The Magnificent Cuckold (Il magnifico cornuto)

It doesn't look right.

I think it's fine.

It's a ship's deck lamp. If I knew,

I would have installed illuminator windows.

It's such a lively lantern, don't you like it?

Not at all. When I see a lantern like this I get seasick.

Here is Andrea.

They're not bad.

I mean looking up, my wife's legs don't look bad at all.

Would you like her to do the Statue of Liberty up there to show off her looks?

Anything is better than this lamp she wants.

Architect, please don't say things like this.

Maria has a superb taste, she is married to me after all.

- Come and see. - No, I trust your judgement.

I don't want to get stuck in quicklime.

Darling, please hurry, we still need to change.

What about my car?

I'll drive it later to your home.

Very well, see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, Signora.

I'm sorry to steal her from you.

What can I do. But still, I wouldn't buy this lamp...

I already have six of them.

Bricklayers can't do anything till the carpenter is done.

The carpenter is waiting for the electrician...

The electrician is waiting for the bricklayers to leave...

And we can move in only when they all leave...

and we are as old as those two on the package of Cacao Talmone.

No, it's not that bad. They delivered the gates today but they can't put them in

because the fence is not there yet.

The architect says the rocking chair is bourgeois, but I like it.

He says I have to choose between him and the chair. I choose the chair.

I told him "You're making me a nervous wreck whilst the chair calms me down." Was I right?

Andrea, are you listening?

Yes, I am listening.

What was I just saying?

You were talking about the architect.

You're absolutely right, it's your house, not his.

Do you think the bust-line is too low?

Too low? No, I think it's beautiful. Let everyone enjoy it. I'm not selfish.

You're young, unlike that old Baroness

with the bust-line down at her waist.

You're exaggerating. Her décolleté is just where the bosom is.

Exactly.

She's not anything like you, that poor Baroness.

What wife I have. A true goddess.

How fortunate, I haven't put on lipstick yet.

Unfortunately, you already have the dress on.

What if we don't go to the club. Let's go to bed.

Enough, Andrea... I am almost ready. We'll be late.

First, you provoke me and then you reject me.

Fine.

Dear all, nobody wears hats in Italy anymore.

Nobody wears hats anymore...

But they are still of use.

They protect from the sunshine and the rain, falling roof-tile, runny-nose, baldness.

Or at least conceal baldness. We take them off to greet someone,

and on a train. Hats are protectors - our roof.

When my grandfather founded his Artusi hat factory in 1872,

the hat became a symbol of honour and style.

And good upbringing for men of all ages.

Collectively, Italian milliners produce

50 million hats annually.

This number, as you can understand...

You didn't keep your promise. You were going to send a Bitters bottle to my husband.

Will you visit me in jail?

In order to sell all 50 million hats every Italian male should wear at least two.

Signora Anuzzi, did you see Mariotti's wife changed her hair colour again?

That's right. Last time I saw her she was with young blond chap in a car.

Do you know what happens with the rest of those hats?

My friend bought a cowboy hat in Texas.

Only back in Milan he realised it said "Made In Italy" inside.

It's true. It's time to confirm Richard Widmark's, John Wayne's,

Burt Lancaster's hats are made in Florence, Brescia and Bologna.

I'm done.

Superb speech. Congratulations.

It's the first time I haven't fallen asleep at the Club's meeting.

Yes, you just yawned.

Who? Me? Everyone did.

The Texas story was a gem.

You're very kind, Signore Calice, thank you. It was just a little advertising.

You didn't quite convince me. I'm still not going to wear hats.

That's unfortunate. I'm telling you - A doctor with no hat is not trustworthy.

Congratulations. What happened to your brother?

Nothing major. He banged his fingers with a car door.

Is it nothing major for a doctor when someone loses two fingers?

He didn't lose them, they just look like this now.

Careful, Cuckold's there.

Dear Mariotti, how are you?

I am one of those 20%

Glad to hear it, very good.

Mariotti is such an optimist. He doesn't know cuckolds' percentage is much higher.

