Meet the Blacks

Hey, guys. Tonight is the Purge...

and I want all of my white friends to be safe.

Rules of the Purge. You have 12 hours...

to do any crime you want against anyone you want.

You can shoot, kill, stab.

Twelve hours of death, mayhem.

Lock your doors. Protect yourself.

Make sure your rent is paid...

and all of your pets are put up.

But the most important rule of all...

stay tight, stay white...

and this is only gonna last one night.

Let the games begin.

All right, I wasn't gonna do this, but forget it.

Here goes nothing.

This is a story about the worst day of my life.

Well, one of them.

See, I was wiring shit,

car stereos, alarms, you name it.

Don't Hate Wiring, that's my company.

And that's me, Carl Black.

You see this ugly cat right here?

That's Key Flo, a big-time drug dealer.

One day while working on his alarm...

Key Flo got busted.

They took his ass far away.

What they didn't know was in his house was a lot of money.

So I took it as a payment for all the work I did.

With a payday like this...

it was time to move.

Well, I did owe a few people in Chicago a few things...

but no one's tripping.

So I loaded up the family and got the hell out of Chicago.

Leaving Chicago before the Purge...

was the greatest thing I ever done.

I met this cool dude on the Internet...

who helped us qualify for this big-ass house in Beverly Hills.

I might've falsified a few things...

but, hey, this is for my family.

Those are my kids.

My son Carl Jr. thinks he's a damn vampire.

Think again, buddy.

And this dummy with this do-rag?

That's my little cousin Cronut.

He went to jail for some parking tickets...

and now he think he's a gangster.

Ride my mustache.

That's my beautiful wife.

Did I mention the greatest thing about my move?

Rich people don't purge.

Getting the hell out of Chicago...

was the best thing ever.

Well, here's how the worst day started.

Hey, come on, man!

Hey, how you doing, sir?

- You lost? - I beg your pardon?

Man, you gotta be. Check this out.

Go right down here, make a U-turn...

then you can pull right out, and you'll get back...

to wherever it is you need to get to.

- I live here. - No. No, I'm serious, man.

I live right there at Cherry Blossom.

- I'm Carl Black. - Black?

You said Carl Black?

I just moved from Chicago.

Man, listen, I'm gonna be real with you, man.

Don't no niggas live here, man.

I'm the nigga that living here!

I'm the new nigga that living here, all right?

Save me some trouble, man.

We've been having all these break-ins...

and the rappers dance, loud mus... rims.

Come on, man. Look at you, man.

You can't live here, man. Go on and make...

Don't fucking try to play me like this!

I live here! I'm fucking crazy!

Look at my eye right here.

- Forest Whitaker eye. - Okay, you're right. I see.

I found it. You're right.

Carl Black. Right here. Carl Black.

- You said I can go? - My bad, man.

Thank you, brother.

Have a nice day, man. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Bitch.

Please don't tell me your ass is in California.

Don't call my phone no more.

You told me you were going to the store!

- I'm married now. - You're married?

You keep blowing up... Look, you pissing me off...

to the highest of "pisstivity."

"Pisstivity" ain't even a word, dumb-ass.

Shoranda, I don't wanna be over at your house...

with all them kids over there smelling like urine.

I know you didn't just say that about my kids.

You bitch, nigga!

Come out! Come to me!

Everybody is gonna come in your house...

they're gonna fuck you!

I've traveled a long way to find you.

Hey! Caesar!

Don't try to play me.

You're Carl Black from Chicago, right?

Yeah, and you're Caesar from The Planet of the Apes, right?

Do I look like a fucking joke to you?

- Yeah. - Consider yourself served.

Hey, man! Don't hit me with no... don't do that!

Don't do that.

You're harassing me.

You're at my mansion. I'm in Beverly Hills.

No, don't do that.

If you didn't do nothing wrong...

if you was a perfect human being...

none of this shit would happen.

- I wouldn't have to be here. - I ain't did nothing wrong!

You're racial profiling me!

You're too black to profile another black person.

- What's wrong? - "Do I think you're black"?

Look at me and look at you!

- We are both black people. - You are black as fuck.

What the fuck? Don't say that.

Don't put that Ebola finger in my face.

- No-- - Look at your feet.

What the fuck is wrong with my feet?

You think this shit is a game?

You fucking redbone bitch...

don't ever disrespect my feet like that again.

- I'm not disrespecting you. - Yes, you are...

and it's because of your company...

that Don't Hate Wiring...

that has destroyed the best restaurant...

- No, don't-- - Not just restaurant.

African restaurant in the city of Chicago!

Who else have you fucked up?

I done wired all these different houses.

I'm from the hood. I made it out of there.

We wired Bishop Tutu's hut.

We wired ldi Amin's bathroom.

So get on out of here, man.

You're very disrespectful.

- Well, you bitch nigga. - No, you're a bitch nigga.

And whatever container you came in...

and whatever trunk they smuggled your black ass in...

take your ass back.

Hey, who are you talking to?

- Bitch. - Hey!

- Don't touch! - Throw them keys again.

Don't touch me! Hey, my hand!

Fuck you, you redbone bitch.

- Fuck you. - You haven't made it yet...

you punk-bitch nigga.

Your mother's dick is bigger than yours.

You're the only nigga in this neighborhood...

that is still on welfare.

Yes, I Googled you.

Get the fuck off the door.

Don't worry, Lestat.

We will teach them all!

As the purging descends...

the vampires will take their rightful place...

as the leaders of the-- shit!

Man.

- What the fuck! - Intruder! Intruder!

- Punk-ass alert- - What the hell is that?

Punk-ass alert.

- Yeah. - Carl's Jr., get this shit out of here!

Carl's Jr.!

I'll bite your neck.

Little bad motherfucker.

I'm getting rid of these damn kids.

Is anybody here?

I mean, we done really came up.

We in a mansion, girl.

- Damn, girl! - I know!

Girl, what your daddy do to leave Chicago?

I don't know what my father's doing...

but he done did something really, really dope.

Baby!

Tell me about your husband. Your husband play football?

Well, my baby owns an electronic wiring company...

and he just landed this huge account.

That's why we're here.

And what he does is he goes to people's houses...

he wires people's cars...

and he just landed this amazing new client.

That's why we can live here.

- How long you been here? - Girl, three days.

What do you do all day...

Ming, I take care of his kids.

- You see this house? - Hey.

Hey, baby!

Damn, you haven't finished unpacking?

You're out here getting your nails done...

and looking all good and...

- And what's going on? - I'm getting a manicure.

- Plum wine. - You're looking good, too.

Lord, Jesus! Baby.

All for you, my love.

Good lord, give me some of that Chinese--

My fault. I'm sorry, I can't play a little bit?

- Stop playing. - She wanted a nigga.