Joan

- (theme music playing) - Gary, what the hell did you do?

So, you've just been made homeless,

and you want to place your daughter in emergency care?

- Come here. (kisses) - (Kelly) Don't go, Mummy,

please don't go!

I love my daughter so much.

I fully intend on getting a job

and a place of my own to support us.

I just need a chance.

- If I did have something to sell... - (Boisie) What?

Some stones, loose.

How'd you get 'em out?

Grabbed 'em from the safe, nicked 'em, walked.

So, can you sell 'em for me?

It might take a few weeks.

- Right, I need cash now. - Would you do a bit more work then?

So what am I nicking?

Clothes. Designer gear, luggage.

But I wanna nick jewels,

not shoplift with a dodgy chequebook.

All in good time.

I'm only doing this one job.

Once you nick the gear, we're gonna Spain tomorrow.

Spain? (laughs)

We need to courier some jewellery.

My mate, Albie, sells it out in Spain

where the pigs aren't looking for it.

We take it over, he pays us on delivery.

So you want me to take it on the plane

and bear all the risk?

So we'll swing by his club.

You need to act dumb around his missus.

Business and pleasure all in one cute little package.

Yeah, no, I reckon we'll make a good team.

I found out your ex did a job for me back in the day.

- You've spoken to Gary? - Says you was a right nightmare.

Ran off with his kid.

Gary's a bloody liar!

When am I coming home?

- (rain pattering) - It won't be long now, I promise.

Our only concern is for Kelly's welfare.

I'm afraid we think that she's better off where she is.

I need money.

I mean, "money" money.

- Know what I mean? - Yeah, I reckon I do.

"The Lovecats" by The Cure.

Eggs are up.

- (waitress) Today's special! - (Joan) Thank you.

So, what's the setup?

It's perfect. The house is miles from anywhere.

Crap security. No window locks.

We'll wait 'til it gets dark and break in.

- I was half upstairs. - It's definitely a real Stubbs?

Classic, worth thousands.

Enough to buy me and Kelly a new home with a garden?

Oh, a mansion with a butler thrown in.

So, what about the owner?

Woman, lives on her own.

Drinks a lot, according to Hugo.

Your man at the auction house?

- (Boisie) Yeah. - When did he value it?

This morning. She was already half-cut.

Why?

- Hard life when you're filthy rich. - No, no, I mean, why get it valued?

I don't know, probably insurance.

Or she's planning to sell it.

Your point?

Well, I mean, if she's already got a legit buyer

they'll come looking for it when it goes.

It's much harder for us to sell on.

Oh, we'd have to hold onto it for a while anyway.

I don't wanna hold onto it for a while, I need cash now.

To set myself up for Kelly.

I will go back to London now, get Jim Cho to knock up a sham.

Come back, I'll find a way in by day,

let you in at night.

We swap the pictures.

No one will know it's gone. Can sell it on straight away.

I was out walking.

I was... I was out...

I was out walking. I was out walking.

- (dog barking) - (Henrietta) It's all right.

Get down! Who is it?

- (dog continues barking) - Sorry to disturb.

Er, I need help.

I don't open the door for strangers.

I've twisted my ankle.

I was out walking.

If... if I could just use your telephone and call a friend?

It's getting dark.

- (door lock clicking) - (door creaks)

I don't know what I was thinking setting off alone,

and then I turned my ankle on a stile and...

- (dog barking) - Get back!

Oh, and you're obviously a long way from home.

- I just... I need a pick-me-up. - But I could open some brandy.

- (glass clinking) - (cryptic music builds)

Of course, if I could afford to heat this bastard place,

I wouldn't need it. (exhales)

- (drink pouring) - It's a beautiful house.

It was, before my husband walked out.

Left me with all the bills. Fuck face!

Sounds familiar.

Can't believe anyone would abandon

- a little poppet like you. - (chuckles)

You'd be surprised.

Another woman?

Packed a bag, and said he was going on the run.

- Classic. - I know. Fuck face!

- (Henrietta chuckles) - (dog barking)

- Shush. - (dog continues barking)

Shush!

- You'll get your sausage! - (tray clattering)

He'll be back soon enough.

Tail between his legs with a peace offering...

- a bottle o' gin or something. - (dog barking, munching)

- But don't let him back in. - I won't. I won't.

That's always been my problem.

Oh, well, you've got a kind heart.

You'll stay the night.

Oh, thank you! It's very kind.

Mm.

- (suspenseful music builds) - (staircase creaking)

Oh... your daughter?

Married a Kiwi last year.

Buggered off to the other side of the world.

I'll see you for breakfast.

My friend needs to come early, so I'll just slip out.

Everyone leaves me in the end. (scoffs)

Well, thank you for having me.

- Good night! - Night!

- (door creaks, closes) - (music concludes)

- (exhales) - (clock ticking rapidly)

- (pensive music playing) - (lamp button clicking)

- (dog growling) - (Joan) Shh, good boy.

- (pants) - (door lock clicking)

Boo!

- (both smooch) - (dog barking)

- (Joan) Shh! - (dog whining)

Here, give him a sausage.

- Why me? - You're the stranger.

We're fine for now, I put that Valium in the night cap.

- Okay. - Where's the sham?

It's in the van, let's get the real deal out first.

Oh, what a beauty, 1760, 1765.

- (Joan) Come on then. - (Boisie) Look at the detail.

- (Joan gasps) - (Boisie) Stop, stop, stop, stop,

- stop, stop... - (Joan) It's fine, it's fine.

Careful, don't touch the oil.

- (Joan pants) - (door lock clicking)

- (dog barking) - (Joan gasps)

- (Boisie) Shit. - (Taylor-Brown) Henrietta?

Hen?

Forgive me. Hen?

- (Boisie) Scream. - (Joan screaming)

- (Boisie) Outta my way! - (dog barking)

Put it down. Now!

Who are you, friend of Hen's?

Go in the kitchen, call the police.

- (Boisie) Out of my fucking way. - (gun cocks)

- (music builds) - (dog continues barking)

Move.

- Move or I'll blow your brains out! - (dog barking)

- (dog barking) - (Taylor-Brown) Oh!

- (glass shattering) - (Taylor-Brown groans)

Don't fuck with me.

- (pants) - Fuck's sake, get in!

You brought a gun!

It's all right, I wasn't gonna use it.

Do you think he'll call the police?

Yeah, of course.

Just drive.

- (music concludes) - (Boisie) You're overthinking it.

He was drunk, he saw you for a second.

But I spent all evening with her.

You were in disguise, and she doesn't know your name.

She's got no means of tracing you.

- Well, she'd get me in a lineup. - (Boisie) A lineup.

It's all right for you, you had a balaclava on.

Yeah, to make you the victim, protect you.

Protect me? You pulled out a gun!

You turned it into an aggravated assault!

- I wasn't gonna use it! - I don't care!

What was I supposed to do, Joanie?

Follow me upstairs, run out the back, like I did.

- Without this? - (Joan) Yeah, without the painting!

It's not like we can sell it now!

I'm taking it to the warehouse.

Order a Chinese.