The Great North

Thanks for the ride home from the mall, Steven.

Sure, any time.

I mean, anytime you're at the mall.

Because, otherwise, how could I drive you home from there?

Oh, great point, and I love... points.

Well, that movie was fun.

- Yeah. - So, uh, this is off topic,

but, um, could I kiss you?

Uh, yeah, big time.

‐ ‐Oh, no! Are you okay, Judy?

- Uh... - Do you need some help?

No, no, I'm all set.

I just wanted to lie on the ground

and gather my thoughts about the evening.

I‐‐ Yeah, okay, I guess I'll, I'll just, I'll just go.

Oh, sounds good.

So just have a great year.

Or keep in touch, actually, is what I meant to say.

- Or stay in school. - Okay.

Uh, bye?

Judy tootie, fresh and fruity, how's it dangling?

That is a very fun new greeting,

imaginary best friend Alanis Morissette.

I'm just gonna dive right in here

with how it is actually dangling.

Is this about the big group movie date you went on tonight?

Yes. Did you happen to see me maybe...

Fall off the porch when Steven Huang tried to kiss you?

And then pretend that you like laying on the ground?

And then say "stay in school"?

- So you saw? - I saw.

It started out so great.

You see, on the group date, Steven and I went in together‐‐

financially‐‐ on a plus‐size movie treat.

Does anyone want to share a jumbo Minty Mints?

I do.

Due to our mint‐sharing agreement, Steven and I

had to sit next to each other and the next thing you know,

there were a... more than usual number

- of fingers in that box. - I'm not sure you know

what you're saying, Judy, but continue.

Plus he wears cologne

like a young millionaire,

and it makes him smell like...

like if a hamburger went ahead

and just took a bath.

So my senses were...

- overwhelmed, you get it. - Overwhelmed, I get it.

But then when he went in for the big K‐I‐S‐S,

I just couldn't do it because of, because of‐‐

- The incident? - Yes, the incident.

Let me paint a picture for you.

- Oh, good, the story again. - There I was,

standing near my locker with my seventh grade

boyfriend, Anderson Guffstafsen.

Two sweet, crazy tweens

unaware of the tragedy that was about to befall them.

The hallway cleared, Anderson leaned in for a kiss,

But just then, a breeze blew through,

and a bunch of his gorgeous blond hair

blew right into my mouth.

It was my first kiss‐‐ I didn't know

what I was feeling and I thought

that's what Frenching felt like.

I mean, it's France, so I just kept kissing.

And then I realized his hair was lodged in my braces.

And when I say "lodged," I mean

"lodged" ‐‐ we had to walk to the nurse's office like that!

It was the longest walk of my life.

Teachers let kids come out of the classrooms to gawk.

The school nurse had to cut Anderson's beautiful

locks out of my mouth.

And then the dentist had to temporarily

remove my braces to get the rest of the hair out!

Sure, I got two prizes when it was all over.

A bouncy ball and a plastic spider ring

that would also get caught in my braces months later.

But Anderson and I both decided

that it was best to go our separate ways

and I haven't been able to kiss anyone since.

- Huh. - What do you mean, "huh"?

Well, I know that story's why you say

you haven't kissed anyone since,

but don't you think that maybe your tendency

to avoid relationships is, I don't know, genetic?

- What?! - I'm just saying your dad

has dated anyone since your mom left.

Well, yeah, but that was pretty recently very many years ago.

And for a long time, he pretended she was dead

so he wouldn't have to get back out there.

Well, he stopped doing that now.

And how many dates has he been on since he stopped pretending?

Mm, well, that would be zero, Alanis,

and I feel like you knew that and that was a gotcha question.

See, he let one bad experience

prevent him from ever trying to find love again.

And now here you are doing pretty much

- the same thing, right? - Uh, well...

I mean, not kissing anyone sounds like a great way

to never get hurt and then die alone

clutching a photograph of someone you never kissed.

Oh, God, I don't want Dad to die alone like that!

I was talking more about you, but...

