Retrograde

_

Mm, late capitalism!

And the rest of it.

Well, I don't care if this ship is sinking,

so long as someone goes down on me!

Oh, hi!

Hi!

Although I think we mean "bye"!

Okay, so that's where we're at?

Sashay away? Or shantay, you stay?

Oh, I am going. I'm going. I leave tomorrow.

- Ow! - Aw!

Takes more than a pesky pandemic to shut you down.

- Where are you? - Oh, he's getting me toilet paper.

I'm trying to get us some toilet paper.

So far, I've been to three Coles, one IGA.

This is the worst episode of Supermarket Sweep ever.

- Poor Soph. You okay? - Yeah.

Immune-compromised and killing it.

- Have you finished your packing? - Well, I'm very bad at it.

So, you know, I can't have a big night.

Lies! If you're not throwing up on the flight tomorrow,

I'll consider this a fail.

Yeah, I'm pretty surprised they're letting you go.

They can't stop people from travelling.

Yeah, but have you been listening to the news?

Maddie's brain's been on airplane mode.

Mm, can we just stop talking about

this corona thing for one second

and please celebrate the fact that I'm going to Korea?

This time tomorrow, I'm gonna be sitting in my very own office,

eating a bibimbap like a boss bitch.

I can't believe they're trusting you with an office.

I can't believe you're smoking inside.

How 2009 of me.

But after the fire in the kitchen, girl?

"Kitchen" is an aggressive word, and I wouldn't call it a fire.

Just a minor combustion?

How's Liza gonna live without you, hm?

She asked me to do all this stuff in the house before I go,

like, "Defrost the fridge,

pick out your hairs from the drain of the shower".

- What the fuck? - Ugh, gross!

Hey, where's Rob?

Oh, girl, catch up!

They're over! Whoo!

Uh, well, not entirely, um...

No, I thought you were doing long-distance, Maddie.

- Madhuri Mishra... - _

... you did break up with him last night, didn't you?

Well, I mean, you know,

"long-distance" is like a polite break-up.

- No! - No.

You don't see each other.

Sometimes, you call, the occasional email.

- It's break-up-ish. - No "ish".

- Fizzle, not a bang. - Not a thing, okay?

Do it before you leave. Don't be a pussy.

Uh, Rams, it's 2020.

You can't call someone that.

Oh, wait, why are you being a pussy?

Uh, he wants me to break up with Rob before I go.

Oh, I thought you were doing the long-distance fizzle thing.

Thank you! Presenting to you Isabel.

Not a thing, okay? What are you gonna do?

Fuck three times on FaceTime and then ghost him?

Oh, you know, maybe.

Sounds like a good play.

Oh, hi. Hi, Glenn.

- Everyone, this is Glenn, my boss. - Hey.

- Mummy! - Boss, this is everyone.

Oh, the neoliberal poobah who sacked an entire department

and called it the Valentine's Day Massacre.

Mm-hm!

Creative destruction.

- This is impressive, Maddie. - Play with me.

Using just initiative,

you built an online bar for these strange times.

Glenn, please don't say, "Strange times".

- Sorry. Arlo! - Very impressive.

Relationships manager by day, side hustling as a coder by night.

I mean, I didn't code it.

No, no, she's a regular Turing.

- Test her. - Mm.

You should sell this to Google, Maddie.

Mm, and maybe you should call it Zoom.

Okay, I'm gonna count to three. That's one...

You should take this to market.

I'm serious.

You know, this is exactly the kind

of ask-for-forgiveness- not-permission attitude

we're gonna miss when you're in Seoul.

Oh, I... Sorry. That's two! Sorry, guys.

Uh... what happens at three?

Oh, she waterboards him.

Whatever it takes.

Look, I'm just glad that we were able to have a virtual farewell

and that the government hasn't regulated us out of that yet.

Oh, fuck!

What?

- No tempeh! - _

- It's the end times. - It's bullshit.

I mean, where did the whole bushfire

"let's look after each other" shit go?

Don't worry about it.

You know, I've got enough for tonight.

No, I'm not gonna stand by

while you wipe your arse with a KFC refresher towel!

- I'm gonna try Aldi. - Yeah.

But please don't touch anything.

Nah, don't worry about corona.

Only affects boomers and sick people.

And who needs the sick people, right?

Exactly.

Survival of the fittest.

Speaking of which, let's get into this.

I made a video.

No, no, no! We said no speeches.

Amazing.

We meet here at this...

... this online bar...

... in an hour of change and challenge...

... in a decade of hope and fear...

Hang on, is he plagiarising JFK's moon speech?

What's the moon speech?

Well, it would... this.

No, but this is his TEDx speech.

If not now, when the fuck?

And, Maddie, why choose to branch out into the East Asian market?

Why choose to send you,

our brightest and most brilliant spark,

to South Korea to be the partnerships manager

for one of the finest travel start-ups the world has yet to see?

We choose to go to the moon, not because it's easy...

There it is.

... but because it's hard.

So, let's go.

But let's go off own steam, okay?

No government regulators holding

my dick or your dick in their hands.

- We're not fucking babies. - Okay, thanks, Glenn...

Don't need our mums to braid our hair. No fucking handouts!

- No. - Right?

Nothing is gonna stop entrepreneurs like us

from holding our dicks in our hands, especially not old people.

These fucking boomers.

- Maddie? - Yep.

This is your golden ticket, okay? Do not Veruca Salt this.

That's a Willy Wonka reference.

Fuck, Ramsay's gonna be so pissed that he missed this.

No, no, it's okay. I'll send you my TEDx video.

- It's all there. - Oh, yes.

- Oh, wait. - Yes, please.

Sorry. Hang on, I gotta take this. It's Singapore.

"Sorry, I gotta take this. It's Singapore".

Look.

Hey, Maddie?

Yes?

Are you and Rob really over?

Uh...

I don't know. I don't know what I want.

Oh, I know what I want. I wanna fuck a fully grown man.

- Yes, you do. - Oh, hang on.

Why is your boss wearing no pants?

Uh, because it is Glenn.

But Rob, you know, he's such a nice guy. Is that the problem?

No, she's got the ick.

- I don't have the ick. - Okay.

You broke out in hives when he suggested

you bundle your phones into a family plan.

That was an allergic reaction to my toner.

Okay, let's be honest.

He's a rebound that overstayed his welcome.

No, that's not true. I mean, we've been dating for a year.

Rebounds are, by definition, very little.

Yeah, okay, so, why don't you do long-distance?

I mean, if I have listen to one more episode of The Daily...

What the fuck's The Daily?

Oh, it's Rob's favourite podcast.

Are you serious? Hi, I'm Michael Barbaro.

Ugh, he's just so, like, consistent...

... and kind, actually.

- So, not like Dylan? - Uh...

Fuck Dylan.

And his daughter, Maya.

She is... fuckin' crazy.

The other day, I woke up as she was spitting on my face,

like actual saliva in my actual eyeball

and some weird 'We Need to Talk About Kevin' shit.

- But she's a child. - She's a dictator.

She's a mini Mussolini. She hates me. She just hates me.

Well, she doesn't hate you.

She probably hates you.

Thank you.

- Is! - What?!

Okay, look, you just... you don't really have a kid vibe, Mads.

- Mum! - Oh, my God!

Okay, that is it.

Sorry, guys. Bedtime.

Okay, just...