The Office

What the hell? No, this is not happening.

Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon.

Come on, Stanley!

Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today,

and he was really on top of it.

Weeks ago, he started

the Stairmageddon awareness campaign.

The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically,

for a day that hopefully comes once in 100 years.

It's a "mageddon!"

Come on! Come on, Stanley.

Stay in it!

I put 17 damn years into this company,

and now they're making me climb stair mountain!

Come on!

Our office has an unusually large number of

unusually large people.

- This is an abomination. - Come on. You got this.

So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens,

and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort,

we have to compare it to the end of time.

Red alert! Red alert!

The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.

What?

I just got a text from my brother.

There's a review of the documentary.

- What does it say? - I don't know, Phyllis.

I just got the text and started screaming, "Red alert."

Well, the alert was already set to "red"

because of Stairmageddon.

You think I should set it to "double red"?

I think we should.

"The Office: An American workplace

"airing on PBS next month is a documentary following

the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin paper company!"

Whoo!

"In this series, which will air starting in May,

"we get an in-depth look

"at many interesting local people.

"There's Kevin Malone, the Falstaffian accountant.

"Dwight Schrute, the head salesman

forever chasing a manager position he will never get."

What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business?

He works for a news...

thing.

"Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund

"child-slash-middle manager,

"whose incompetence is emblematic

of a declining American economy."

Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's--

It's okay. The hell does he know?

"A possible explanation for his lack of career focus

is his surprising musical talent."

- I want you to print that out for me. - I will.

Now that this documentary is coming out,

my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited.

And you know what? Good.

Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life.

I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb.

"Though it mostly focuses

"on the daily realities of office life,

"a lurid subplot reveals

"the hypocrisy of a local public figure

embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values."

Oh. Which public figure?

I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.

No, I think they mean more like a politician.

You own the building.

Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night?

Who do I look like, Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience.

You should've called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby.

It's time to go out on a sale!

- Here we go. - Son, you've lost your mind.

I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator.

The buyer is your sister's friend.

This is the printing paper

for the entire school district of Lackawanna.

You are coming, and that's an order.

You are not my damn boss and you never will be!

Guess what?

Never gonna happen!

Pete, iced tea. Three sugars, five creams.

Your morning 3x5.

Coming right up.

Well, we won't be late.

I love you, mom. Thanks.

Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight.

So what are you two up to?

Oh, um, Embassy suites.

"Do not disturb" sign on the door.

Mommy and daddy are on the floor.

I wish.

What, then?

Oh, nothing that exciting.

Marriage counseling?

Hmm.

Did you know that is the only kind of counseling

I have never had?

You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it,

but I think it could really help.

Mmm. I mean, we're having issues.

It can't hurt to talk about them, right?

Hey, Toby.

Um, I wanted to ask you a question.

Oh, sure.

It's a little, uh, personal.

Let's do it. Let's get personal.

I wanted to talk to you about your divorce.

Whoa.

Sorry. I-- no, no, no, what I meant--what I meant--

Oh, yeah, no, it's okay. I can handle it.

Um, so...

you guys obviously went through some tough times

leading up to it.

Okay.

I was wondering if you ever did any couples counseling?

Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah.

Wait, you and Pam aren't in couples counseling, are you?

Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, we're just starting couples counseling.

Uh, which doesn't sound any better.

Oh, you guys.

Kelly called it.

2013.

So s--hey!

Hey, hey, no! No. Get outta here.

- Clark, get outta here. - My mistake.

Yes, it is your mistake.

He's lingering. So annoying.

I'm gonna kill him.

- How can I help? I'm here. - That's all right.

Hello, William Morris Agency.

I need to speak with your best agent

who represents your biggest stars.

Yes, I'll hold.

I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Good-bye.

Thank you, Stan.

Oh, honey.

Look, I just want our life to get back to normal.

Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.

Don't worry, I've scheduled a press conference for later today.

We just need to face the cameras together.

A beloved public servant and his devoted wife.

And move on.

All right, if I have to be the good wife,

I'll be the best damn wife there is.

Correction. Best darn wife.

Sorry. I'm a better wife than that.

Andy-- I need to talk to you.

Yeah, come on in.

I'm just on hold with another talent agency.

It's insane.

This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already.

And every time I click, there's more.

251.

252. I can't even keep up!

Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call.

I hate people!

Why do they never do what you need them to do?

Stanley has to go. That's final.

So what I'm hearing you say is,

"Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible"?

Yes!

I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just

I'm about to land a top talent agent.

Mm-hmm. Good luck.

Directory?

Movie star department.

Back. Directory.

For five years I've held my instincts in check

because I wanted to be made manager.

Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go.

It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way.

Now it's all about my instincts.

Hey, Dwight.

Stanley,

one way or another,

you are gonna come with me to make this sale.

Pass.

Hey, c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next?

Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer.

Nothing to be alarmed about.

It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.

Dwight, you do not learn, do you?

For a threat to be credible, you ha--

Holy shit.

No, you didn't.

Sick of you and your--ooh--

It's all right. Andy approved it.

Man, he's really in Twinkle Town now.

Is he gonna be okay?

I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like,

two to three times larger than him?

Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull,

and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.

- You gave him three shots. - Shh.

Got about 45 minutes

to get him to the client before he comes to.