What We Do in the Shadows

- - Shitting thing.

Guillermo... He doesn't live here anymore.

How is it? I can't see.

Tonight we are attending a very special event.

Ha!

Aye, fuck.

The Baron is receiving an eternal lifetime achievement award.

I have never heard of such a thing, but it sounds very cool.

It is about time our Baron got recognized

for all the incredible work he does

- in our local community. - Yeah.

He has done so much for all of us, both as a leader

- and as a reliable lay. - Yeah.

Of course I am quite accustomed to being exalted...

- - ...praised, feared.

- But this shall be a night to remember. -

Alas, no. The Sire cannot make it.

Our usual sitter just started at Northwestern and, well...

- - Oh...

You know how hard it is to find someone new.

- Baron, give us a twirl. - Oh. No.

- Yes, please, Baron. - Look at him go. Wow.

- Yeah. Spin, Baron, spin. - Wow.

Look at you all. Where are we going?

We are going to an event to honor the Baron.

- Oh. - And you are not.

- Oh. - Because you have made it very clear

that your future lies with the humans, not the vampires.

- That's not fair. - Guillermo, we are a family.

- Right. - We'll always be a family.

- Thank you. - And you are no longer part of the family.

- Capisce? - Because you rejected your vampire family.

- I didn't... - Yeah. The "vamily."

Oh. Colin Robinson, no.

- Hell-lo. - Here he is.

- Shall we saddle up? - Yes.

Well, why does the monster get to go and not me?

- "Vamily." - Yeah.

- No, not him as well. - Very good.

Yeah, I'm a little hurt I'm not going to the vampire gathering tonight

but it's probably for the best, you know?

Besides, I already made plans to hang out with my cousin Miguel.

Actually, Miguel and I used to be really close when I was little.

But then he kinda became this, like, jock.

We grew apart,

but our moms are determined that we be really good friends.

We're gonna hang out.

- Miguel! Hey. - Hey. How you doing?

You love it.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

No, I don't. I really don't.

We should've done this sooner. I was working at this job, you know?

It was crazy. I had to get outta there. I was starting to lose my mind...

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Memo. I don't need the whole pinche novella, okay?

- - Losers first.

Go get 'em, slugger.

Oh!

Strike one!

- Little out of practice there, Memo? - I don't think I was ever in practice.

What're you talking about? We used to play all the time when we were little.

Ah!

Gotta keep your eyes on the ball, Memo.

There it is. Every gang in the tristate area is here. How delightful.

- - Yeah. Looks like everyone

- came out to play. - Salutations.

The Warriors . Walter Hill. 1979.

Exciting.

- What a turnout. - Look up there. It's the Fly Guys.

Oh, wow. I haven't seen the Lower East Side Vampire Punks

since one spat on me in 1983.

I was cool with it. It's what we did back then.

- Hello, Hamptons vampires. - Like, "Hampires."

- Stop it! - I hate these dipshits.

But kinda makes you proud, you know?

Our people.

So, this is all for me?

- Baron Afanas, there you are. - Aw.

- Hi. - Hello.

You look lovely tonight.

- - I mean, you look lovely every night.

- We all look lovely tonight. - Ugh.

- You included. - Thank you.

All right. I'm just going to bring you up to the stage,

- and then Jerry will introduce you. -

- Jerry is here? - Who Jerry?

Jerry's the one who put on this whole event.

Look out, Manhattan all-girls private-school vampires.

Vicious, ruthless killers, both socially and in a murder sense.

What's up, girlies?

- - Ew.

- Hey! - Told ya.

- Check one, check two. - Cute.

Hello. Hi.

I can't believe this total zero gets to introduce the Baron Afanas.

It doesn't seem right.

He hasn't even sucked him off, let alone been nuts deep.

- - All right.

- Just be quiet. - You be quiet.

Can you count, suckers?

- -

Look around you.

Look at all these different vampires,

- all gathered together as one. -

Yes. How about it?

