What We Do in the Shadows

I say, I was just thinking--

"I'll alert the media." Dudley Moore. Arthur . 1981.

- Shut the fuck up, Colin Robinson. - Thank you, my darling.

I was just thinking, now that Gizmo is no longer with us,

perhaps we could repurpose that space under the stairs that he used to live in.

- So mean! - What?

You know that it gives Nandor the pip

when he hears about his old bouncing little buddy.

I don't even know what you guys are talking about.

- Guillermo. - Who?

The servant boy who used to live in the rathole under the stairs.

I remember it was the perfect place for me to store my precious volumes.

I think you will find, Laszlo, that before Guillermo lived here,

I would use that space for my "calistheneticals."

No, I think you'll find I grabbed that space as soon as we moved in.

Do you know who would remember?

Who?

- Jerry. - Yes.

- Jerry. Yeah. - Jerry.

- Yes. - Good old Jerry.

- Jerry would remember everything. - Yes.

Sorry. Who's Jerry?

Jerry was our fifth roommate back in the old days.

Jerry's a good guy. Solid vampire.

Jerry was a real leader.

- A man with a plan. - Yep.

Or rather, a vampire with a plan-pire.

I mean, the man is all vampire, no bullshit.

Even his name: "Jerry the Vampire."

No frills, no chills. No "Blah, blah, blah the Relentless"

or "Vlad the Whatever."

"Jerry the Vampire." Bam! Thank you, mister.

Jerry and I used to have these really long talks,

and he'd actually listen to me.

He might have been the only person in this house that actually liked me.

That's true.

- Jerry the Vampire. We hardly knew ye. - Jerry.

Whatever happened to Jerry?

- Oh, my goodness. - Bollocks.

- Shit. Shit. Fuck. - What?

I hope Jerry is okay.

This is a real mess-up!

Sometimes a vampire will decide to go into a super slumber.

Where they will stay sleeping for decades and decades.

- Awakening only when their f-- - Their fellow vampires wake them up.

We, um, forgot to wake Jerry up from his super slumber. Oops.

Which is an easy thing to forget because we had a lot going on.

We did. So much.

And also, because Jerry had requested to be woken up on New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve, 1996.

Right.

This one's on us.

Does anyone remember where Jerry's super-slumber coffin is?

Jerry?

Shh. Don't scream his name like that.

We must find his coffin and wake him gently.

- Jerry? - Guys, guys, guys.

- Here he is. It's Jerry. - Oh, gosh.

Jerry? Oh, Jerry?

- Oh! Oh, my dark lord. - No, no, no.

What have we done?

Jerry seems to have broken up into seven or eight pieces that smell like old meat.

- Hold on. This isn't Jerry. - What?

These are leftover body parts from a scientific experiment

I abandoned decades ago.

Couldn't be fucked, so I just left it all.

To create life. To use science itself--

chemical galvanism, electrobiology, etcetera, etcetera--

to reanimate dead tissue.

Now, whomever unlocks that mystery, is not a man, but a god.

Like Frankenstein.

- Who? - Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.

Never heard of him.

Right.

Maybe you will be the head that controls the creature

that the world will hail as Cravensworth's new man.

Laszlo, shut the fuck up and come and help them lift this coffin lid.

Sorry, my darling.

- Hi. - Hey, guys.

Wow, that was a long one. Happy New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.

- Finally. - So fun. You're all looking well.

- Nandor, my good man. - Hi, Jerry.

Hello. Nadja, as beautiful as ever.

Jerry, you're still buttering me up like the old days.

Yes. Dr. Cravensworth, I presume.

- You presume correctly. Good to see you. - Good to see you.

Hey, Jer-bear.

- There you are, old chap. - Hey.

Good to see you as well.

So, how did it go?

Uh, how did what go?

Conquering the New World.

I would have given anything to have been there for it,

- but I really needed that super slumber. - I bet.

