House of Lies

Ready for this shit storm that's coming?

Previously on House of Lies:

This aggression of yours will no longer

be tolerated.

Is that straight enough for you?

I'm leaving the company. Soak it all in,

'cause by this time tomorrow, we don't work here anymore.

To Kaan and Associates.

Kaan and Associates.

That's it.

You got to think about the little ones.

Doug. Clyde.

Oh, my God, those are the exact names I picked out!

Hey, hey, Jeannie, can I talk to you for a second? No.

Shut the fuck up, Doug. Shut the fuck up, Doug.

'Cause the people you work with don't respect you. The fact that

you don't see it kind of makes you seem like a putz.

Why would you hit on my girlfriend?

I feel truly sorry for you.

Is this what you're like when you start getting laid, man?

Let's get married in Vegas tomorrow.

I have decided to stay at Galweather.

I thought my thing with Marty

was just on a whole nother level, man, I thought

as friends, but he doesn't give a fuck about me.

Why should I?

Because I'm about

to make you mountains of cash.

Who's your spy, Mike?! Who's your fucking spy?!

I fucking told 'em. What?

So why don't you get the fuck off my client?!

I love you.

Jesus, Jeannie.

Jesus, Jeannie...

Hey, Jeannie, I can't do this without you, okay?

I can't do any of it without you.

So stop being a baby.

You're a fucking idiot.

Hey, man. Ow.

All right, thanks so much.

Mmm. Mm!

Marty. Marty Kaan!

Marty, I need five minutes.

Oh, I need 'em more. Ah!

Hi. Hey.

Jeannie?

Hey.

How'd you get in here?

I have powerful connections.

No, I'm serious. What are you doing here?

I thought you wanted me here.

Of course I want you here,

but you haven't answered any of my phone calls or...

Are you coming back or what?

I'm already here. Now.

Right in front of you.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Fuck!

Jeannie, what's going on?

This is exactly where we're supposed to be.

Just stay here. Stay with me.

Jeannie?

Are you all right?

There's some turbulence.

Who's Jeannie?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Robert.

Robert! Okay, about to be fired. Pod, keep up!

Trying.

Robert, buddy?

Marty, do I have two minutes to buy some duck?

Robert?

Where the fuck is Caitlin, Will?

Caitlin, let's go!

Oh! Oh, goddamn it! Uh! I broke a heel.

Heels? That's a fucking great choice.

Well, I thought we were going to a boardroom,

not a fucking bazaar.

Girls... That's a dead octopus.

Knock that off the fucking list.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, it's not just seaweed.

Heirloom seaweed.

Heirloom seaweed? Why is it, why is it heirloom?

Oh, the nuance,

the subtleties.

And as soon as you mention "heirloom,"

you justify a 40% markup.

Say word.

What?

That is a great reason to go with heirloom.

Well, you are never gonna find heirloom seaweed

at that white-trash Colossal Foods, I'll tell you that.

You're goddamn right.

And it's things like that that set Free Range apart.

That's right.

Fuck the Wonder-Bread-

and-food-stamps crowd, am I right?

Right!

Hijiki... that is the wave of the future.

The Asians love a sea vegetable.

What China eats today,

we'd better fucking learn to love tomorrow.

Say that shit two times.

Hey, you got to try this. It is a revelation.

No, no! Huh? Come on.

Huh?

Mm!

Oh, motherfucker!

Shit tastes like the ass of a sick fish.

Now is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by an uptick in housing starts.

Everything is beautiful, baby!

The economy is in recovery!

Jobs just falling out the sky.

Nobody wants for anything!

Another round of drinks

and a shiny new Tesla for all my friends, right?

Wrong.

Here's what Daddy got to deal with.

Robert Tretorn, Free Range Foods,

coming up fast on the food megagiants.

Saw the whole organic food thing jumping off in the '70s,

decided to assimilate it into the mainstream,

make it all go down easy as a decaf organic

two-pump chocolate laxative.

Started with one little shop in Boulder,

grew the fucker to 1,200 stores.

So I travel 6,000 fucking miles just to pitch it!

But I guess this is what owning

your own joint looks like, right?

You end up chasing every nutbucket across the earth

hoping he might... just might... hire your sorry ass.

If we land this whale, we feast on the blubber

until we land the next one; Feast on that blubber,

sell the ivory till we land the next one and the next one,

and so on, and so ad in-fucking-nitum

until we get some fat;

acquire some blubber of our own.

But until that day, you do what you gotta do, baby.

You eat sick fish ass.

Mmm-mmm! That is amazing!

Right, huh? I told you.

And I'm gonna own that market!

Oh, yes, you are.

And you're gonna teach the world to love it.

That's right. That's right.

That is exactly what I'm gonna do.

Yeah. I mean, if...

If-if what?

What? Well,

look, you want to crush that behemoth Colossal Foods, right?

I mean, unless you're happy

in your little faux, dead-end hippie niche market.

No judgment.

Well, what are you saying, huh?

You saying that, uh, Free Range is plateauing?

Hey, I do show your last three quarterlies dangerously flat.

Well, that's 'cause the economy...

Flat is death in this economy.

Flat is death in this economy, Robert.

Bobby...

Fuck it! Look, do you want to be fucking 'roid rage huge?

I have a 20-year expansion roll out plan

that I'm very happy with.

Robert, 20 years? Are you fucking kidding me?

The polar ice caps will have melted in 20 years.

We'll all be dead in fucking 20 years.

We'll be drowning in our last million barrels of crude oil.

These assholes aren't gonna live through the week.

What are you willing to do today?

Not in 20 years, man.

How are you gonna carpe de fucking diem today?

Today!

To-fucking-day! Today.

All right! Huh? How about it, huh?

Bing! Bong! Seaweed! Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God! I thought I'd completely lost you.

Oh, that's not bad.

Anyone get, uh, tickets to Days of Hope?

: "Anyone, duh, get tickets to Days of Hope?"

What do you think?

Of course not. It's been sold out forever.

I know everybody talks about it all the time,

and I know everybody really wants to go,

but what is the actual charity?

What exactly are they raising money for?

I have no idea. I don't know.

Who cares? Not me.

Word on the street is that the CEO of Coke is firing DeMark,

and everyone wants to go suck up and get the gig.

"Word on the street"?

Which one, Sesame Street?

: Sesame Street...

Mmm, I normally hate those fucking things,

but I did scam

the one Galweather ticket.

Really?

Uh... hey, could I be your plus-one?

I don't get a plus-one.

Oh... But let me be clear: