Merrily We Go to Hell

Ah, silly people.

I don't like that fellow with the little mustache.

Up and at that mustache, men!

Got him.

Now that I know you love me, how about letting me drive you home, huh?

On.

I'm sorry if I frightened you.

I didn't know anyone was out here.

Thank you.

- May 1? - Surely.

I'm a little drunk. Will you excuse me?

I think everyone here is a little drunk, but I'll excuse you.

Do you know who the gentleman was that tried to kiss you just now?

That was damery.

You know, the gossip clolumnis -

the glassup colum... inest -

uh, the newspaper fella.

If you'd let him kiss you, you'd probably have read about it in tomorrow's paper.

I wouldn't have liked that. Yeah.

Wouldn't you like a little drink?

No, thank you. Drinking isn't one of my many vices.

Well, personally, I'm going to stop drinking

next Tuesday afternoon at 3:00 sharp.

That make you feel better?

Much.

Enough better so that we may introduce ourselves?

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm Jerry corbett.

What's the matter? Does the name terrify you?

I didn't mean to look so stupid, but I never miss reading your column.

You write very cleverly.

Oh, yes, I'm so clever that I'm one of the few drinking newspapermen

who can still hold his job.

As a matter of fact, I've almost finished a play.

Well, you shouldn't have gotten me started on the subject of myself

because I can go on and on for hours.

Supposing you tell me who you happen to be.

Nobody. Just a girl named Joan prentice.

That means you are somebody.

It means you're the daughter of the gentleman who made millions

putting things into tin cans

that people like me take out of tin cans.

I see you believe in signs.

Mm-hmm.

And all the signs point to three stars.

Will you excuse me?

Would you like to come over here and sit down?

It's cozier, and then, too, the drinks are handier.

You been having a good time tonight?

I'm a little disappointed.

I expected to meet a lot of interesting people and talk to them.

Most of them are too drunk to talk intelligently, or else they insult you.

Bob noble's parties are always like this...

Except that you don't often see such awfully fine hands.

Long, slender and artistic,

and a diamond ring the size of a small potato on the right little finger.

Awfully fine head,

hair like an Indian,

fine, chiseled features, clean-cut as a tomahawk.

Say, now I feel like singing. Do you mind?

- I don't know. Wait until I hear you. - Ah, it'll be too late then.

J first, she gave me gingerbread and then she gave me cake j

j and then she gave me creme de menthe for meeting her at the gate &

sing some more. I like that one.

Do you? I like you too, joanie.

I think you're nice.

Thanks. You mean, of course, alcoholically speaking.

No. No, really. I think you're swell.

I like your hands.

Gosh, they're swell.

Funny. Why'd I let you do that?

Because I think you're swell.

What's your name, Joan?

My name's Joan.

Oh, I mean your telephone number.

Bittersweet 8100.

Come and have tea tomorrow at 5:00.

Hey, I'll be there early, and I'll stay late.

- You'll never remember to come. - Sure, I will.

It's late, Joan.

Oh, don't go, joanie.

Stay and we'll sing a thousand songs.

- Do we have to go, Greg? - I'd rather.

I want to get out to the club early tomorrow.

I'll get my wrap.

I don't believe we've met.

My name's corbett. What's yours?

Gregory boleslavsky.

Hey, now wait a minute.

I asked you a civil question, and I expect a civil answer.

You want a drink?

No, thanks.

No? Well, that's right, don't.

It's a rotten bottle and it's a rotten label.

And it's rotten whiskey.

No one should drink it.

Go on. Get out of here.

He is a good reporter, but a very terrible tap dancer.

That's funny.

Our city editor says I'm a good tap dancer,

but a very terrible reporter.

- All ready? - Yes.

Just a minute, Greg.

Good night, Mr. corbett.

Who are you?

Oh, nobody.

Who was that?

I don't know.

Well...

Merrily we go to hell.

Dad!

You know Jerry corbett, the boy I met last night?

Only what you told me at breakfast.

Yes, and I thought he wouldn't call,

but he did, and he's coming to my party this afternoon.

- You sure he won't disappoint you again? - I tell you, he's coming.

Oh, Benson.

Yes, miss Joan.

Benson, have we gingerbread, cake and creme de menthe in the house?

We have cake and creme de menthe. I don't know about the gingerbread.

- Well, I want all three served at tea. - Yes, miss Joan.

What is it? What's happened?

Nothing happened! Everything's heavenly!

Oh...

J first, she gave me gingerbread and then she gave me cake j

j and then she gave me creme de menthe for meeting her at the gate &

I can't understand it.

I said about 5:00, and he said he'd be here then.

I wouldn't worry about a young man who hasn't any manners

and quite obviously no taste.

I've no use for him from now on.

I'm afraid I won't have any use for your Jerry corbett,

if ever I have the pleasure of meeting him.

I guess you'll never have that pleasure.

- Goodbye, charlcie. - Goodbye, Joan.

I'll see you to your car?

You're nothing but an old roue.

We didn't have any customers

for our gingerbread and creme de menthe, miss Joan.

No.

Oh. Does one ring a bell or just walk in here?

It all depends on whether or not one is on time.

I have an idea you're Mr. Jerry corbett.

- Yeah. Yes, have we met before? - I doubt it.

I never wait more than five minutes for anyone.

If you step inside, I'll tell Joan you're here.

Oh, thank you.

- If you'll wait in there, please. - Thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, wait a minute.

Don't tell me you walk on this floor.

Sometimes it turns into a roller coaster right beneath your feet.

- Perhaps we'd better sit down. - Oh, thank you.

Father told me he met you at the door.

Yes.

Do you know, I think your father's in love with me.

- Why? - Because he seemed upset when he saw me.

And it's always love that upsets a man, you know.

Some of the biggest and littlest men in history have been upset by love.

I was one of the big men, of course, when it happened to me.

By the way, am I a little late?

A little.

I'd like to have had you here for the party, but it really doesn't matter.

I think you're swell.

I'm beginning to think you do.

You told me that last night.

Well, just to prove that I still think so,

uh, would you like to take a little drive with me and have dinner somewhere?

I'd love to.

Perhaps I ought to explain that my car is yellow and has a meter on it.

I have a car.

- Oh, well, I didn't mean that we - - I did. Let's go now.

I guess I didn't know you walked on these floors

because most of the floors I know have sawdust on them.

A gentleman wouldn't advertise he was kissing a lady.

I was advertising the finest of prentice products.

That reminds me, it's high time I bought you something to eat.

- I'm not hungry. - Neither am I.

Do you always make love to girls when you take them for a drive?

I don't often take them for a drive.

I'm afraid, as a rule, I prefer the company of men,

particularly if they're bartenders.

You see, I figured out a long time ago

that a punch in the nose heals much quicker than a broken heart.

Don't tell me you're a woman-hater.

Not at all. I just don't think about them very much.

You thought about one once.

I mean... you said something before we left the house

about having once been upset by a woman.

Now, how can one so young

have the memory of a 200-year-old elephant?

I just happened to remember.

Matter of fact, I was upset by a woman once.

When?

Oh, a couple of years ago.

What was her name?

Claire. Claire hempstead.

Whatever became of her?

She's on the stage.

She's been just as successful there as she was with me.