The Big Noise

- What's the matter? - Hartley again.

That fellow from Los Angeles wants to register another invention.

- What is it this time? - It's an explosive.

Says it'll make a 2000-pound blockbuster...

- ... sound like a popgun. - Well, that's more sensible...

- ... than most of his ideas. - Yes.

Take a look at these. All Hartley inventions.

And we practically have a whole room in the storehouse devoted to his models.

This is the first one. A mask to be used while eating grapefruit.

And get this one. This is a dilly.

A motorized toothbrush, guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Oh, you're taking him too seriously.

Well, I'm going to take his bomb idea...

...up with the chief of the Ordnance Department.

What have you got that fan on for?

- Turn it off. - Oh, I'm feeling fine.

The fan. Turn it off. The-

Now you've ruined a whole morning's work.

- I'm sorry, son. What's eating you? - If you want to know the truth, Father...

...I'm annoyed. I haven't heard from the government.

Maybe Washington's tired of hearing from Hartley.

- There's a war on. - But that's just the point.

My invention would shorten the war by months, maybe years.

The government should welcome it with open arms.

I'm 4-F, this is the only way that I can contribute to the war effort...

- ... and do something for my Country. - My boy, I honor you for it.

Well do I remember the charge up San Juan Hill.

Into the Valley of Death go the 600.

- My sacroiliac. - Oh, you should be more careful.

And your history is bad.

That's my private phone. I wonder who that can be.

- Hello. - Western Union calling.

Western Union?

We have a message for Mr. Alva P. Hartley.

- Is he there? - Yes?

The message is from Washington...

...and is signed, " Paterson, director of Patent Office. "

Yes, yes, go on.

Very much interested in your invention.

War Department says it has great possibilities.

Guard it with your life.

Forward all details and formula...

...and samples, as soon as tests are completed.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

My explosive. They've even taken the matter up...

...with the War Department. Probably chief of Ordnance.

- Spies, enemy spies. - Yes.

And they said I was to protect this invention with my very life.

Detectives, that's the ticket. I must have someone to guard this every minute...

...until I can get it off to Washington. Let me see, detective agency...

Detective Services

JONES DETECTIVE AGENCY

- Come in. - It's the telephone.

Never mind, I'll answer it.

Hello. Jones Detective Agency. What?

I'm sorry, sir, but I can't understand a word you-

Will you stop that noise?

- I never said a word. - Well, cut that machine off.

- Not you, sir. No, sir. - I have something of great importance...

...in my possession which must be guarded night and day.

- I want two of your best men at once. - I'm sorry sir, that will be impossible.

You see, our manager's in Sacramento with a habeas corpus.

And all of our best detectives, who are not in the armed forces...

...are busy guarding government property.

But this is a government matter. In fact, it has been suggested by Washington...

...that I take these precautions.

It will only be for a few days. Money is no object.

And the men will be treated like members of the family.

Pleasant surroundings, best of food.

Well, sir, you' re in luck.

I'm happy to inform you that two of our best detectives...

...have just entered the office.

And I'll send them right over.

- Where to? -32 Elm Road.

32 Elm Road.

I'll send them over immediately. Goodbye.

- What two detectives entered the office? - You and me.

Stanley, this is our opportunity. We took this job as janitors...

...to become detectives, didn't we? We've been going to night school...

...studying for eight months to be detectives, haven't we?

- You wanna be a detective, don't you? - Sure, but I don't think I'll make it.

- Why not? - Well, you see, I-

I don't know what that word, "habeas corpus" means.

Habeas cor-

Why, Habeas Corpus is a name of a town in Texas.

In Texas? Well, what's the boss doing up in Sacramento...

...when Habeas Corpus is in Texas?

Oh, now, don't bother about that. You run over to the room...

...and pack some of our things.

- We're gonna be on this job a long time. - That ought to settle things.

That's the biggest agency in town. Oh, Aunt Sophie...

...the smartest detectives are coming to guard my invention.

They'll stay here, so make all the arrangements.

- Are they young and good-looking? - How the dickens should I know?

Men. That's all you ever think about. A person would think...

...a woman who had had five husbands would take a little rest.

- And they were good husbands too. - Yes, and they're all dead.

ELM ROAD

- What did he say the address was? -32 Elm Road.