We've got our Coney Island colony vampires...

...side by side with our leatherette vampires.

- We've got our Rockaway surfers... -

...right next to our JFK TSA vampires.

- Thank you for your service! - This city doesn't bleed without you all.

- Yes! - That's right! That's right, Jerry!

Tonight we've gathered to hear from our esteemed leader...

- - ...the great Baron Afanas.

Our supreme commander in charge of our conquest of the New World.

Yes, conquest!

At least, that was the plan, right?

- - Wasn't it? Taking over the New World?

- -

People feeling good about it? I'm just asking questions. I don't know.

Maybe the Baron will be able to provide some of these answers tonight.

Maybe there's a perfectly good explanation

for why we were sent here 250 years ago to conquer the continent

and we still find ourselves cowering in the shadows.

Do you have any answer for that?

- What's this shit? - Do you know why?

- When can we move on? - Jerry.

That introduction I cannot live up to.

- Thank you, thank you. - 'Cause here's what I wanna know.

- What the fuck? - Does the fault lie in ourselves?

Does it lie in our stars?

Or

- does it lie in our leadership? -

- He has a point! - I'm genuinely asking. I don't know.

- Hey, hey. - What the fuck

- is he talking about? - Hey! Move!

Gimme that. How dare you disrespect this man?

Hear, hear.

This is the great, the beautiful Baron Afanas.

- Yes! Yes! -

And this man, this mixer of boiling hot feces,

he knows not of his place.

He's nothing but a sower of discontent and disrespect.

- Let me see that. - Hear, hear.

- - Let me see that.

- No. No. No. Shut up! - Hold on. Hold on.

- - No. No, no, don't...

- - Ah!

- Uh... - Okay. And that was not my fault.

- -

- - Jerry was killed

- by that Frankenstein monster! -

It's Cravensworth's monster.

Run! Run!

They killed Jerry! The Staten Island vampires killed Jerry!

- No we didn't. - Kill them!

- - We should get the fuck out of here!

Kill them!

Fucking hell. How many bats are up there?

So flying home is not an option.

Where do we go, what do we do and how do we do it?

We need to get home. Which way is home? Is it north?

- I'm certain we are south. - No. No, we're not. I'm feeling east.

You know I can't fly, you dicks.

Ah. Colin Robinson. Do you know how to get home?

- No, I have no idea. I... -

I never thought I'd ever say this, but I think we need to call Gizmo.

- Ha! Yes. - Yes, great idea.

Guillermo!

Not like that, you fucking idiot. With the phone that he's doing.

I can also try echolocating.

- - Nadja, I'm on the phone!

Come one, man. That's why you gotta concentrate.

I was concentrating.

So this new job has a documentary about it too?

No, it's actually the same documentary.

It just now follows a guy who quits his old job

and goes out into the regular world.

Okay, word. So it's like Sling Blade ? But boring.

Know what, Miguel? This is why I don't hang out with you.

You don't hang out with any of the familia.

I don't because every time I do, they make me feel guilty that I'm always busy.

This was a mistake. I'm sorry. I'm gonna go, okay?

Hey, hey. Come on, Memo. I'm not mad at you, man.

We love you, all right? We were worried.

We never saw you. You're out there on your own.

You never even talked about having any friends.

Don't worry about me, okay? I have plenty of friends.

Oh, really? That's great. Name me one friend. Like, who's your best friend?

That would be, uh,

- Nandor. - Nandor?

My... My boss. My ex-boss. He's not my boss anymore.

So your best friend is your former boss?

- - I know, okay? It's complicated, but...

Wait.

Colin?

Wait, slow down. What?

Here we go, Mr. Drama Queen. Just like always.

Every time we start to have fun, you all of a sudden have an emergency somewhere.

- My friends need help. They're in danger. - In danger?

It's gonna sound crazy, but someone's trying to kill them.

- What the fuck? - Just please let me go.