Weird Science

This is so beautiful.

You know it, Gary.

Look at her.

Do you know what I would like to do?

Shower with them.

Then, bang! We hit the city, baby, dead on.

For a little drinks, a little nightlife, a little dancing.

Dancing.

We throw a huge party, I mean, huge party.

Everybody's invited, women everywhere.

All these girls, they're all there.

- Naked bodies everywhere. - Gary.

- They all know my name. - Gary!

- What? - Nobody likes us. Nobody.

Why are you messing with the fantasy?

We know about the reality. Don't ruin the fantasy, OK?

And then, we're hip, man. We're popular. We're revered.

- Man... - We're studs.

When the smoke clears, right,

those two dames

fall amazingly, completely and totally in love with us, Wyatt.

Check it out.

Yo! Check us out!

Look, we're sorry about...

'Down. Down, you fool.'

You know, this isn't very scary, Gary.

"I Spit On Your Grave" is scary. This is, um...

It's very mild. It's timid, you know.

The old stuff is more funny than scary.

I believe the word is "camp". It's campy.

'The moon's rising. We've no time to lose.'

You ever see "Dawn of the Dead"? "Dawn of the Dead" scared me.

It really scared me. I slept with my parents for a week, OK?

I had to call my grandmother in the night

to discuss my childhood with her for three hours.

I was really petrified.

'He's just resting, waiting for a new life to come.'

That would've been so much cooler if Dr. Frankenstein had made a girl.

Don't burn the butter, alright? Ticks me off.

I mean... I personally would've made a girl, you know.

They did make a girl, "The Bride of Frankenstein".

- I think it was released in '35. - It was '34, alright?

She was a scag, Wyatt, she had, like, electric hair.

If they made her beautiful, she wouldn't go out with the monster.

That's a good point.

'...his insane ambition to create life.'

- Where'd your parents go, anyway? - Cincinnati.

They're meeting the guy that my sister wants to marry.

Chloe? Who the hell would marry Chloe?

He's studying to be a vet.

Try not to make a mess in there, Gary. The maid doesn't come till Monday.

I don't understand something, Wyatt.

How come your parents trust you? They never let you do shit before.

Chet's coming home from college for the weekend. They trust him.

He's in charge.

Chet? Oh, shit!

I can't believe this, Wyatt.

I really wish that you told me this before I agreed to sleep over.

You know how I feel about Chet. How do you put up with that guy?

If I don't, he beats the shit out of me.

It's a habit he picked up in military school.

How do you put up with that putz?

What can I say? He's very protective of me.

Nice relationship.

'...there you have his mad dream.

'Look! There's nothing to fear.

'Look... no blood, no decay, just a few stitches.

'Go on. Fix the electrodes.

'You'll have plenty to be afraid of before the night's over.

'The storm will be magnificent.

'All the electrical secrets of heaven.

'And this time we're ready. Hey, Fritz?

'Let's have one final test. Throw the switches.'

'Here in this machine, I have discovered the great ray

'that first brought life into the world.

'And, look, here's the final touch.

'The brain you stole, Fritz. Think of it.

'The brain of a dead man waiting to live again

'in a body I made with my own hands...'

- You know, that's not a bad idea. - What?

'In 15 minutes, the storm should be at its height...'

Making a girl.

Actually making a girl.

Just like Frankenstein.

Except cuter.

- You're serious. - Yes.

Look me in the eyes.

Do I look serious?

'You're crazy!' - 'Crazy, am I?

'We'll see whether I'm crazy or not.'

Gary Wallace, that's absolutely gross. That's sick.

I'm not digging up dead girls. It's...

No, I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl, Wyatt.

I'm talking about your system, idiot. Your computer.

OK, you know how you're always talking how you can simulate all that stuff

on your computer, you know?

What's the difference? Why can't we simulate a girl?

I don't know. I guess I could, but why?

It's two-dimensional on the screen. It's not flesh and blood, Gary.

I know that, but we can use it, Wyatt. We can ask it questions.

We can put it in real-life sexual situations and see how it reacts.

Like real sick, demented shit. You'd love it.

Well, what about your girl in, um... Canada?

She lives in Canada. This girl has no morals. I don't like that in a girl.

It's rough having those kind of relationships. You'll see.

Anyway, get to work.

Very nice.

I'm telling you, Wyatt. If there's one thing I know, it's female stats.

Anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained tongue.

You know, and...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Perfect. - OK. Now what?

Should we give her a brain?

- Yeah. We can play chess with her. - Chess?

Just give her a brain, OK?

OK, that's about all we can do with my stuff.

I can't believe this shit. I can't believe this.

Did you get a free toaster with this, too?

Gary, it's smarter than you, OK?

- The problem is, it's a lame idea, OK? - It's not a lame idea.

The problem is your computer's a wimp and we need a lot more power than this.

What do you suggest?

'We have code penetration, we have program entry.

'I repeat, we have code penetration, we have program entry.

'Activate LAN trace.'

We're in.

We're in trouble, Gary.

This is highly illegal.

Well, you need more input. We got to fill this thing up with data.

We gotta make her as real as possible, Wyatt.

I want her to live, I want her to breathe.

I want her to aerobicize.

'It's live! All Dave, all night!

'We know what you need. Only right here on Dave TV!'

Look at this. It's moving, it's working. It's doing itself.

It's working by itself.

Gary?

By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?

Ceremonial.

- You ready? - Yeah. Let's go.

- Turn it off! - It is off!

Hang up the phone!

- Wyatt, what's going on? - I don't know!

- Well, unplug it! - OK!

Oh, shit!

No! It was a birthday present!

Oh, shit!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

Oh, shit! We got to get this thing out of your house!

You get it out! It was your idea!

This is all your fault, you son of a bitch!

Hit the lights out! You get it out!

I'll get it out!

- Whoa! - Aargh!

Ah, shit!

One, two, three.

'She's alive. Alive!'

So... what would you little maniacs like to do first?

You guys created me. I didn't come from anywhere.

Before you started messing around with your computer, I didn't even exist.

By the way... you did an excellent job. Thank you.

Hello?

Showering's real fun, isn't it?

If we're going to have any kind of fun together,

you guys had better loosen up.

What are we going to do with her?

Look... we'll just go with the situation, OK?

I'm sure by Sunday, you'll think of something.

You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you, OK?

- Alright? - I'm just being practical.

Well, I know you are, OK? And I appreciate it.

Let's go.

What are we going to do about this mess?

Wyatt, you'll have plenty of time to clean up tomorrow, OK?

OK, but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'll kill me.

- Where are we going, anyway? - I dunno.

She said we're going to go downtown... Oh, my God! Whose stuff is this?

- Is that your suit? Wait, is this yours? - Oh, shit.

Holy shit! Wyatt, what's going on here?

- Gary, I don't know! - I don't know what's going on here!

You look good, though, alright?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- So, did you steal this car? - No, I didn't steal the car.

How'd you get it?

I can get anything I want.

- And right now, I want to party. - Party?

Yeah, and you better think up a name for me, too.

What name do you want?

You guys created me, you think of a name for me.

How about Lisa?

Why Lisa?

Why not?