The Simpsons

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You know your life sucks. Just get drunk like you always do.

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What is this, and how can I make the rest of my life about it?

Only on Fox.

I can't see!

D'oh!

Hmm?

Uh... (clears throat)

Sir? Yes?

Uh, well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

Ah, yes, the day of the great Chicago massacre.

Uh, and our employees have requested to leave early

to be with their loved ones.

Of course, uh, I'll be with you.

Ooh, Smithers. More face hardener.

Never!

Well, if you want to tamp down a potential rebellion,

might I suggest a party after work.

A sweethearts dance, if you will.

Sweet... hearts?

Mmm... tasty.

Excellent.

No, I don't want candy.

It's not candy, it's baby hearts.

Ah...

A sweet hearts dance it is.

Hey, Brandine!

You know how to shake and bake cherub?

Cletus, you know I can fry up whatever you can shoot down.

Oh, Brandine, of all the cousins I coulda married,

you was my sister.

Carl, this is Mandy.

Mandy, isn't Carl everything I said he was?

Okay, Lenny, time to stop talking about Carl.

Why don't you to ask me to stop breathing?

Oh, Marge, it's so great

to combine the two loves of my life: goofing off and you.

Hey, listen, there's one fantasy

I've always wanted to indulge in.

If you're willing.

What are those frisky hounds up to now?

Wait a minute.

That contractor said this was a bottomless pit!

I'll have his license!

Hey, Professor!

I didn't know you worked here at the plant.

I consult.

Sometimes they listen, sometimes not.

People have died. You didn't hear that from me.

So, who are you here with?

Well, no one as yet.

But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm.

Hello there, vo-ivy.

Well, there's, uh, no mistaking that message.

Hello, Homer!

D'oh!

What is it, Dad?

It's Valentine's Day.

I'm alone.

And that cat who can smell if you're dying is staring at me.

What are you looking at?!

Son, I'm scared.

This cat has taken five this year.

People in their 90s don't just suddenly die for no reason.

Please come.

Okay, Dad. We'll come over.

Can you pick me up a pack of diapers?

Oh, for... They always think they're for me.

Fine. I'll just take a large drum of butt ointment.

Hurry!

Uh-oh.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.

I don't see why, unless you found that missing puzzle piece.

How 'bout I put on some music?

Oh, I used to dance with my Auggie to that tune.

Yeah, me and my Bubbeleh made love to that song.

Creating a kid who never visits.

And now back to Prairie Home Companion.

Pull the plug!

No, on me.

Okay, time for some Valentine's candy for our swinging seniors.

Don't patronize us, we know it's pills.

But it's a new brand and they're oh so pretty... look, green.

Like M&M'S with hope.

Oh, it's starting to kick in.

Much... better.

Suddenly, I don't want to kvetch.

I want to kvell!

I can feel all the tension going out of my beard.

Oh...

Oh...

Mona? I thought you were gone.

Nonsense, Abe.

I didn't leave you and I am never going to leave you.

That doesn't sound like the Mona I knew.

I'm the Mona that lives in your memory,

with all the anger turned to honey by nostalgia.

So what you're saying is,

this is really happening.

Do you think it's okay to leave them here?

Marge, all we ever do is leave them here.

I just think there's more we should do.

We could visit your mother.

No. No, you're right. Let's go home.

Check it out, guys.

CVS stands for Cheap Valentines' Surplus.

You get a box! You get a box!

Haven't forgotten about you, suspicious Iranian coworker.

: Please, call me Dennis.

Oh, my gurvy is muh.

Oi... Professor?

Professor, come on, this is a workplace.

Ooh, dregs!

Oh, wow.

Oh, my egg head is pickled, muh-oyvic.

Did you sleep here all night?

Yes, you are right, I did.

Valentine's Day, you see, is quite difficult for me.

I saw that Stephen Hawking movie and all I could think is,

"He's got a girl?" Give me a frickin' break.

Two girls.

Oh, I'll never win

and I'll always have to only be looking.

Listen, pal, I've had plenty of experience with one woman.

And I can tell you,

relationships are just trial and error.

Like anniversaries.

First I tried "don't remember,"

then "remember too late,"

then I happily settled on "make Lisa remember."

And my relationship with Lisa has never been better.

Yes, you say trial and error, eh?

My good man, that is nothing more than the scientific method.

Well, now, that's a little wasteful.

Ah, much better.

I shall use science to uncover the secret to women.

Homer, scientific research

can solve anything except for cold fusion, quasars,

the interior of black holes and what preceded the big bang.

But everything else can be solved, including love.

Pish-posh, Professor.

What makes a guy and a girl click isn't science.

It's chemistry!

Which is science. What?!

See, I have asked an enormous cross-section of women

one single question...

What attracts you to a man?

Let us listen and learn and have some lemonade,

which I just squeezed nicely.

the most important thing that I look for...

I like it when they're tall.

Blue eyes! Definitely wants kids.

Hmm, I didn't hear the last one.

First I'll replace these Coke bottle glasses

with invisible blue contacts.

Mm-hmm.

Next, of course, is shoe lifts for height.

Make you much taller, look down upon people.

It's wonderful. Whoa, whoa...

Hey, look at me. I'm Herman Munster!

Actually, he had Lily, who was quite a dish.

So, do you, uh, find me attractive?

Sorry, but no.

Oh, curse the luck!

And this is an android

that I programmed to say nothing but "yes."

Why? Why? Why?