Witless

So, I've got some big news.

I'm buying a flat. Oh, wow! Amazing!

What, like a buy-to-let sort of thing? You go, girl.

No, I'll be living in the flat. Right, OK.

OK!

So, you'll be the landlady and I'll be your lodger.

That'll be funny.

No, Leanne, it's a one-bed flat.

Right. So...?

I'm moving out, Leanne.

We won't be flatmates any more.

Um...

OK, wow!

Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. OK.

Are you going to miss me?

God, yeah. Of course, I'll miss you.

Feels like we've lived together for forever.

Two years, eight months.

You're the longest one by two years.

So, where is this flat? Bedminster.

Bedminster? That's, like, the other side of Bristol.

You're going to be so far away. Yeah, shame.

I'll have to stay when over when I visit.

I don't... Oh, can we go by Londis?

I need to stock up on some crisps and Tampax.

I'm coming on tomorrow. I'll get some for you as well.

Oh, no, I'm good actually, I'm not... Rhona, girls who live together,

flow together. Science fact.

DOOR OPENS

Ladies... thank you for your time.

Here's a leaflet

that you may find helpful.

And I'm required to pass on.

We've no further questions for you tonight,

so we'll arrange a car to take you home.

KNOCKING Excuse me.

INAUDIBLE

What the fuck?!

For fuck's sake!

All right, go and get the lady officer.

Now, in our communication with a suspect's solicitor,

we were required to inform him

that two eyewitnesses had positively identified his client.

During this process, it appears that, regretfully,

your names were involuntarily misnonredacted.

By which you mean...?

Your names were inadvertently passed on to the defence's legal team.

The good news is that, at least until this goes to trial,

you'll both be granted protective witness status. Let me assure you...

Wait, you're saying we need to go into witness protection?

SHE GASPS

You'll be issued with new identities

and the requisite documents to accompany them.

I want to talk to your boss. No, in fact, MP.

Get my MP on the phone.

Can I just say you've come to the right person for this?

I've got a BTEC in Performance Arts,

so I know all about creating character.

There really is nothing you would call acting involved.

One starts with the shoes. Through the shoes, one finds the walk.

Is this all really absolutely necessary?

I'm afraid the murder you witnessed was part of a gang-related feud

over the sale of bootleg cigarettes.

The people it involved are considered highly organised

and extremely dangerous.

What's this? I asked for a Mini Milk.

Mate, that's worth five Mini Milks. Don't care.

I ain't selling it, am I? I want to eat it.

I want to eat a Mini Milk. Boys...

Look, I got a job for yous, ain't I? This one's come from upstairs.

The Osama Bin Big Bollocks himself, yeah?

Said he wants my soldiers, DJ Safe As Fuck...

DJ Sound As Fuck.

And, er...

Appraisal. Wants my boys DJ Sound As Fuck and Appraisal on this one.

There's a couple of girls causing a bit of trouble.

They need taking out.

See where I'm coming from?

Now, er...

Have any of you lads ever handled one of these before?

Yeah, yeah, of course, man.

Loads of times.

We're cool.

Lapdance by N.E.R.D.

Get one with the porn!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, I'm John Inverdale.

Usually, it gives me, and others,

a great deal of joy when I say that.

But today I say it in an altogether more sombre tone,

because if you're watching this video, it means you been placed,

or are about to be placed in police witness protection.

First up, I want to talk about "legends",

and I don't mean Beefy Botham or Sting.

Legend is police terminology for your new identity

and the requisite documents that come with it.

Sarah Penn.

Lisa Smith.

Li-sa Smith...

My mind's filling up with ideas already.

Who is Lisa Smith?

What are her dreams?

Can I see a statement of exactly

what you're going to tell my employers?

Do you know, I think Lisa Smith hasn't always been happy.

I'll make sure it's run by you. There's a darkness to Lisa Smith.

Something in her past.

If I can ask you to hand over any cards?

Debit cards, credit cards, anything that identifies you.

But she'd be strong. Well, she's had to be.

From now on, I need you to only use these names, even in private.

There are bank cards and PIN numbers in there.

The account will be topped up weekly

Ooh! OK, if you're ready, I'll take you to your accommodation.

SHE GASPS Ooh, exciting!

HORN BLARES

HELICOPTER WHIRS

'You have reached your...'

This is nice and it's bang in the centre of Swindon.

Right. I thought you were supposed to match our current living situation.

I don't understand.

We live in a Victorian conversion with period features.

I'm not seeing cornicing.

You lived in a two-bed, this is a two-bad.

Hey, there's a lovely smell of egg in here.

I'll be in touch.

Er, actually...

if you think about it,

I was in the process of moving out of the flat I share with Leanne.

Ah! Sorry, Lisa.

So, technically, shouldn't I be given a place of my own?

I'm sorry, we're not required to budget for that.

And there's no sort of top-up system?

Is there an equivalent of BUPA?

God, look at this place!

It'll feel like home once we've got a Glade plug-in.

The police are effing morons!

Hey, this will cheer you up.

Guess who held on to her Boots advantage card?

Leanne, that'll have your name on it.

Yeah, and 2,000 points!

That's the business end of a femidom. No, I'm serious, Leanne.

You need to cut that up.

Seriously, this affects both of us. OK, OK,

But you owe me at least ten Meal Deals.

God.

Morning, all. Well, here we are. Day one of WitPro.

What should you do?

Well, I'll tell you what you shouldn't do.

You shouldn't just sit around, knees knocking,

chewing on your fingernails.

It can be a while before your legend is tested,

so best get the first one out the way.

Something nice and simple.

You're going to register with your local dentist.

So, put your shoes on, get off the sofa

and get ready to say,

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah."

Oh, nice.

Is that a character detail?

No, it's a mild asthma attack. Oh.

Hi, we'd like to register as new patients.

Because we've just moved here, because of, with our jobs,

from a different area to this one.

OK, well, let's get you on the system.

Who wants to go first?

My name is Sarah Penn, I live at 39 Woodbridge Court,

I work in the public sector.

Fine, and, er, can I get your NHS number?

Seven.

Seven.

Is that another seven or...? Seven.

Sorry about her, um, she's a little bit nervous.

Um, she had an experience when she was younger.

Dentist put his thingy in her mouth. No, no, that didn't happen.

Bless her. Abuse memory. They cover it up.

Your dentist here, he doesn't do that, does he?

Well, actually, Dr Prakesh is a lady.

Ah, did you hear that, Sarah?

Lady dentist, hasn't even got a thingy.

We haven't got our NHS numbers. Is that going to be a problem?

No, that's fine.

Can I get your name?

My name is...

..Mystique.

Mystique?

And could you spell that for me?

Ooh, now you're asking!

M...

You on the internet there? Can we google it?

Mystique? What the fuck?!

I just felt, in the moment, this woman's not called Lisa.

Oh, for god's sake, this isn't Inside The Actors' Studio!

This is trying not to get murdered in Swindon.

Well, I like to ad-lib a little. Keeps it fresh.

That bit that you did about the dentist

putting his thingy in your mouth - great! You said that.

All right, it's not about taking credit for this bit or that.

I'm just saying, it was a nice detail.

It brought the character to life,