No, you're right. I got to get going

- on fixing my dad right away. - Okay.

Dumb Alanis, my dad isn't gonna die alone.

My dad's gonna die accompanied. Oh, hey, Moon.

- Hey, Judy. - Uh, what are you doing?

I'm capturing a flightless ruffed grouse

to teach it how to fly and then re‐release it into the wild.

- What are you doing? - Storming over to Wolf's

to talk to him about Dad's love life.

- Good luck. - And to you, my friend.

Uh‐oh, looks like somebody

- wants in on Fonzarella Night. - What?

Oh, Fonzarella Night, yeah.

We watch a Henry Winkler movie and make mozzarella sticks.

Tonight it's You Don't Mess with the Zohan.

He plays "Uncredited Limousine Passenger,"

but he still steals the movie out from under Sandler, IMHO.

Wolf, I need to talk to you urgently about Dad.

You had me at Dad.

Everyone, this is Timothy.

Please note that he is not a pet or food.

I'm teaching him to fly.

Oh, maybe I can help you.

I also cannot fly,

so I totally get what he's going through.

No offense, Moon, personally, I don't care for birds.

I always catch them peaking in my windows.

Stop peaking, birds. This isn't for you.

Yeah, it's for her, birds.

A woman's body is her own dominion.

Eyes to yourself, Timothy. Don't look at my dominion.

Okay, so family meeting.

Little dawn download requested by our only sister Judy.

Juderonomous, you've the floor.

It has come to my attention

via a friend of mine who definitely exists here on Earth

and is a real person that Dad has not been on any dates

since admitting that Mom left him.

And he is at serious risk of dying alone,

clutching a women he carved out of a tree stump.

- Aren't we all? - So I was thinking we should

give him a little push just to, you know,

- get him back out there. - And I realize that there's

a "Meet and Meat" singles mixer tomorrow night

at the Russian Bar that'd be perfect

for meeting some Lone Moose ladies.

Now, why is it called a "Meet and Meat"?

Oh, because they also raffle off

a bunch of meat from local hunters.

I used to go to it sometimes

when I was an eligible bachelor.

Never met anyone, but one time I won

14 caribou steaks.

Lost 'em on the way home, but what a thrill.

I printed out a flier for it from their website

using our old printer.

It only took 45 minutes,

and you can read two‐thirds of it.

- Dope. - Oh, boy, Dad's gonna hate this.

Don't you think we should just let him

meet someone on his own?

Like when Harry met, you know, what's it called?

- Sally. - No, the Hendersons, and they all fell in love.

Guys, I think we ought to support Judy here,

and by doing that, support Dad.

We should go, too. I'm taken,

but I'd love to win some bacon.

You got it, my sausage sweetie.

Great idea. We can all go. And as a bargaining chip,

Wolf and I thought we could promise Dad, in exchange,

- the one thing he's always wanted. - You don't mean...

Yeah, I do mean. I'm talking about

the whole family taking the Chain Saw Basics

workshop series being offered at the public library.

‐ ‐Hear us out.

Guys, it's only four Saturdays. Eight hours each day.

Well, we've avoided it for years,

but if that's what it takes to stop Dad from dying alone,

- then stick a fork in me, 'cause I'm a chain saw. - Great.

Oh, God, here he comes. Everyone act casual.

What's going on? Is it the apocalypse?

No one panic, we have 500 years' worth of rice,

and two Calvin and Hobbes books in the basement.

No, it's even better than that, if you can believe it.

Dad, it's time for you to get back on the horse

and ride that horse to the barn and meet women

at the Meet and Meat singles mixer this weekend.

Oh, I didn't tell you guys?

I'm actually off to Hawaii for a work trip.

- You get it, you get it. - Uh‐oh, code Dad.

- Grab him, quick! - He's on the move!

Children, sorry that I tried to run away, and you were forced

to wrestle me to the ground and then sit on me

for 15 minutes while I fought you like a wild bear.

It's no problem, Dad.

We'll wrestle you to the ground any day, and I mean that.

So, if I go tomorrow and attempt to,