The Mindy Project

- You know, I thought 500 bucks for four sessions

was kind of a rip-off,

but I think this music class is really helping my son

get his foot in the door of the music industry.

- Now, don't be afraid to share your instruments,

little buddies.

In music, networking is just as important as talent.

I see it as an investment.

This is a great extra-curricular

for Gratitude's preschool applications.

Where's Leo applying?

Preschool? Look at him.

He's just a little blob with eyes.

You mean you haven't started

the preschool application process yet?

Dana and I started looking at schools

before the pregnancy test even came back positive

for little Sriracha.

Why would I spend money on private school

when public school is free?

I mean, why else am I sometimes paying my taxes?

Public school.

Is Leo's father a politician trying to seem less white?

Okay, you know what?

I went to public school and I turned out amazing.

It's also where I learned how to throw a knife.

Yeah, public school is fine.

It's fine. - Hm.

I want the best for little Gratitude.

That's why we're applying to

Little Doorways Academy for Ethical Children.

Little Doorways? Wut dat?

- Well, for one thing, it's the only preschool in Manhattan

that offers study abroad.

And it's the hardest to get into.

Let's just say the waitlist is Jay-Z's hundredth problem.

Whoa, I love exclusive things.

- It's probably too late for Leo to apply this year.

But don't worry. He's a bright kid.

He'll land on his feet somewhere.

Damn right he's a bright kid,

and he can get into that fancy school easy.

Everybody loves Leo.

Doctor Lahiri, Leo needs to go.

He keeps pinching the other babies' butts.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

He gets that from me.

We're not supposed to do that in public, okay?

Tamra. Tamra.

I went to that stupid music class you recommended,

and it was terrible.

All the moms made me feel bad,

and the teacher publicly shamed me.

- Derek told me you shamed yourself by not having PayPal.

You wrote him a check and it took forever.

Guys, all of the moms there had their kids signed up

for elite preschools years in advance.

I don't even know what I'm having for lunch.

Now I'm remembering.

Both: Three cheeseburgers, extra shred lett.

What does Dr. C think?

Doesn't he want Leo to go to like,

the Immaculate Academy of the Sacred Meatball or whatever?

- Danny would love him to go to Catholic school, but no way.

You've heard what those priests do, right?

Yeah. - They take a vow of poverty.

I'm not going to expose my son to that.

- Well, look, if you do decide on prep school

you'd better make a move sharp-ish.

I was already at Essex at two months old.

By Leo's age I was already singing our school's song,

- Okay, but is private school that much better

than public school?

I went to public school and I loved it.

And watching that girl give birth at prom

is what made me want to be an obstetrician.

Don't worry, Dr. L.

I went to public school and I turned out great too.

Oh, by the way, your 2:00 canceled.

No, no, no... ah.

What? - Okay, guys,

I've got to get my son into Little Doorways no matter what.

- There you are. Please tell me you're free tomorrow evening.

Anne-Marie's visiting and she wants to take us to dinner.

Whoa, Anne-Marie?

The one you... respect boundaries with?

- Listen, you're going to have to take her out by yourself.

I've got my bowling championship tomorrow night.

The Gutter Belles are in the finals.

- I know!

Are you kidding?

- Yeah, Ellen Page is doing a documentary on us.

I better go grease up my finger-holes.

- Hey, I'm really proud of you. - Thank you.

Isn't Anne-Marie your sister-in-law

who you slept with?

You can't have dinner with her by yourself.

There's not enough suspenders in the world

to keep those pants up.

- Obviously Anne-Marie cooked up this scheme

so she could have me all to herself.

She won't be able to keep her hands off me.

We are like sexual dynamite.

I can't hear about how women are

sexually obsessed with you anymore.

I just know I cannot resist this siren.

I need someone to tie me to the mast

otherwise she will tempt me and eat me alive.

I need... a girlfriend.

No. - Yes.

- No. I am tired of being used to stop sex from happening.

That's why the high school principal

made me room with the cool kids on our trip to D.C.

But I need you. - Jody, I can't.

One, because I don't want to,

two, because I have to get my son into preschool.

All right? And some of us have more important things

on our minds than sex.

- Who the hell ordered a vibrating seat cushion

with Oscar Isaac's face on it?

That's mine, put it in my office.

Thank you so much. Yeah, I'll make sure to wire you.

Perfect.

Catch you later, haters.

Someone just bribed a secretary at Little Doorways

for an interview.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

Are you quite sure you're fully prepared,

because these interviews can be tough.

- Yeah, I think I'm pretty much gonna crush this.

First of all, I'm a female doctor, like,

straight out of a sexist riddle.

Second of all, I told them that Danny was a little person,

so they're gonna be touched. We're golden.

- This is New York City, girl. Everyone's story is impressive.

My doorman used to be the straight-up president of Greece.

If it helps, tell him you know me.

- Hey, guys, thank you so much for all of your help,

but I think I'll be fine

because I still have one card up my sleeve.

The race card.

Wait, what'd you say?

- Thank you for granting me an interview so quickly.

The gods surely must be smiling on me today.

- You know, I don't recall you having an accent

when we spoke on the phone.

Oh, God, I didn't even notice it.

That happens sometimes when you're the child of immigrants.

Well, as you know, Little Doorways alums

are exceptionally high achievers.

We've got some Rhodes scholars and Nobel laureates,

the talent booker for Jimmy Fallon.

What? Are you kidding me?

Okay, you know what? I've heard enough.

When can my son start?

Oh, no, Dr. Lahiri.

You're far from being accepted.

We haven't even met the child's father yet.

- Oh, um, I don't think you're going to be able to.

He's away for awhile.

"Away for a little while." I see.

Yet another father who's too busy

to be involved in his child's education.

Perhaps you should try something in Brooklyn.

- Oh, no, no, no. Leo's dad is the over-involved one.

I'm the checked-out parent.

The other day I took home the wrong kid from daycare.

Please give my son a chance.

- Well, you do have another chance to impress the committee.

We're hosting a prospective parents' night tomorrow.

I strongly suggest you bring Leo's father.

But what if he won't be back in time?

He's across the country taking care of

a sick relative who he hates.

- We have a father who's currently a prisoner of ISIS

and he's planning on coming tomorrow.

You know what?

We're definitely both going to be there.

So really excited.

Hey, cool guy.

I need you to come to an event with me tomorrow night

and pretend to be Leo's father.

Like a farce? I love a good farce.

Oh, yeah.

At my university's production of "Noises Off,"

I played "Man who passes out programs."

- I just need you to pretend that you're married to me

and help me charm a very intimidating older woman

into letting my son into a fancy preschool.

Hold on. This is for Little Doorways?

Oh, then I can't do it.

That would be infidelity to my alma mater,

The Essex School for Unloved Boys.

- I couldn't help but eavesdrop. I would love to be your date.

I do an amazing Dr. C. Check it.

Bongiorno, my name is Dr. C.

I hug and I kiss you. Morgan is my best-a friend.

Stop, stop. - Sorry.

That sounds exactly like Danny.

Honestly, you should be on "Saturday Night Live."