King of the Hill

She said, "No, Mrs. Hill,

this is advanced placement Latin."

And I said, "Well then",

what's Latin for 'my bad?"'

Mom,

you kill me!

Hello.

Yes... Right...

Okay, fine, then.

Thank you.

Telemarketer?

No. It was my mother.

Your mother?

Wow, what's it been, 20 years?

Mm-hmm.

Well, what did she say?

She wants us to come to the ranch this weekend.

In Montana?

Mm-hmm. Really?

Do you think you could knock it off

with all the personal questions, Hank?

All you ever do is grill me about my emotional life,

pushing and prodding me

to talk about my feelings.

It's like living with Barbara freakin' Walters!

The nerve!

She spends my whole childhood criticizing me,

and my whole adulthood ignoring me.

Now she wants me to visit?

What for?

Well, I know it's unpleasant,

but have you considered that she might be, uh,

you know... dying?

No chance.

Dying is not her style.

That would be a sign of weakness.

You know, I think this

not-having-contact-with-your-mother thing

might have a downside.

Don't be ridiculous. It's been great.

I think you've allowed your imagination to run wild.

In your head, your mom's become

some kind of crazy evil spirit

with the power of eternal life.

But really, she's just an old, tired, cattle-rancher woman

who misses her daughter,

and wants to make peace.

That's why she called you tonight.

Yep. That old cow's just looking for her calf.

My God, Hank.

Of course.

You really are an emotional genius, aren't you?

You really are

my Barbara Walters.

I've been waiting 20 years for this trip.

Montana...

It even sounds rugged.

I almost threw up once in Montana.

I made it to Idaho.

Making it out of the car

would have been the real accomplishment.

So I've already decided...

This is where Bobby will spend his summers.

Every fall, he'll come back taller, and hardier

and maybe, maybe just a little bit quieter.

Well, I better go pack.

Whoa, Boomhauer, you're taking this well.

Ah, purple mountain's majesty.

Is there anything fun to do around here?

Bobby, there's nowhere more fun in all of America.

They've got horses and tractors,

and people who know how to grow their own food

and fix their own roofs.

You want fun?

You're standing in a five-ring circus

of simplicity and self-reliance.

Uh-oh.

Uh, that's your rental there

in space 62.

No, no, that's one of those Rovers.

I'm supposed to have a pickup.

We're all out.

But this is a nicer vehicle,

and you'll get the same price as the pickup.

Uh-huh, but I'm not interested in hav...

It's the only car we have right now.

Uh...

This is the most beautiful

got-dang sight

I have ever seen.

Oh, my God. There's Mom.

You know, I wasn't completely sure until now,

but you were right, Hank.

I mean, look at her.

Look at the way she moves.

That is a different woman than the one I grew up with.

Yes. There's a tenderness now.

I can see it.

Hank, thank you for making me do this.

Oh, Mom!

What?

So, Mom, at the risk of boasting,

I've become quite a little success.

Three years in row.

Well, how about that.

What was your subject,

"How To Avoid A Life of Working With Your Hands"?

No, it was Spanish.

Uh-huh. What do you think about it, Doc?

Well...

I suppose I can't tell you much

that them mountains can't tell you better.

: What's Grandpa talking about?

It didn't make any sense.

That's the talk of an old cowboy, son.

And you'll see someday,

it's the only kind of talk that does make sense.

She's just as cold and mean and critical as she ever was.

Ugh, this is so hard.

Hank, you can never let me become my mother.

Bobby, from this day forward,

will coddle you.

All right!

Morning, fellas.

Thought I'd give you guys a hand today.

If you like.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather

just polish your Rover or something?

Oh, believe me, I didn't want it.

I asked for a pickup,

but that was all they had.

Whatever you say, Hollywood.

So, uh, what are we doing first?

He's got the lump jaw.

Gotta drain the abscess.

We're gonna need another bucket.

Mom, I know that you and I

have some real talking to do...

See that cow over there?

She's calving.

It's coming out backwards!

Tie her head to the wall, keep her still.

I'm on it.

And hold my wedding ring.

All right, I got the chains on.

Get back here and help me pull.

One, two, three... go!

He's out!

Oh, will you look at that.

It's been a long time since I've seen that sight.

I see it hundreds of times a year,

and it never stops amazing me.

Can you believe it's been 20 years,

and I still calved a breech without missing a beat?

That's cause you did what I told you.

If you'd been out on the range by yourself,

that calf would still be in there.

You ruined my childhood!

Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?!

Why didn't you ever do one damn thing I asked you to?

Why didn't you marry that boy from across the road?!

Sven Grammersdorf?

The alfalfa farmer's son?

He was a decent man from good stock.

Well, I did not have feelings for him, Mom!

No one asked you to.

We were trying to run a ranch, not a "feelings" factory.

If you'd married Sven, we'd be doing all right.

But you ran away.

And now we're all paying for it.

What are you talking about?

I invited you here

so you could take a last look at your childhood home.

We're losing the ranch!

Wha... You're losing the ranch?

Well, I... I don't know what to say.

How about "sorry."

It's all your fault.

You and people like Henry Winkler.

Henry Winkler?

Howdy.

The Fonz?

So, how's it going with your mom?

We're losing the ranch.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, and that's Henry Winkler.

Howdy.

What the hell is going on around here?

See that trail leading up into the mountains?

That's where we send the cows every April.

For spring grazing, right?

Yep. See, it's not legally our property.

The Grammersdorfs kindly shared it

with us for 50 years,

but their boy, Sven, moved to Seattle,

so they sold the place to Henry Winkler,

and he won't let us use the trail.

Cows were supposed to head up there this week.

Thanks to old man Winkler, they've got nowhere to go.