Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

How did we end up here?

This place is horrible.

Smells like balls.

We don't belong in this shithole.

Shit.

Hey, Sam.

Dad, what kind of-- Shut up!

What kind of flowers did you want?

Alchemillas. Or something that smells nice.

Something soothing. It all smells like fucking kimchi!

That looks nice. Anything but roses.

I hate this job.

Riggan, everyone's set for 1-4-.

They're ready for you.

Riggan, they're ready for you.

Mr. Thomson. Steve.

It's Daniel. Okay.

Oh, hey, buddy. How you doing?

Pretty good. Yeah, I'd be a lot better if I could get, uh...

Ralph to stop, you know, acting.

He'll be fine.

And he was yelling, "I love you, I love you, bitch!"

What do you do with a love like that?

That's not love and you know it.

Why do you insist on calling it love?

Say what you want, but I know what it was.

What about you, Nick? Does that sound like love?

Sorry I'm late. Sound like love...

Look, I'm the wrong person to ask.

I only heard the man's name mentioned in passing.

I wouldn't know. You'd have to know the particulars.

I think you're saying love is absolute.

Yeah. The kind of love I'm talking about is...

The kind of love I'm talking about,

you don't try and kill people.

It was love, Mel. To Eddie, it was.

I don't care what anyone says.

He was ready to die for it.

Ask her what he did after she left him.

He shot himself in the mouth, but he screwed that up, too.

Poor Ed.

Poor Ed, my ass! The guy was dangerous!

How did he screw up shooting himself in the mouth?

He used to carry this .22. We lived like fugitives then.

Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.

Fugitives are scared, you know?

Fugitives are on the run.

Can you give me more of that? You know, fear?

Great idea.

We lived like fugitives then.

I never knew if he was going to come out from behind a bush,

or a car, and just start shooting.

The man was crazy! He was capable of anything!

Christ, what a nightmare.

He'd call me at the hospital and say:

"Son of a bitch, your days are numbered!"

Too much? It's a little bit too much.

I can tell, because you-- I just want to give you a range.

Call 911!

Is he breathing?

Is blood coming out of his ear?

Where are you going?

Did someone call 911?

Do not move him! Wait for an ambulance!

Well, that's a fucking lawsuit.

Where are you going? The understudy'll be here.

Forget the understudy. Cancel the first preview.

But it's a full house! We'd have to refund--

Just do it.

How's Ralph? He'll be fine.

Wait. Will you fucking wait?

Jake, it would have been a disaster.

That guy's the worst actor I've ever seen.

The blood coming out of his ear was the most honest thing he's done so far.

He's not that bad!

Okay, he's fucking terrible.

You have the press in your dressing room in a few hours.

I'll make something up. I'll think of something, riff.

Hold on.

That wasn't an accident.

What do you mean?

I made it happen.

Oh, okay.

Are you drunk?

Just find me an actor-- a good actor. Woody Harrelson!

He's doing the next Hunger Games.

Um, Michael Fassbender.

He's doing the prequel to the X-Men prequel.

How about, uh, Jeremy Renner? Who?

Jeremy Renner! He was nominated. The Hurt Locker guy.

He's an Avenger.

Fuck! They put him in a cape, too? I don't care.

Just find me someone.

Ralph will sue us. He will sue us and he has a case.

Just make it go away.

Look, you're my attorney. You're my producer. You're my best friend.

Now go out there and do what you were born to do.

How do you suppose I do that? How--

Next, an exclusive interview with Robert Downey, Jr.--

Who's busy following up his billion-dollar Iron Man franchise...

with the equally successful Avengers series.

That clown doesn't have half your talent...

and he's making a fortune in that Tin Man get-up.

We were the real thing, Riggan.

We had it all.

We gave it away.

Breathing in.

We handed these poseurs the keys to the kingdom.

Breathing out.

You listening to me?

Breathing in, I embrace my anger.

Yeah, embrace it.

But I'm not going away. You know I'm right.

Look at that.

These people don't know what you're capable of.

Why would somebody go from playing

the lead in a comic book franchise...

to adapting Raymond Carver for the stage?

As you're probably aware, Barthes said:

"The cultural work done in the past by gods and epic sagas..."

"is now being done by laundry detergent commercials..."

"and comic strip characters."

This is a big leap you've taken.

Yeah, it is. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Like you said...

that, uh, Barthes said, uh...

Birdman, like Icarus--

Okay, hang on. Who is this Barthes guy?

Which Birdman was he in?

Uh, Roland Barthes was a French philosopher,

and if you knew anything about the history of--

Now is it true you've been injecting yourself with semen from baby pigs?

I'm sorry, what? As a method of facial rejuvenation?

Where did you read that?

It was tweeted by @prostatewhispers.

That's not true.

I know, but did you do it?

No, I didn't do it.

Okay, I'll write you're denying it.

Don't write anything. Why would you write anything?

Don't write what she said. I didn't put any baby pig...

Are you at all afraid that people will say you're doing this play...

to battle the impression you're a washed-up superhero?

No, absolutely not. That's why...

twenty years ago, I said no to Birdman 4.

Birdman 4? You do Birdman 4?!

Thank you for coming out. Thank you.

We're expecting some great pieces.

The guys in publicity...

want a Times feature,

which is the worst idea right now.

What are you doing?

I don't want to look at this anymore.

That was a present from the crew.

Don't fuck with them-- They're union.

I don't care.

How'd it go? Good.

They talk about Ralph? He did it.

The motherfucker did it.

Threatened to sue us.

What'd you say, Me?

I said, "Motherfucker, are you threatening me?"

"If I so much as get a letter from a lawyer..."

"the press is getting pictures off your computer."

What pictures?

He has a thing for nuns in diapers.

Why do you care? Point is, I made it go away.

That's great.

Yeah, it's fantastic, except for one thing.

We have no actor. Uh-huh.

And if we cancel the preview, the press will smell blood.

We can't afford to lose any more money.

What do you think I should do?

We hired an understudy.

Use him. No.

Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen.

Our perfect dream actor is not going to knock on that door and go,

"Hey, fellas, when do I start?"

Can I talk to you? What's up?

You find another actor? No.

Mike's available. Mike who?

I thought he was doing the thing--

He quit. Or got fired.

Mike who?

Which is it, quit or fired? With Mike, it's usually both.

Mike fucking who? Shiner.

Yes! Jake.

How do you know Mike Shiner?

We share a vagina.

You think he'd do it? Mmm-hmm.

How do you know? He told me.

Jake. Yes.

Ask me if he sells tickets.

Does he sell tickets?

A shitload. Ask me if the theater critics love him.

Do theater critics love him?

They want to spooge on him.

Right on his face. Everything for a reason.

You think he'd come in this evening?

I'll call and find out.