Happy Endings

Penny, I know we've only known each other a little while,

and I know this is crazy.

But...

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, my God!

Will you take this leap with me?

Of course I will.

This is gonna be a perfect marriage of adrenaline and danger.

Now let's BASE jump. Shall we?

Okay!

Ooh, pretty.

Okay. All right.

You ready? Yeah.

Yeah?

One, two, three!

And I'm gonna take the stairs!

Oh, God, Penny. What is the matter with you?

You are so pathetic. It's like, what are you so scared of?

Take a risk for once in your... Whoa!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh!

Ow! Ow! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, oh, no. What a schlemiel!

I never get tired of watching this!

How did she manage to fall around the landings?

Oh, guys, guys, guys, guys, you know that I love a Penny pile-on

as much as the next slut. Oh, damn right.

But that was a massive fall, and we should all thank our lucky stars

that Penny made it out of there unscathed.

Agreed. Amen.

Uh, friendos? I did not make it out unscathed.

I'm extremely scathed.

I know!

Classic Penny! It was the word! It was the word!

I'm sorry but it's funny.

Serious, though, Dave and I have some big,

potentially earth-shattering news.

Now, we don't wanna freak anybody out. No.

But, Alex and Dave

are casually seeing each other.

Oh, we knew that.

Gross. And it's the least interesting pairing

since chicken piscati and pinot gris.

What?

Sorry. I've been watching a lot of Frasier.

I know you're all terrified right now,

and clearly, that is why you're lashing out at us,

but don't worry. We're not gonna let this thing get too serious,

because Alex and Dave, much like Dave's new haircut,

are keeping it cazsh.

Oy vey.

Trust us, the last thing we want is for things to get complicated

like in It's Complicated. Oh.

So we're just gonna go with it, like in Just Go with It.

And be friends with benefits like in No Strings Attached.

Guys, could the focus please be back on me, okay?

And could someone put this chip in my chip hole?

I'm so hungry. No, Max, don't do it.

Wait. Are you still falling?

Okay, laugh it up.

It's like a slinky with breasts.

You guys, not cool. I died for two minutes in the ambulance.

What?

Wow. Babe, I am loving you in that robe.

You look so happy and so relaxed.

Thanks, byabe. You were right.

Getting laid off has been really good for me.

I mean, it was a little weird at first,

because I've basically had a job

since I was in, like, seventh grade.

Well, now you can finally take a break,

and you can start working on those hobbies

that you've been putting off forever. Right?

Like your dance-cooking. Mmm!

And your candle making. Mmm-hmm.

And I know you didn't forget about

this guy!

SinBrad! What's up, my dude?

Oh, no, you didn't!

Get him! Get him, get him, get him.

Yo' mama so fat, she died.

Sorry, I...

That was just sad more than anything. Yeah.

Yeah, I need to practice. It's a little rusty. It's pretty sad.

Yeah, but you know what the best part of all of this is?

Hmm? Is that we've been able to hang out so much more.

I mean, I have been coming so hard home from work

just 'cause I'm excited to have dinner with you.

I mean, when you were working, we hardly spent

any time together, and I know this is crazy,

but I was scared that eventually we were gonna turn

into one of those couples that just slowly drifts away from each other.

Babe, that will never be us, okay?

Now you go to work and make that money for Papa. Yeah.

All right? Mmm. Mmm.

I'll just be here chillin' all day. Mmm!

Thinking about you. Thinking about me. Mmm! Mmm?

Think about you, naked.

Ooh!

Let me get some of this.

No. Oh!

Spank it.

Have fun!

- Bye, baby. - All right, now.

Huh!

Yeah.

Give me this.

Ah! Man, I love the workplace.

Fluorescent lights, stale coffee,

and the sweet sound of men quoting classic comedies.

Yo, Williams! You my boy, blue!

Yeah. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. Okay.

Vince Vaughn!

Eh, not great!

Ah. Daddy's home.

Huh!

So I was thinking about it,

and I think you and Dave casually dating is actually a great idea.

Yo, yo! Here's your drink, friend.

Bro. Bro V. Wade. Bromaine lettuce.

So what's the damage on my bevvy?

We go Dutch. It's more cazsh.

Actually, the drinks were free.

That bartendress over there was flirting with me,

but I did not flirt back. I swear, dawg.

Oh. Well...

Uh, you know what? It's totally cool,

Because... flirting is in bounds, Bro...

Lin, comma James,

husband of Streisand, comma Barbra!

Okay. Okay, brovine growth hormone.

Here's to keeping it cazsh.

Well, I'm out!

You two have fun

talking like two of Scott Caan's groomsmen.

Yeah.

So, what do you wanna do now?

Mmm, I don't know.

What do two pals do on a Tuesday afternoon?

Oh!

Most casual sex ever! Totally.

Okay, I'm coming.

Mmm-hmm.

All right.

Ooh!

We have your hot but not too hot tea,

your cool but not too cool pillow.

Oh! And...

a crustless sando for baby.

Aw, you're so sweet for taking care of me, Max.

Ooh, I hate to be this girl,

but I do see some residual crust on that sandwich.

And I thought that I'd made myself pretty crystal clear

when I told you I wanted zero crust whatsoever 'cause it hurts my teeth.

Did you not feel I was clear?

No, I felt you were very clear. Okay.

I'm just gonna remove the crust. Thank you.

And here we go.

Okay.

Oh, there's no crust on this sandwich.

But all your chitchatting has left my tea cold.

Okay. Do you know what, Pen?

I have been busting my humps being your male nurse,

because I genuinely love these gift baskets.

And to a lesser extent, you, you know, 'cause we're best friends

and we love each other and all that barf,

but you are the worst patient ever.

So if you will excuse me, I'm taking this gift basket

and this gift basket with the salami,

and you are coming with me. This is rich!

And I will say to you... Good day, sir!

Good day to you, madame!

Oh, get out of here, monsignor!

I will see you later, guv'nor!

Hello.

Hey, you.

I'm Kent. Uh, Penny's new physical therapist?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you brought her some gift baskets. What a good friend.

Ugh!

Well, two things you should know about me, Kent.

I'm selfiess and have moves like Jagger,

specifically the ones he allegedly used on David Bowie in the 70's.

Huh.

Whoa! Al, what is with this outfit?

You look like the Olsen Twins' burnout brother, Larry Kate Olsen.

Come on. His middle name is also Kate?

You're obviously dressed like this

because you slept at Dave's,

and you like wearing his clothes, which is the opposite of casual.

You, sister, are in a serious relationship.

What? No, his shirts are just comfy, okay?

We're totally cazsh. We slept head-to-toe.

It doesn't count. It counts.

I'll tell you what doesn't count.

The Miami Heat's most recent NBA Championship.

It was an injury-plagued, strike-shortened season.

Therefore, LeBron still needs six rings

to even get in the conversation with Jordan.

Are you done? No.

Also, Chris Bosh looks like one of Omar's boyfriends from The Wire.