Futurama

Who likes good news?

Everyone?

Then, good news, everyone.

Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet.

It's to Earth.

Earth is dangerous.

I fell off my chair there once.

Quit it, Earth.

We won't even have to leave New New York.

The package is going to Long Long Island.

Yes, to the lavish Mafia-style villa of the Donbot.

The Donbot?

The vicious robot gangster?

I'd better use my special robot vision

to see what's inside.

It looks like a pair of clamps.

When are those new clamps going to get here?

These are all rusted out with snitch juice.

Patience, Clamps, it is my eldest daughter's wedding day.

You don't want the Space Pope to see you clamping, now, do you?

Oh, geez, I forgot my Pope manners.

Dearly beloved, it is with great speed

that I now pronounce you husband and wife.

May I help you with some assistance?

Delivery for Francis X. Clampazzo?

We don't got nobody here by that alias.

Hey, hey, that's me.

Those my new clamps?

Your name's Francis?

Guys, look, it's Calculon

and the Robot Devil and an open bar.

What's not to sneak into?

Bender, you can't crash a mob wedding.

You forget, Leela.

I'm Bender, owner of disguise.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, my good friend Calculon.

Hey, this one's for the new couple.

It's your day.

It's all about you.

Hey.

Oh.

Piscopo.

This guy.

Bada-boing.

Hey, sexy, I'm Bender.

What brings you to this tacky soiree?

I'm the bride.

Oops.

How about you, baby, want to do it?

Bender, it's me, Fanny.

You who?

The Donbot's wife?

We had an affair?

An affair, huh?

Sounds like me.

Geez, I'd better be a little more careful.

I don't want to hit on anybody I already had sex with.

Hi-ya, Bella. Hi, Mom.

What about you?

You're my third choice.

Oh, Bender, this is all happening too slowly.

Let's get married.

Quiet, I'm making out with a floozy.

Hold your clapper.

Someone's coming.

Donbot, please, I'll pay you back

as soon as you loan me some more money.

Sorry, Calculon.

It gives me no joy to do this, because Clamps will be doing it.

Clamps, here are your new clamps.

Clamps!

No, no.

Line?

No...!

Yeah, Daddy hates welchers.

The only thing he hates worse is witnesses.

And guys who mess around with his daughters.

And attempt to duplicate his meatball recipe.

How was the wedding, Bender?

Says who? I didn't witness anything!

In entertainment news,

two-time Oscar pool winner Calculon was brutally clamped

yesterday by an unknown assailant.

Poor Calculon.

All right, Amy, you win!

The mob did it. I saw the whole thing

while also having hot sex with the Donbot's daughter.

I'm scared and great at sex.

Bender, you need to go to the police and tell them

a tastefully edited version of what you just said.

What, and have the Mafia come after me, too?

No way.

This secret goes to my grave.

The Bureau is offering

anyone with information about this gangland-style clamping

a $50 reward.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, and then Calculon said, "No, no.

No...!"

And then I ate some excellent meatballs.

Can I have my 50 bucks now?

I enjoyed your story,

especially the tasteful love scene,

but it's not enough to convict the Donbot.

You'll have to testify in open court.

No, no.

Can I have another $50?

No. No?

No! No...!

All rise for the Honorable Judge 723.

Be seated.

Organized crime is a plague on our society,

and I will not tolerate any form of intimidation during...

All rise for the Honorable Judge 724.

Good day.

I'd like to say I'm prepared to tolerate

several if not all forms of intimidation during this trial.

Prosecutor?

Your Honor, the prosecution pecks for a mistrial

on the grounds of jury tampering.

Donbot?

Motion denied.

Prosecutor, call your first witness.

People call our star witness Mr. X,

whose appearance will be altered be-caw-se he's in grave danger.

(gallery gasps, Hyperchicken clucks)

Bender, I've been looking for you.

Which cake do you like better for our wedding?

Bender?

Aah, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!

Whew, that was close.

Isn't it true, Mr. X,

that you are slandering this innocent mafioso

to distract from your own felonious past,

including a crime you made up yourself

called "burgle-arson-arceny"?

That's a wholly owned trademark

of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc.

Besides, I'm not on trial here.

That's true.

You're on trial in Courtroom Three.

You are charged

with two counts of burgle-arson-arceny.

How do you plead?

Not inno-guilty-cent.

And then the Donbot said, "Sorry, Calculon,"

and then Calculon said,

"No...!"

I think we've heard enough.

Wait, I'm not finished.

...o! Now I'm finished.

Your Honor, the prosecution roosts.

Have you reached a verdict?

Indeed.

After a steamy 12-way deliberation,

we find the accused guilty as...

Wait.

The Donbot is innocent.

Calculon, who is that escorting you?

Yes, who?

My personal trainer, and he's trained me

to say that my wounds were self-inflicted,

for you see I am a big Hollywood idiot dumb guy

what does dat sort of ting.

Poifect.

We find the Donbot...

Dramatic pause.

...not guilty.

Honey, if you're marrying Bender,

you might want to get a black dress for the wedding.

That's going to look hot.

Don't be scared, Bender.

We're putting you in the Witness Relocation Program.

You'll be given a new identity,

a new place to live, and this iPod.

I don't want it anymore.

So I got to hide forever?

No, just until the Robot Mafia finds and kills you.

They're pretty good at that.

Good-bye, Professor.

Before I leave, I just want you to know

I've never done any work whatsoever.

Zoidberg, I know it seems like I can't stand you.

: Leela, you'll have to watch out for Fry now.

Oh, Lord.

: I wish I could go with you, pal.

Me, too.

I'll need a butler.

Bender, we have to go.