So, did you end up conquering just the United States

or did you end up deciding

that the New World means Canada and Mexico as well?

So you let me sleep for 50 years instead of 20.

Which was not the plan. And you conquered your street?

- Yes. - And part of--

- Part of Ashley Street. - Right.

- Actually, most of Ashley Street. So... - Yes.

- Look at this. - Yeah.

Again, you've showed me whatever this thing is

where you can have a television in your pocket.

No, I know. But you asked what you've missed over the last 50 years.

So, I just thought you should see this.

What is this supposed to be?

Well, it's a bit of a brain teaser.

Does the dress look white and gold or black and blue to you?

Okay. Stop. But the fact that vampires exist,

that's still a secret, right?

Humans don't know about that.

Yes, totally. Got no idea.

Yes, we lurk in the darkness concealing our own grim majesty

from prying human eyes.

And those who are too curious--

well, they'll spend their last moments ruing the day

they poked their noses in where they weren't belonging.

- What he said. - Right.

But then, why is there a human camera crew here filming everything?

Oh, them. No. You don't need to worry about them

because, Jerry, they're cool. So...

Yes, very cool.

Do you even know who they're going to show all this to?

Um...

You gotta hear this.

What? What is this?

It's a pretty comprehensive list of the things you've missed.

Yep. Maybe I could listen to this later, Carl.

- Colin. - Isn't that what I said?

No, you said Carl.

South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.

I was around for all of this. Maybe we could fast-forward?

Well, it stops in 1988 around the rock and roller Cola Wars.

- The what? - Rock and roller Cola Wars!

Okay. Not now, guy.

Can somebody just please tell me what is our current dark purpose,

and why are we letting these humans know about it?

Um...

- Yes? - Sit down.

Never mind.

Jerry has been asking a lot of questions lately

about things I haven't thought about in a long while.

Things that make you go, "Hmm" so to speak .

Yes. Hmm.

- Come on. In here. - Sure of it? Yep.

Quickly.

Sorry, I just need a private moment with Nandor. So...

- What? - Just wait a second.

Okay. They have left. Now, why do we allow a camera crew

to document our every moves?

But who would not want to document the lives of three exalted vampires?

And also Colin Robinson.

Obviously. But why do we allow it?

Hmm.

- Right? - You know who would remember?

Guillermo would remember.

- Then we must go and talk to Guillermo. - No, we can't do that.

No, no, no, he has a new life now.

He has a new home. He has a new job.

Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.

Fine.

Hello. We are going to visit Guillermo in his new home.

This way. You may not like where he lives now.

I do not like where any human lives.

There is always a sink and a couch and a drawer full of spoons.

Well, you know, I actually helped Guillermo to find his new home.

Well, because he was looking for his independence,

and I kind of felt I owed him.

It's okay to admit that you just miss him a little bit.

Please, Nadja. Familiars, they come, and they go.

You know, you cannot get too attached.

Most of them are killed in the line of duty anyways.

That's just the circle of life. And here we are.

What? I thought he had his own apartment.

Well, he does in Laszlo's old garden shed where he used to jack off.

Let's see if he's in. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Who is it?

Hi, guys.

So, yeah, I moved into Laszlo's garden shed.

There's a smell. Mildewy? I wanna say.

And there was some really big stains that I couldn't identify.

I was gonna get my own place eventually,

but I looked around for a while and realized I cannot afford anything.

So, when Nandor offered that I could stay here for 350 a week, I said yes.

Sign me up.

So, Guillermo, how long have you lived here?

- Months. - Months?

- Yeah. - Has it been that long?

- Yeah. - This is actually the first time

- I've seen Guillermo since he left. So... - Bullshit.

Actually, no, he's telling the truth.

We've maintained really good boundaries about not seeing each other

till I get my life together.

And where do you make toilet?

Hmm? Uh, I'm always at work, so I just save it till I'm at work.

Work. And how is your new career going?

I work at a restaurant.

Panera Bread?