least sign my petition?

You of all people should care.

What happened to Riley is a completely different thing

than what happened to you, Kris.

I am just saying that she might wanna get involved

because she understands that if we let men get away with

- this sort of behavior... - "She" is right here, you guys.

Let men get away with this sort of behavior,

then they'll get away with everything.

They already do.

I thought we were sisters.

No? Fine. I get it.