Glee

Here's what you missed last week. Quinn's pregnant.

- You're off the Cheerios. - And everyone thinks that Finn's the father.

Though really, it's Puck. But Quinn thinks he's a Lima loser...

- and doesn't want anything to do with him. - What's up, MILF?

Also, Kurt told everybody he's gay, including his dad, who was actually cool about it.

- Thanks for telling me, Kurt. - And that's what you missed on...

# Glee #

Five, six, seven!

Five, six, seven!

Five, six, seven! One, two, three, four!

Five, six, seven!

Five, six, seven, eight!

You shouldn't do this to yourself.

Do what?

I know how much it hurts to be off the team.

You're just torturing yourself watching.

I need a good distraction.

- From what? -

- $685? - That's how much a sonogram costs.

This is just the beginning.

There's gonna be more doctors' visits...

vitamins, new clothes for when I explode.

What are we gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

Well, I'm looking for a job. I mean, no one's hiring.

I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a busboy.

Somewhere in that pea brain of yours...

is a man.

Access him and tell him to prove to me that I chose the right guy to have a baby with.

I will.

I'll-I'll find a job. You can count on me, I swear.

- Where-Where are you goin' ? - You were right.

- - This does hurt too much.

My blog has lit up with comments suggesting...

you don't have a shot at nationals since you lost Quinn Fabray.

No, the Cheerios are stronger than ever.

We're gonna take nationals with this routine.

Mediocre! Hit the showers!

- -

I have several sources reporting Quinn didn't wanna leave...

but you kicked her out because of the pregnancy scandal.

Well, Jacob, this is Ohio, and in order to win...

my Cheerios need to appeal to that panel of judges.

So if I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout...

the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form.

They're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force...

is going to make the baby's head start crowning.

Oh, and by the way, all this... off the record.

Probably should've told you that earlier.

- This isn't fair. - Is it fair that...

I have to stop providing the baseball team with protective cups?

I only get a certain amount of dollars a year to spend, William.

- Yeah, but Artie... - He's used to overcoming challenges.

He'll just have to find his own ride to sectionals.

That "handicapable" bus costs $600 a week to rent.

- We can't afford it. - But there's enough money in the budget...

to fly the Cheerios all over the country for their competitions?

Sue Sylvester has boosters that write fat checks.

None of her travel expenses come out of the school budget.

Look. When I was in the Glee Club...

the best part of the competitions was the bus ride to the event.

It was about camaraderie and supporting each other.

You think I feel good about this?

Well, my students won't stand for it.

That's very moving, but my hands are tied, Schue.

If you want that bus, you're gonna have to find a way to pay for it yourself.

- What about Target? - Tried. Not hiring.

Another doctor bill came to my parents' house last night, Finn.

We're lucky that I'm clever and intercepted it.

But we have to start paying these doctors' bills...

or they're gonna go to a collection agency.

And then my parents are gonna find out that I'm with child... your child.

All right, guys. We're doin' a new number for sectionals.

I know that pop songs have sort of been our signature pieces.

But I did a little research on past winners...

and it turns out that the judges like songs that are more accessible.

Stuff they know. Uh, standards, Broadway.

"Defying Gravity"? I have an iPod shuffle...

dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked.

- This is amazing. - Think you can handle it, Rachel?

It's my go-to shower song. It's also my ringtone.

Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song?

See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. Rachel is singing it.

Don't worry. We'll find something for you to dip in chocolate.

- - On to item two.

The school won't pay for the special bus we need...

to take Artie and his wheelchair with us to sectionals.

- Wh-Wh-What? - That's completely unfair.

So, we're gonna have to raise money to pay for it ourselves.

See, when I was in Glee Club and we needed new silk cummerbunds for regionals...

we held a bake sale.

Wait. You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of "bougie."

So hip people stopped eating delicious sugary treats?

It's not that. It's most of us don't know how to bake.

I find recipes confusing.

My family's fully committed to takeout.

Yeah, Mr. Schue. Kids are busier than when you went here.

We've got homework and football and teen pregnancy, lunch.

Can't Artie's dad just take him?

I can't believe how insensitive you're all being.

- Are you a team? - Of course.

But Artie understands. Don't you, Artie?

Of-Of course. It-It's cool.

I mean, anything that takes away our time from rehearsing doesn't serve as a team.

- Let me help you out, buddy. - Thank you.

Hey, I'm really sorry about how they all reacted, Artie.

It's okay. I'm used to it. They just... don't get it.

Can I use the auditorium this afternoon to rehearse, Mr. Schue?

- Some of the band equipment's in there. - Sure.

# On the floor of Tokyo-o #

# Or down in London town to go-o #

# With the record selection with the mirror reflection #

# I'm dancing with myself #

# When there's no one else in sight #

# In the crowded lonely night #

# Well, I wait so long for my love vibration #

# And I'm dancing with myself #

# I'm dancing with myself #

# I'm dancing with myself #

# Well, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #

# And I'll be dancing with myself #

# If I looked all over the world #

# And there's every type of girl #

# But your empty eyes seem to pass me by #

# And leave me dancing with myself #

# So let's sink another drink #

# 'Cause it'll give me time to think #

# If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance #

# And I'll be dancing with myself #

# Oh, dancing with myself #

# Oh, dancing with myself #

# Oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #

# I'll be dancing with myself #

# Oh, dancing with myself #

# Oh, dancing with myself #

# Oh, there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #

# And I'll be dancing with myself ##

- - I have something I'd like to say.

I wanna audition for the Wicked solo.

- - Kurt, there's a high "F" in it.

- That's well within my range. -

Well, I think Rachel's gonna be fine for the female lead.

But I'm happy to have you try out something else, Kurt.

- And we'll make sure that it's got a killer high note. -

- You tried. - Anyway...

I wanted to say something to you guys.

I was a little disappointed at how you were all so willing...

to take the bus together to sectionals...

and make Artie drive by himself with his dad.

We're a team, guys. We're in this Glee Club together.

Artie doesn't care. His dad drives him everywhere.

I do care. That kind of hurt my feelings.

We didn't think you would take it personally.

Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.

I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder...

- Artie has to work just to keep up. - Preach.

We're riding to sectionals together...

or we're not going at all.

And to pay for the bus, we're having a bake sale.

- Bake sale. - St. Ignatius nursing home was having a tag sale.

And my A.V. Club friends here agreed to help out.

For the next week, each of you is going to spend...

three hours a day in a wheelchair.

Oh, oh, oh. And we're doing a wheelchair number.

##

- # On the floors of Tokyo # - Oh!

# Or down in London town to go, go #

# With the record selection and the mirror's reflection #

# I'm dancing with myself #

# When there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove #

# I'll be dancing with myself #

# Oh, oh, oh, oh ##

- -

I didn't even know we had a home ec room.

What's all this?

Ingredients for cupcakes... for the stupid bake sale.

- What's this? - It's what I had left over from my pool cleaning money...

after I bought dip and nunchakus.

I was getting that you kind of need money... for our kid.

For my kid.

Eighteen dollars.

How much has Finn given you?

Just stop.

I told you before.

I don't care if that baby comes out with a Mohawk.

I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.

It would be pretty awesome if it came out with a Mohawk.

You are such an egghead.

I'm not.

- - That was perfectly measured!

- There you go. Oh! -

Come on. Oh!

What the hell?

We're baking.

I can see that.

I'm gonna go change.

Where's my jelly cream center?

Sorry, Dad. I must've forgotten.

What's up with your brain today?