Tom Segura: Mostly Stories

I love being a stand-up comedian.

It's the best job in the world.

And I love being an L.A. comic.

Bam!

Alfred the assassin.

As a comic, what you're supposed to do is live your life and report it.

Anytime I do something nice for you,

- you shit on me! - When is that?!

I love the whole process.

You have a little dick.

Writing. Performing.

Figuring out how to make a joke work.

It's the best.

But most of all, I love meeting the people of this city.

- They always inspire me. - Hey!

Tom Segura!

Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!

You have to do it!

I love them. They have nothing but admiration for me.

Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.

I just know there's no stopping us.

Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here?

What's up, fat boy?

- 'Sup? - Making a food show, bitch?

- No. - You should.

Bam! 'Cause you fat as fuck!

This fat motherfucker right here, man.

- You got pancake titties. - You do!

Fuck this city. I'm re-shooting this thing.

Eat a dick, Paul Blart.

This fat motherfucker, man.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!

- -

What up?

Thank you! Thank you, guys.

Thank you very much.

It's great to be in Seattle.

- - Yes.

One of my favorite places, and I am fucking falling apart.

All right, um...

I hate who I'm becoming, socially.

Like, all my social interactions,

I'm disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.

Like, I start weather chats with people all the time now,

like, ugh.

I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport,

I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"

And I swear, there's another voice in my head going,

"You're a piece of shit for this conversation."

What's the guy supposed to say? He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."

"It does.

And you're a real piece of shit for this, just so you know."

I wanted to abort, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.

Like, "I'm from Southern California, we sure could use it."

- -

And he was like, "I'll run us off the fucking road.

I'll kill us both, I swear to God I will."

God forbid I meet a tall person now, like...

If you're over six-four,

there's no way I'm not addressing it. I'm gonna be like,

- "Wow, you're tall." -

"Do you like basketball? Yeah? Is that your thing?

I have a friend that's tall."

Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that's tall.

Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?"

- "I bet he's stronger than your dad." -

Ugh.

It's better than my dad's actual small talk,

which is awkwardly racial small talk.

It's not racist, but it involves race. Um...

Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she's Asian.

- My dad will be like, "You Chinese?" -

And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."

"Oh, I was in Vietnam."

- And I'm like... -

"What are you doing?"

"What? I was." "I know. What does that have to do with anything?"

Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean."

- I'm like, "Oh, man." -

Well...

"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes, we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."

Dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the fuck down, okay?

'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...

Dude, I see it. A black guy starts talking to us and my dad'll be like...

I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.

And I'm like, "How weird are you about to be with him?"

He looks like a dog, when you show a dog a treat and you're like, "Sit still."

And the dog's like...

"I work with a black guy!"

- Ohh. Ohh. -

Oh, man.

"Yeah, Carl. You know him? I don't know..."

Thought you knew each other. I don't know.

"I don't know him. He works in the building."

You're like, "Fuck."

Jesus.

Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad. Isn't that crazy?

I know. Well...

You know, not my fucking problem. You know what I mean? Um...

- - That's your kid. So...

No, I'm gonna stick around. I wanna see what it looks and stuff.

- - Just for a second. But...

So crazy, man. All I did was, I didn't pull out.

- And then... -

Now I'm gonna be a dad. So nuts.

Isn't that crazy? As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then...

there's life? That's a pretty crude way of putting that. I'm sorry. But...

that's what happens.

Let's just talk about how good that feels. I...

Dude, I've been pulling out for years.

And no comp... No orgasm... You don't have an org...

and you're like, "Oh, that sucks." Like, it's still...

It feels great. But when you leave it in?

Dude.

Here's all I'm saying.

If you're a pull-out guy, next time? Don't.

Even if she tells you to. Be like, "I forgot."

And she'll whine about it.

"What if I'm pregnant?

My career!"

And you'll be like, "Is law school on hold? All right."

"Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut."

Guys! I'm joking. I'm joking.

- - Joke.

- I'm not joking. But... -

God, it feels so good!

I can't even... I can't even describe how much better it feels.

The best I've come up with is, remember when you were a kid,

and the first time you tried something with melted cheese,

- and you were like, "What the fuck?" -

"This is the same thing?" And they're like, "Same shit."

And you're like, "This is amazing!"

I can have this whenever I want?" "Mm-hm. Whenever you want.

Just eight, ten seconds and it's your world, man."

You're like, "Oh, my God!"

- It's like that, but down here. -

Feels so good.

Ohh. Here's what a piece of shit I am.

I...

I have been fantasizing a lot

about people asking me

how I lost the weight that I haven't lost yet.

And, like, I just have so many answers.

Like, I really enjoy doing...

In my head, I'm like, "Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."

"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.

I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I've never felt better.

I have so much energy. If I can do it, you can do it."

And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have...

- -

Like, "Well, next year I'll probably be ready for this conversation."

Fucking asshole.

I don't even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy.

I don't. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.

And know for sure that they're fatter than me.

'Cause, like, sometimes... Now I'm like anybody,

I'll be like, "Look at this fat fucking asshole."

And someone'll be like, "You're fatter."

And I'm like, "Oh. Really?" And they're like, "By a lot!"

"You should want his body." And I'm like, "Ah, fuck, man."

Since I'm gonna have a kid, I don't want to be the fat dad.

Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade?

You're like, "Hey, look at Billy's fat fuckin' dad."

"Fuckin'..."

"Just fuckin' batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"

Just don't want to be that guy.

I got a trainer.

They gave me a trainer. That's a better way of saying that.

I joined a gym, and they go, "Do you want a free training session?"

I was like, "Okay. What does it normally cost?"

And they're like, "Like $900."

I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal. That's awesome."

The first session is a bait session. It's ridiculous.

The guy's like, "Stand up."

Like, "Okay." He's like, "Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."

"Were you pro before?"

I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."

He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great." I'm like...

He's like, "Want to do this all the time?" I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.

This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot."

Second session, way different than the first session.

Second session, I'm doing burpies.

Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block.

I'm running through sand pushing a sled.

"And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?"

In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes "Stop!"

And I said, "Thank you."

He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"

And I go, "Yeah, so you don't have to give me CPR, I think."