American Horror Story

Think it's ready for bullets.

Oh, boy.

My head hurts when you get all existential and shit.

This morning the Wi-Fi shuts down for no reason.

Took me forever to get it back up.

Then I waited five minutes for my coffee.

Five minutes!

But you got through it, bro.

You faced it head on and you came out the other side.

I'm proud of you.

On the way home,

I'm in the left lane at the intersection.

I missed the left turn arrow, but then the light

turns from arrow to green.

The car in front of me just sits there.

Doesn't pull into the intersection.

The driver doesn't get that a green light means

you can make a fucking left-hand turn

if there's no oncoming traffic,

even without a fucking left-hand turn arrow.

He doesn't move.

The driver needs the fucking arrow.

People have to be pointed in the exact fucking direction.

When did everyone become so fucking stupid?!

I don't know. Maybe they weren't so smart to begin with.

Nothing works.

All of this just needs to end.

The worst part is,

I just realized,

I hate this fucking coffee.

This coffee tastes like burnt asshole.

Why is this called signature roast?

Who is signing for this shit?

Okay, dude.

It's not about the coffee, bro. It's about Michael.

Don't even bring him up.

Our little lost Antichrist.

Show some respect, bro. He's the son of Satan.

Well, Satan might want to get a paternity test.

We've only been waiting for this dude our whole lives

to put an end to all this bullshit.

Give us a world that's worth the hate.

And what does he say when he gets here?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Cut him some slack, okay?

Even Jesus needed time to figure shit out.

That's why he went to the desert, bro.

The freaking desert? You're saying that's where Michael is?

- The freaking desert? - No.

I don't know where the fuck he is.

I'm just saying, maybe he needs time

to get his head together, you know?

- Maybe he's looking for a sign. - A sign?

All the guy needs to do is look around.

The world is a raging clusterfuck.

And we need to burn this motherfucker to the ground!

Wipe the slate clean and start over.

This time do it right.

You asked me to remind you

about the Cooperative meeting next week.

Right.

This is the reminder.

Consider us duly reminded. Thanks, Ms. Venable.

Anything else?

You promised to give me more agency in day-to-day matters.

This would be a good opportunity.

- What is this Cooperative? - Uh...

You heard of movers and shakers?

These are the people that make them shake and move.

That visitor you had last week.

Is he a member?

Not exactly.

There must be a part I can play here.

With The Cooperative.

Trust us, that's not your domain, Ms. Venable.

But, for our flight, could you get us those stewardesses

we had last time? From Mile High Escorts?

- Oh, shit, yes. Yeah.

Do I need to remind you that I was the first person

you hired when this company was operating

out of the back of a van?

I have given you everything I have.

Every second of every day.

I've sacrificed any semblance of a personal life.

Friendships. Family. I don't even have a decent hobby.

Ms. Venable, there's an old saying.

"If you aren't where you want to be,

just look in the mirror."

Are you actually referring

- to my disability? - No.

Your scoliosis isn't the problem, Ms. Venable.

It's the chip on your shoulder.

But we still love you.

Mile High Escorts, please.

Make your own arrangements. I'm done here.

Whatever.

She'll calm down; she always does.

She just gave me a great fucking idea.

A way through all of our Antichrist issues.

Improved By: FidelPerez Sub Upload Date: November 10, 2018

You're pushing too hard.

I don't get it; I used to be able to do this.

You're exhausting yourself, dear.

Try to relax. Don't force it.

Witchcraft is an art.

But our powers only develop as fast as our cerebellum allows.

So just give it time.

That's all we're saying.

What if we don't have time?

Michael told you he was coming to kill us all.

We'll be fine as long as we stay here, in this house.

I put all of Robichaux under the protection of an aura shield.

Every witch will be safe,

but any human, demon, or other will find it impossible

to step through our front door.

We can't always control

the energies around us.

Negative emotions, sickness,

toxic people, unwanted spirits.

These things are unavoidable.

Like the clap at Plato's Retreat.

But the Guardian's Chalice

is our first line of defense against all of that.

Uh, a bear trap for bad juju.

You just stash one in or around a space

you want to protect...

And even that's not gonna be enough.

Not without this dope-ass mantra to recite before.

That's gonna put all of the power into these jars of junk.

Everyone repeat after me. We'll do it together.

Any unwanted spirits and negative energy,

you must leave now.

Any evil presences, leave this space.

Only light and healing energy is allowed in here...

Negative energies,

you must leave now.

Evil presences, leave this space.

Only light and healing energy is allowed here.

Clearly that mantra's bullshit.

Oh, come on, you can't be that surprised to see me.

Fuck no, you were prophesized, darling.

Up yours.

I told Cordelia what I was gonna do to all of you.

I have deaths to avenge.

Mead?!

How the fuck are you here?!

I was built for this.

(DISTORTED) Shit!

Oh, God. It's him.

We need to leave before Michael finds his way up here.

- No, we need to stop him. - We have to keep you safe.

I don't understand; our sisters are dying.

There is nothing you can do to help; you are not ready.

He is going to kill you,

and I can't let that happen.

- (GIRL WHIMPERING) - (GUNSHOTS)

So... we good?

Better than good.

I'll put in a word with my father.

Satan just greenlit your talk show for 13 episodes.

We failed.

Again.

The witches we actually wanted to kill got away.

Cordelia fucked with me and my people, and for that,

all I wanted was to watch her die, but instead...

You're angry, and I understand,

but this is still a victory.

And besides, your destiny is to end the world

with a rain of fire.

Killing those witches ain't gonna do that.

You were the one who said the way to end the world

was with magic.

You said either the witches and warlocks stood behind us

or we kill them.

Well, that was our plan before,

maybe we need to change course.

What does that even mean?

- This guy's a fucking mess. - Yeah.

Don't even get me started on his hair.

Why don't we just focus on getting him to end the world?

Okay. Yeah. Tell him to burn this motherfucker to the ground.

Yeah.

It's time to burn the sucker down,

and you don't need magic for that.

And besides, when you end the world,

you end the witches.

Come on.

Michael, think bigger.

I... I have actually been thinking

about some other possible avenues.

See, that's great. Like what?

Maybe I could run for president.

Okay.

Yeah, that could be problematic for a lot of reasons.

You look barely old enough to rent a car.

Sure, but I could start out as an ambassador

and then I'd become

one of the president's most trusted advisors.

What the fuck is he talking about?

I think I know, and it's not good.