Are you sure we're on the right street?

All you've gotta do is read the street sign.

- What does it say? - I can't read it. I haven't got my glasses.

- Here, hold this. I'll climb up and I'll see. - Never mind, I'll climb up.

You couldn't read it if you got up there, glasses or no glasses.

Give me a lift.

WET PAINT

Hey, Ollie, you don't have to bother now.

This is the right street, all right. It says so on the curb.

- What happened? - We won't go into that.

Oh, well, if you don't want to tell me, we'll just skip it.

I don't c- Oh, look, there's 32.

We were right here. Isn't that silly?

You don't just walk into places like this.

They can't hear you knocking. Here, you talk into this.

- Hello. - Oh, you've got to blow into it first.

Beware.

Disaster befalls all who enter these dread portals.

- What did you say? - I didn't say anything.

Why, I'm positive I heard you say something.

- Maybe I was talking to myself. - Well, shut up and come on.

Come on.

I'll ring.

- Why can't I ring? - All right, go ahead and ring.

You never think I can do anything.

- Doesn't ring. - Well, knock.

Come in.

When you knock, you don't say, "come in. "

- The man inside says, "come in. " - But I didn't knock.

What do you mean you didn't knock? I distinctly heard you knock.

- I- - Oh, get out of the way, I'll do it.

- See? - Don't point, it's rude.

How do you do, sir?

I'm Mr. Hardy, from the Jones Detective Agency...

...and this is my colleague, Mr. Laurel.

Hey.

Oh, yes, yes, certainly. Come on in.

Thank you. Come, Stanley.

- Sorry. - Thank you.

- What happened? - Why, I tripped over the valise...

- ... Coming through the door. - What for?

Well, I couldn't get my foot- Oh, never mind what for.

- Well, here we are. - At your service.

I was just hanging a picture. I'll explain your duties...

- ... to you later, gentlemen. Excuse me. - Yes, sir.

Come in.

- My, what a beautiful picture. - Yes, that cost a lot of money.

- It's a Van Dyck. - A what?

Van Dyck. You know what a Van Dyck is?

Oh, yeah, my uncle had one, but he had to have it shaved off.

You see it got-

- What? - Van Dyck was a painter, not a beard.

By the way, what happened to you?

Oh, I had a slight accident with some paint on our way over.

- I can't get it off. - Oh, that's nothing.

I'll have that off for you in a jiffy.

- Stand over there, please. - Yes, sir.

The Hartley Little-Gem Paint-Remover. One of my many inventions.

I was getting it ready to send to Washington.

Now, let's see, this knob. That's it.

- Now, don't be frightened. - No.

Now, there, you'd hardly know there had been a spot on it.

Gee, that's swell. That's a wonderful machine.

- Yes, it works both ways. - Is that so?

You know, necessity is the mo-

My Van Dyck. Turn it off.

My Van Dyck.

Do you realize you've ruined my beautiful picture?

The Height of Spring. Oh, what am I going to do?

You could change the name on it. You could call it The Depth of Winter.

- That would be a good- - Mr. Hartley, just what are our duties?

- Come with me. - Yes, sir.

Bring the bag.

This is my prize possession.

Gentlemen, you are looking at what I consider...

...the most powerful explosive in the world today.

- I call it the Big Noise. - Why?

Because, properly detonated, it would blow up this entire city.

What do you want us to do with it?

I don't want you to do anything with it, except to guard it with your lives.

The utmost secrecy must be observed.

If the wrong people learned what I have in mind...

...and it was discovered, it might alter the whole course of the war.

Don't worry, Mr. Hartley...

- ... we'll guard it, even with his life. - We certainly will.

Good. Now that you gentlemen know your duties...

- ... I'll show you to your quarters. - Thank you.

What's the matter, don't you feel well?

Oh, just another one of my dizzy spells. Excuse me.

That did it. I feel much better now.

This is another one of my inventions.

- You know what? - What?

I've got a clue.

I think Mr. Hartley is just a little bit cracked.

Well, I ought to know.

All inventors are like that, they are eccentric.

They're not like you and me. They're different.

- How do you mean? - They are just a little bit twisted.

Twisted?

This way, gentlemen.

Now, this is where you sleep.