Just don't tell me there was no meeting, or I'll be very angry.

What about?

Regarding the fence.

How many times do I have to tell you that the Municipal Government

has its construction standards and I have to respect those.

It's just a simple fence.

Why do you insist on constructing the 50 X 4 metres one?

Really. Am I trying to build The Great Wall of China?

Seriously, the matter is hopeless.

However, if you bribe me. Who knows. It's better to do something.

It's like school days all over again. You did my homework and I gave you my lunch?

You're going to get some lunch now. So cocky.

Signore Artusi, it's you.

One moment, darling.

I have to reprimand you a little.

Me? What have I done?

Nothing. It was an excuse, I need help to escape this boredom.

If I suggest it to my husband he won't agree. He's the president and feels obliged to stay.

What should I suggest, I'm not sure... Are we going anywhere?

Our home if you wish. Anything to get out of this crypt.

At least once a month a woman should host the meeting.

Discussing what she does at home and how she spends her time.

The Cuckold's wife hosting that meeting would be a great one.

You're awful.

May I interrupt you?

What's going on?

Cristiana is inviting to their place.

Her legs are rather fat.

True. But her body. I envy her lover. Who will get her?

Get her? With that husband? Not a chance.

Did you try?

Me? No, but I know. Everyone here knows where the other goes to bed at night.

Imagine what happens if she goes to bed with another man.

My husband believes knowledge is the product of insomnia. Do you agree?

Does he sleep much?

Quite enough.

I'll go with your wife.

Give her back to me, Mr President. She is the only one I have.

See you at our place.

Blast, I forgot to pay for the registration. I'll do it tomorrow.

What are you thinking about?

Me? I'm thinking about you.

Do you want one?

I'll give you a light.

Cristiana's not bad. At least I have not noticed anything wrong.

She's quite pretty.

I was thinking about you too. I was watching you.

You can tell a man's personality by his car.

And what do you see?

The car is fast. The driver isn't.

She's provoking me.

You're wrong. I can be foolish, too.

Are we being chased?

Yes, let them go ahead.

Alright.

This is better. Now we can watch them without being watched.

You prefer to watch and be invisible?

Well, actually there are no reasons for us to hide, except...

Except?

Except I might be wrong... Perhaps you can be adventurous.

I'm sorry, Perhaps you're not as dull as you seem.

God. There's no doubt if I say nothing, she'll think I'm an idiot.

If you judge men by their cars you must have reasons for that.

Can you stop here?

Here? Is she mad? I'll stop.

We have arrived

What a pity. You just started to court me.

I can resume again.

This is Flemish Gobelin tapestry of Seventeenth Century.

I bought it by chance in Paris four years ago. Lucky purchase.

This Harpsichord is from Venice. I paid less than two million, almost nothing.

All these things cost so much money.

No, I can give you advice what to get for your new house.

Antique furniture is my hobby.

I thought your hobby is to be the President of every Club. You have a great collection of those.

"Credit of Brescia", "Essence of Tourism", Agreement club, Rotary club, Golf club,

Alps Club... have I missed anything?

Stop. You're jesting, but you have no idea what a burden it is.

So many times I just couldn't decline.

Like everything in this town - it becomes personal.

Look at her. Her husband's right here and she couldn't care less.

Drawer's bottom and I know everything...

What do you know, darling?

About antique furniture.

Enrico, I have to do it all alone.

What is that?

Would you lend me a hand, Andrea?

My pleasure.

Let's break some ice.

Put an apron on me and I will be your waiter.

No, seriously. I have many talents.

You have many talents?

In the kitchen.

I'm afraid you will be disappointed.

Why?

You'll literally have to break the ice.

I didn't count on anything more than that.

Who's there?

Valeria. Maid. 19 years old, healthy, poor personal hygiene. Interested?

Our maid is 40.

So ancient. Want to see ours? Come.

Be brave, come in.

Not bad?

Rustic, but very original.

Plain cotton slip.

Plain garter stockings. Like she is in mourning.

And no brassiere.

You'll wake her...